LIVE LOUD!

Your Demise

2009-10-24T17:31:00.004+08:00

How is it that your demise brings us so much grief...
That is just aches so much...
No amount of tears, sharing or busy schedules and distractions can take it away...

To know that we've done little....
To know that there could have been so many years ahead...
To know that it could have been much better...

And yet, we know....
You didn't lead the insignificant life...

I have....
I have led a life of indifference...

But you have opened our eyes...
To a different, much smaller and fragile world...
One that we'll eternally remember...
And that will remind us...

Of the saving grace.

Fondly remembered,

AML

19*2 - October 22 2009

R.I.P.

Hello and Hi!

2009-09-21T13:25:00.003+08:00

I thought I should at least leave a few lines:

I moved into my home in Seremban. Pretty nice.
It's been great driving around.
My Internal Med posting has already gotten to me.
I've had my car knocked into even before it turned one month. And then I got it paid for by the offender. Quite some stress there....
We're done with three weeks.
My phone line and Internet connection came swiftly.

Joe has left for England. And we miss him terribly.

And this may be irrelevant - but I actually drove home all the way, 2.5 hours on the highway and mind you, it was Raya eve. Talk about breakthroughs!!!!

That's all for now. It sure doesn't feel like a holiday right now.

But I'm Not Her, Lord!

2009-08-24T23:40:00.003+08:00

I never knew how much I dreaded this week until this morning. I hoped beyond hope that my brief vacation with Mian Li, Diana and Qian Hui never met its end. It was heaven on earth. And soon, we were saying our goodbyes.

I was back home for a while only to travel again to settle everything else pending at the home I will soon occupy or a good (and maximum of) 2 years.

And still my heart aches.

What is it about the past three months that I've not done well enough?

I've not been the best child. I admit to have put a hole in my parents' pockets.

And then, amidst the imperfections, I have also conquered some milestones.

I bothered to perform by my cicil duty - I'm a registered voter. I spent the longest period of time with medical attachments. I've met friends. I've done a little bit for the CYW Tour. I've hosted people at home. I've taken a bold step of taking a new car down with me for the Clinicals. I can play about 5 decent pieces under the guidance of Ms. Maria. We've lavished on a memorable and meaningful 25th wedding anniversary celebration. I've settled my accommodation with two wonderful tenants (Marina and MeZhen) with negligible teething problems (which remain the fault of our agent and landlady).

But it still aches.

Because, sometimes, I cannot ignore the fact that a large part of me is being compared to her and her and h-e-r!

I'm too weak to go down any path that will wreck my life. I'm already troubled by many things that await me in the near future. Though a part of me does courageously brush it aside.

And then all those verses flood my mine. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. He remembers our form. The heart is deceiving about all else.

I've too many people around me. But the hopeless truth is that, I can still feel alone on this matter.

This is not how I've intended the semester break to end...

Faith Factor

2009-08-19T19:32:00.003+08:00

After the end of my attachment, I've been still trying to make myself useful.

These two, in particular, have brought about a great boost of confidence:

1. The arrival of my new Auto car - So yeah, driving hasn't been any easier!

2. Resuming my piano lessons after a 6-year gap. My teacher is beautiful. And I can play some really beautiful pieces.

So yeah. I'm off to have a reunion cum farewell vacation with some IMU peeps. And before we'll know it, I'd be whisked away for the Clinical Phase.

Come what may!

Not Well Enough....

2009-08-09T19:56:00.003+08:00

You must know by now that my semester break is coming to an end. I'll be moving on to the next chapter of my life.

On retrospect, I cannot help but thank God for the past years.

If there has been a recurrent thought for the past few months, it has to be that which partially engulfs me with fear....

Have I let time pass too quickly?

I know far too many people who are keen on capturing the memorable days in every way possible and have it shared with others. This I believe is commendable and is an area I'm working hard to keep up with myself even with a video camera, digital camera, public and private blog and two notable social networks.

But then, the bigger question would be one that may sound somewhat a cliche:

Have I let time pass with meaningless pursuits? And have I left no stone unturned even as I move on?

So I've completed a reasonable period of time doing medical attachments.

I've resumed piano lessons with a very kind and beautiful lady. It is liberating to know that all hope is not gone. And the confidence I have gained has had a therapeutic effect on me.

I've met with people I've never dreamt of meeting in a lifetime.

I've met friends I will always miss and went places I may never return to.

I've also remembered and honoured my parents even as they commemorated their 25th wedding anniversary. More than the posh restaurant or fancy details, I prefer to remember it as a celebration in which I know I have not forgotten to say anything that I should have said thus far. The words of my Pastor has resonated well and clear.

And in all my inadequacies, I know I've not done some more important things, choosing to wallow in some miseries, doubts, resentments and selfishness.

And no amount of remorse can undo that...

So what's New?

2009-06-08T12:52:00.015+08:00

So yesterday evening, my parents and I were glad to host my favourite pastor, PC and spouse Kel as well as the 1 AM Worship Team at our home in Ipoh for lunch. And we only had a little less than two hours with them but we were happy to learn about the new things that are coming up - in particular, the Change Your World Nationwide Tour that begins in August. I know this much - I have never regretted one bit being part of the ECF family. Because we are always on the move. Always in search for avenues to bring Christ to people in ways that are so profound, it just takes my breath away. Way to go people! Let's do this!

Do view the following videos, I have a little trouble embedding them here:

1. Change Your World Tour Teaser

2. 1AMFLuence

And the website:

Change Your Would Tour

http://www.1am.com.my/

Because Sometimes, a little Patience should be Added to Hope

2009-07-31T23:06:00.004+08:00

What world was I in when I actually bid him farewell?

It ain't over, till it's over, ain't it not?

Found it!

2009-07-21T20:07:00.008+08:00

Well, this is not to reiterate my point that I am...in fact....resting.

I remember a post I had once wrote on this book that I have been looking for. I assumed I had searched hard enough.

And apparently, I haven't. To add to that, I have found it in the least expected bookstore. In my hometown.

Now that's what I term a divine finding.

The book is a real page-turner. It is no bother that is as thick as my dictionary. If I may add, it surprises me that the author has not written the book to sensationalize the life of the infamous murderer. It had a greater purpose - to create awareness, particularly among women.

My older brother and I were big fans of the programme, Medical Detectives. We watched it religiously on Friday nights. We absolutely anticipated re-runs. And then there was a point of time in which we were obsessed with all these tales and mysteries of serial killings. It kept us intrigued. Or maybe we just had very boring lives in which we ate, slept and buried our heads in books.

Who knows...

I must say that I would have long subscribed to the Crime and Investigation Channel if I had a less hectic schedule. (As it is, most of our channels are under utilized.)

It just bothers me a fair bit that I only know a handful of people who are familiar with the name Ted Bundy. I mean, he was only executed in 1989. Or maybe, that is a long time ago....

P.S. The book has been updated many times. My paperback cover has a different look.

Quite a Life, Honey!

2009-07-19T23:08:00.013+08:00

It has been quite an extraordinary semester break. I've yet to receive a letter stating my new semester fees, which also means, I've yet to receive my 'offer letter'. And it strikes me as odd though I do know that I will advance to the next phase after successfully completing Phase 1.

And in it all, I have found the drive to break the mundane routine I have usually had in previous years during unusually long semester breaks.

I know I have earned some 'very good names'. Too free. Hardworking. Not wanting to rest.

But here's the truth. The real truth. No embellishments.

I'm dead scared that my other option (the one in which I am allowed to be a couch potato and sleep the days off) will surely attribute to massive weight gain. And by the way, that is already happening even with my current schedule. And then by September, I will be a walking zombie, helplessly trying to overcome laziness. Only I, dear friend, comprehend my body clock.

And then there is the more important fear - I am too overwhelmed about Phase 2. I have never felt so incompetent. I don't know where this is stemming from. It's true that getting through exams alone is no guarantee that the next phase is going to be absolutely smooth. Believe me that it haunts me all too often.

And just for them with serious doubts if I am in fact having a life, I shall leave you with that which speaks a thousand words on my occasional breaks. I do have fun. You know, being able to rub shoulders with different groups of people is very much a blessing. Sometimes I wished it wouldn't end. Simply put, my clinical attachments have been equally exciting.

Harveen's 21st @ Palace of the Golden Horses (I must tell you that I was absolutely tempted to know where Schumacher had stayed)

Father's Day @ Sun Lee How Fook

Retreat with PC and the church peeps....

Damai Laut

Finally, our High School Pangkor Reunion

Goodbye, Michael....

2009-07-08T22:09:00.003+08:00

Will you be there? -pris' best song ever-

Everyone knows that my brothers are the bigger MJ fans in my family. It's funny how both of them did not find it strange to incorporate the name 'Jackson' in their email addressed with some minor variations. SO there, we individually admired him in different ways.

And it has been a shocking two weeks. The world around me hasn't stopped moving but I've joined the rest in mourning his passing.

And yesterday, I devoted the longest of my TV viewing sessions to view the entire live broadcast of the memorial service held for Michael Jackson.

Suddenly it felt like I knew him forever. Or at least felt a small fraction of his pain.

Two words. Thank you.

See, You Did It!

2009-06-05T02:47:00.002+08:00

Kami, bersama-sama dengan warga ECF and kakitangan Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur (KLIA) mengalu-alukan ketibaan (insert relevant title) Trisha Wong, yang telah lulus cemerlang dan dianugerahkan ijazah sarjana dari United Kingdom.

*Congrats. Sorry, I couldn't afford a newspaper advert. I anticipate your return. Really can't wait. it's like you've been gone forever. Much to tell. Much to listen to. And so much to do. Come back. We will be waiting.

Anne Frank

2009-06-01T20:54:00.003+08:00

I did something no student should do when they are about to sit a major exam i.e. reading a book not pertaining to academics.

Oh well, the funny thing is I never found the idea a disturbing thought at all. I remember the Sunday after a meeting we had with a guest speaker in church, Joyce wanted to go to IOI MALL, Li shun wanted ice cream at Wendy's and I wanted to tag along.

And we ended up in a book fare. And voila, I purchased two important things:

1. A globe, complete with the capitals of all countries, even the smallest of nations. I fiddle with it every night before I sleep. It feels like it is a small world after all.

2. And more importantly, I bought a book most people my age may have completed while in high school - Anne Frank's Diary.

I just spoke to a good friend's mum while taking a leisure walk around the neighbourhood on the pretext of losing weight. And I ended up having the a lenghty conversation with her in which I reassured her that some of the greatest lessons in life are obtained from outside the textbooks. It comes from just living day to day.

Anne Frank led a remarkable life.

Yes I do know where I will stop by when I go to Amsterdam. The Anne Frank's museum.

But more than that, I have learnt from a girl who grew up faster than most other girls her age that it is alright to be different, in many, many ways.

That Pink Vista Condo...

2009-05-31T12:11:00.017+08:00

I took very little photographs of my apartment while I was at Taylor's, much to my regret. But I have plenty of memories captured of my favourite room at the Vista Condo I stayed.

And I singled out a few to be posted here...for no particular reason.

I CAN'T SPOT THE LAPTOP. AND THAT BOTHERS ME A GREAT DEAL.

A Quick Update

2008-05-27T12:39:00.006+08:00

I need a reward from up above.

I have succesfully 'abstained' from the the cyber world for over a week.

And I realized I haven't missed much. Other than the general updates.

The newspapers, Cleo and such will be good companions.

The thing about staying in a home with no lectures, no housemates and no laptop doesn't quite make life as depressing as it seems.

In fact I have been able to block out time to do the needful.

And all that aside, I need to do the following:

1. Can I have 3rd of August blocked out on most of your calenders. You know why already....

2. And a little whine:

Sometimes I don't know how many hearts must we break, how many lectures we must be summoned to listen, how many sermons we need to hear, how many times we need to stumble....before we actually decide to change.

Now who blamed Eve for the age old wrong doing?

We're all disobedient. Some hopelessly stubborn. And some others incorrigible.

No wonder it begins with: love is patient

Not that it deserved more importance. Maybe it just needed more emphasis.

P.S. August 3rd guys. Should be back home by the end of June (with the new laptop).

P.P.S. Wormy says hi. Blows a kiss to a continent down under. (Exam on 23rd, call me, I misplaced the number and vaguely remember the country code).

pris

Take Me Home

2008-06-11T16:11:00.003+08:00

Want to know a secret?

I've not been home since February the 9th.

I have begged or ordered (whichever you like) some to return home. But I haven't.

I just want to go home. Can't wait.

A Syndrome

2008-06-30T18:12:00.004+08:00

I remember a friend of mine calling this the best-friend syndrome. And I think he was pretty accurate in his diagnosis.

The best part of being close:

You can be brutally honest when you need to be and everyone will know it was said because you care. It was not intended to be demeaning or in any way, discouraging.

It just goes along these lines:

Look, it was meant to be constructive. There was a pressing need. And I promise you, I wouldn't think any less of you.

The worst part of being close:

You CANNOT be brutally honest.

Because I'd hurt your feelings. Because I'd risk having you not confide in me when you really need to. Because you'd start entertaining thoughts that I had judged you. And the worst: you'd start wondering if I told another.....

I pledge to continue trying to be as honest as I can. I'm almost always tactful. I shall not be pushy. I may generalize my statements. But but but....I will be honest.

Don't Forget...

2008-07-03T12:20:00.005+08:00

I didn't just wake up today and realized I was getting old. In fact it has been pretty much the same. Late night. Mother banging (no, knocking) on the door.

I was just getting dressed to meet one of my oldest friends realizing that she'd spot more than one thing that hasn't changed.

I am clad in a familiar shirt.

I am still having my braces on when she had hers removed years ago.

Minus that, I am getting old.

But the next thought came as a question: Did that mean I was getting older?

Then as usual, I switched to the defensive mode.

In which I mentally listed a few things I have changed. A few things I have dealt with differently.

But not many though.

Not many. Not that there are certain parameters I could measure up to.

Still....

And then sometimes, more than reminding myself (as it is intended to be), I remind God (as if He had forgotten):

"As a father pities his children,
So the Lord pities those who fear Him,
For He knows our frame,
He remembers that we are dust." Psalm 103

I pathetically go, "Please don't forget. Please don't forget."

Scaling Up

2008-07-04T14:54:00.005+08:00

When it comes to better handling my emotions, have I scaled up?

When I was in high school and managed only 4 A's for my PMR trials, I totally freaked. I abandoned a casual outing (with some emphasis that we NEVER went out on a regular basis as school students) to study.

And though I didn't make it loud and clear, it was apparent that I was feeling hopelessly defeated and overly anxious.

And that was the same attitude I adopted for years.

I don't actually intend to tell people it's a sad state. I just can't help the expressions that amounted to it.

And so today, after a week of tongue biting, I fail my practicals (never mind the acronyms-in consideration for the ones not pursuing a similar course as I do).

So I'm thankful to my dear friend who collected my results and very tactfully informed me of the tragic news.

And then the host of friends who hogged my phone with well-wishes prior to the results and words of encouragement after the results.

I was told I do know how to encourage others. So I do take it upon myself when I fail as a friend.

So here's to everyone, everywhere:

I am not particularly good at words. I refuse to believe everyone has it easy. One thing I stopped doing was accumulating the series of disappointments because that only made me to appear as a very sad person.

As I learnt somewhere, the brick walls were placed to test how badly you want something.

And I mustn't lie in stating that I'm feeling really low.

But here's it:

I failed my OSCE. It doesn't matter if I passed the rest (Oh well, maybe it does cause it's one less a headache, thank you Lord). I'm not going to whine about how much I already had done (though I desperately want to).So I have one component to repeat in a single day. And I'm giving it a shot.

And I'm seriously okay. I just think it's too early to decide to fall out. And I also do think falling out is not an option in ALL matters (careers, relationships and all forms of pursuits).

Come August, it will be forgotten. Oh, it better be.

One for the Mates...

2008-07-09T01:17:00.004+08:00

I'm home.

Just a little distressed that I overlooked somethings.

Still, I have great friends who have been great help.

I do like my batchmates. Absolutely.

Roll Over and DIE!

2008-07-13T23:23:00.005+08:00

Study the picture carefully. See the three guys seated there? Ignore the dude on the extreme right (the forth guy).

So I have been having this sudden urge to be in the league. Be no. 14. Ocean's 14.

My brother thought it was a weird obsession I had to hog his laptop with re-runs of the entire sequel.

I'm not mad.

It's just confirmation that I can extend my horizon....and...spread the wings.

I already have a pair of French Connection sunglasses. It's my mum's.

We can start with the crew picture first.

I'm really sane. Just can't believe myself.

Ah...Lord. End this agony.

P.S. By the way, roll over and die was a catch phrase/line in Ocean's Thirteen.

I just feel I wake up sometimes to these lines:

So what are you going to do? Roll over and die?!

Next Week

2008-07-17T10:51:00.004+08:00

I went to the hospital yesterday.

I had to accompany a person to the specialist clinics. Not for any medical reason.

It's been a while since I've been the government hospital.

And then I was told that I need to get a feel of the 'actual' working environment though a part of me is still bewildered by the thought of not being through basic (oh, so basic) clinical examination.

That aside, I anticipate a nerve-wrecking week ahead. For many, many reasons.

After which I sit an exam and leave for Singapore. Hopefully.

In the mean time, the political scene in the country has been fairly 'captivating' with allegations, statutory declarations, arrests, going into hiding etc.

And if you need a break, these are news-worthy too. Thanks to CNN, you and I can be reporters too - www.ireport.com

Read this as well....

2008-07-19T14:50:00.006+08:00

It was brought to my kind attention that some of you peeps read my blog. I'm not flattered. Go away. GO read something else. LOL!

When I start with, "I need to go back to IMU because on the 29th...."

And the reply I get is, "Yeah. Found out while blog hopping".

Oh well good. Really. It's good.

So since I leave tomorrow with probably no ties with the virtual world, here's something I hope gets your attention just as much. Though I intended a different way of inviting months ago.

Enough said.

Want to know more? Email, call, scream. (Please don't leave a comment. I might not get back to you).

Who's going?

Taylor's friends,

Nat, Evelyn, Jonathan.... (Yun Yi??? No reply from you), (others???)

Ipoh

My brother (Yay!) and friends, Swee Leen, Jiang Mun (and co.)

IMU

Many. (Yay). (Yuan Lih and co.???, Others Teddy???)

Where will you be on a Sunday Night? You sure all else can't wait?!

P.S. We're privileged to have KL listed. Seriously. On a world tour. And who knows if they'd be back???

-take care, i will see you there-

Catastrophe???

2008-07-30T00:10:00.003+08:00

I woke up feeling a surge of energy to give my best shot. I survived a fairly rough week, one with constructive criticisms, exaggerated remarks, and toil and sweat (while trying to lend a helping hand to my peers).

It is over. And it bothers me that it is.

I didn't like the tone of the experienced clinician. It wrecked...it ruined...it...it didn't help.

Then I run into some trouble while getting some currency exchange immediately after my exam. And again it bothered me that he couldn't be kinder.

And then I made a mess with a reservation made nearly a week ago. Thankfully I have a wonderful friend who is extremely forgiving.

My ATM card gets sucked in the machine, further testing my patience and almost reducing me to tears.

And then we battle the odds, almost pleading to be seated, and make our way south.

Away from everything.

Sometimes we just believe everything can turn totally bad...

Sometimes we just forget to reminisce the past...

Sometimes we forget almost everything we do will have some effect on others...

This is a nice place. Amidst the fact that every other person comes in an almost perfect package, stays in a Hall and participates in every other event. I wish I
could sleep on everything. And wake up when I'm ready...

And right now, I don't wish to turn any older.

P.S. I can't call out. Not for a while. Unintentional.

But then again...

2008-08-04T13:14:00.003+08:00

I love returning home. I mean, it's home!

And most of the time I do have some surprises.

Today I found a book. From my parents.

Relationships. The Key to Love, Sex and Everything Else.

Seriously, where did that come from?

Oh Lord, bless my soul. Now and forevermore.

*****

Today I wish to thank a few people for journeying with me for the past week.

I must say that pretending to be tough ain't help. And What if I won't be around to say thank you tomorrow. What if?

Thanks to Mian Li and Diana (Seah) for organizing a slumber party for me the weekend prior to the exam. And for picking the best movie ever. And more than that, for joining the fun at Passion.

And to Hui Ann (and Hui Hui, Christina, Theng Wai, Grace) for hosting me after the exam at a place I felt intellectually challenged *winks*. I trully had fun. I should have dual citizenship. I already feel belonged over there.

Finally for everyone who bothered to turn up yesterday. It was great just walking across a crowd of people and saying hello to all the familiar faces.

It meant a great deal to me that you turned up. It meant a greater deal to the One above. Even if you were 2 hours late and caused me to catch a part of the sermon on the screens outside and pace about worrying if you'd leave. I should be careful what I wish/pray for.

Let's meet again. At our own space and time. And talk.

Till then, have a blessed week.

Marina told me she wants to go to Jakarta now. For the record, I'm the one who might be needing a temporary job. So I can be Chris Tomlin's personal assistant. My job specifications would include coffee making, back-up singer etc.

That, by the way, was a joke.

Thank you very much. I love all of you.

SHARE.

2008-08-04T23:15:00.006+08:00

Yesterday night, after the Passion concert, I headed home. I was playing on the swings when I was promptly joined by a friend.

I could tell that he was still dumbfounded. He didn't wanna go home. He was awe struck. He was too stunned. He looked like he just walked out of a dream. He asked me the most thought provoking questions, other than "What did you get for summative?"

And all the text messages I received after the event was great.

Share your story guys.

Send mass emails. Post a blog entry. Talk about it over dinner.

Even if it is just, "the sound system was pretty cool".

Indescribable. Uncontainable....

If it trully meant a great deal to you, it won't be kept to yourself alone.

It will need to be shared.

Good reads (refer to my blog links): Yun Yi (I can totally identify with that), Swee Leen (glad it has been an incredible two weeks), Li Shun (join the club), Ian (well shared), Jonathan (seriously dude!!!), Joon Heng (photographic memory eh?), AiLing (nice account of the event).

I will write mails. So I don't freak anyone out since I'm prone to switch to "abnormal" tones while attempting to stay "normal".

Great week ahead.