LIVE LOUD!

What Confidence?

2011-12-07T22:51:00.001+08:00

Today I very carelessly let out a comment, "I may get borderline grades in the finals" (or at least something said to that effect).

And then I regretted it because I may have been misunderstood.Severely, in fact.

I think the hardest thing about the final 2 months of this phase in life is that you know you're not quite there, though you're almost there. And it just bothers you that the outcome remains uncertain, after everything said and done...

Sometimes it's not the affirmations that we look for. I think I get that plenty.

From your folks who believe that you are so special (and refuse and alternative belief even when I give them disheartening feedback just to invoke a response). And from a few other named individuals....

And other forms of affirmation:

When you do the tasks required of you, submit it duly. When you turn up for work. When you try to do things right. When quite a number of times, there are the happy occasions when you get reasonable, promising, encouraging and even flattering feedback. When you get through each posting without a mere 'satisfactory'. When you know that there are a few who would have a little faith in you...

BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT! It was never the heart of the matter...It is merely a reflection that you are indeed doing something...and probably getting it right most of the time.

Who weighs the condition of the heart? Who could tell if you actually meant everything you said? Who could actually say if everything done, were done to its level best (again, it is not about higher personal expectations)? Who decides what is good enough? Who measures readiness? Are general observations, feedback and grades justifiable parameters?

Who would know if you could handle difficult situations? Or an alternative opinion?

Could I choose to be confident, because I am and I can and I will?

But I tell you, I cannot. I tried it my way and it never worked. I always come back wrestling with the same matters, knowing that no matter what I do, it'll never fit the bill of perfection or satisfaction. I will still come back with the same frustrations (of myself and others). I will still have plenty of inadequacy whatever my academic qualification, whatever my experiences and whatever people say...

At the 24th year of my life, this is what I can say with full confidence:

In Christ alone,
I place my trust,
And find my glory in the power of the cross,
In every victory, let it be said of me,
My source of strength,
My source of hope,
Is Christ alone.....

Even as the Lord has said to us:

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ironies in Life

2011-12-05T22:48:00.001+08:00

Caution: Plenty of cynicism ahead!

1. When we simply don't practice that which we 'babble' of all too often...

Last weekend, my colleagues and I attended a weekend seminar organized by our institution. Minus the fact that it was a good excuse to simply have dinner and sleep over with a friend and then another dinner and overnight stay with another friend....I figured the sessions were a good 'by the way' event, since I have been pretty ignorant on the subject matters discussed.

In our academic institution, there is a lot emphasis on continuous and life long learning. This seminar we attended was mostly for professionals (not over-enthusiastic students with desperate weekend plans).

Sadly, the turnout was appalling. We had so many people in coat suits, neck ties and fancy make-up for the opening ceremony, which was nice to see...

And then the numbers dwindled, as soon as the officiating ceremony was over. As soon as the speeches from the distinguished guests were done...As soon as the camera men decided they had taken enough pictures for press coverage....

I hope so much that I will never have to turn up for any event, just for the 'catchy part', whatever my station in life! N-E-V-E-R!

It was students who made the numbers for the rest of the session, with a handful of professionals (literally a handful).

But then I remembered the important reasons: people are busy, people have families, these aren't very important, we've arrived so we need not step down to another level...

The very same incident happened during a day-long workshop a fortnight ago. It was sad to see history repeating itself. But then again, who am I to say?

2. Evidence based?

My mother is a perfectionist. As I've always said, everything she does has a touch of class and perfection to it. As an organizer, she is terrific. As a host, she is almost incapable of nothing. (As a mother, she is the BEST).

But then, I always say, that is my opinion. Until I've had many friends who have visited our family home over the years and then they confirm my beliefs, of my mother.

And then, it becomes a fact. To some extent at least...But it can still remain a theory only (though my sample size is quite fair).

What then do we make of statements, just plain statements, that we are supposed to embrace as true?

Last weekend, I had a tough time comprehending facts like 'the spleen is the mother of the lung'; I kept an open mind, we tried to keep our questions simple (such that we do not patronize another, stay diplomatic and refrain from condescending remarks). We kept our ears tuned. We were hardly mentally absent while being physically present. We stayed both days!

I find it odd that our institution has accredited a new field into our curriculum, amidst our learning outcomes that stress on evidence-based information. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the seminar in some ways....but again, I wished we had some of our educators among the audience/forums to address the need for research...such that the public can scrutinize everything we offer them, on the basis of research.

I have my suspicions though....if we have prized commercial gains, such that we compromise on our value systems.

3. Graduation

But after all that, the biggest irony will still be with regards to myself...

I am 2 months away from my finals, feel hopelessly unprepared for the beginning of 'the rest of my life', and yet I also sit with a few people who will plan the graduation dinner.

Ironies help us laugh at ourselves at times. At least for that, it can still count for many things!

I Celebrate with you.....

2011-11-29T23:43:00.001+08:00

And somewhere in between the hectic days, I still get the a few calls/messages from friends from afar. I still read the blog updates. And yes, there is Facebook as well - so I cannot feign ignorance.

Graduations. Job employments. Marriage proposals. Property investments. Permanent residency.Post-graduate plans. Wedding bells! Travels. Births. Parenthood.

It's great to receive news on all the exciting turn of events. I almost feel old already!

I'm nowhere close to any of the above. I just tag along with my siblings' accomplishments...and gladly render them a great part of my own!

2011 has been an awesome year for one too many persons. I only wished I could have joined in with all the celebration. I counted the days I spent at my family home this year - I fall short of 3 days to make it a total of 10 (or something like that). (Note to self: Inform mother that I will not be back for Chritmas/New Year).

I am already anticipating 2012! Hopefully, I will have time stretched a little.

And we can all reminisce the good times, the past and what's ahead. For now, I offer my well wishes, love and prayers

Movie: The Magic of Ordinary Days

2011-11-20T18:50:00.007+08:00

The most watched movie in my life is not very popular. I first watched it on Hallmark channel some years ago. This weekend, I watched i again.

These are the times I honestly believed I belonged to a different generation. I was appalled at the description of the 'Y Generation' recently, at a workshop. I had a different understanding of it. But perhaps, it does hold true in some rights.

But I think I would have fit well in a different generation. Before the advent of the Internet. When writing letters still worked. When modest dressing was still in style (even if you repeated everything in your closet). When the use of foul language was not regarded as 'showing emphasis' but rather, indecent behaviour. When co-habitation was a no-no. When being a Christian was something people had greater tolerance for, rather than....

When it was polite to say 'hello' to anyone who walked past you. When it was only correct to admit your mistake. When we wouldn't stoop so low in our lives so as to indulge in mindless arguments. When following the rules was not out of fashion or hypocritical (I have no idea how this view came about but apparently it does)!

Or maybe when life was just a lot more ordinary. May be even simple.

In this movie (no parental guidance required), every scene depicted that which we may not hear of anymore.

When a man accepts a woman who is with child, and loves her unconditionally...

When aborting an unborn child was not even as option....

When love helped us heal...

When it was very human to harbour some bitterness or resentment towards the Japanese workers at the farm, even when they were in no way involved with Pearl Harbour

When time healed the guilt and condemnation in the heart of man...

When we eventually embrace that nothing occurs by chance....and in Him (God), all things hold together....

When we realize that above everything we pride ourselves in, we're still helpless souls, in need of divine intervention... (and it is alright to be dependent on one another)....

***

Billy Graham's prayer for America in 2008, is best applied to the rest of the world:

“Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.· We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!”

Lest I Forget....

2011-11-06T12:45:00.003+08:00

I think it's been slightly over a year since I returned from the Philippines, with Christy. As my geographical horizons are clearly not very wide, I have very few cross cultural experiences that I tell of.

In the Philippines, we spent close to a month in a provincial region, with some nights in Manila, the capital of the country. To describe the experience in a nutshell, it was a refreshing change. It was good to know that people are happier with simpler lives. It was good to feel the warmth of people who extended it all too generously, as if they had known you all their life. It was overwhelming to learn that people still had faith in God even when they had bigger problems, crisis and woes (though some may say that would have been the very reason some people turn to God).

I realize with regret that I've moved on too quickly. To my defence, as soon as we touched down, there was only a weekend in between to travel and report for the selective period. And the selective period was equally busy, leaving little room for an actual break. And before I realized it, it was back to work. And exams. And everything else...'relevant'.

I miss the Philippines. I miss the brief time in India a couple of months back. I miss experiences that help us have a glimpse of a more fragile world, at least in the eyes of others.

It is easier to move on at times. I sometimes believe myself to have drawn a perimeter around my life, such that most events constantly orbits around a narrow radius. One which has a million excuses on why it has to be mostly about me, and the few people around me.

And I'd just like to try harder....

When You Catch More than a Grenade for me....

2011-10-24T19:31:00.005+08:00

Lines like "You never let go" can never become too cliche, can they? There has been about a lapse of one month from my previous post - I Didn't Even Try!

Many days, I come back and re-read it. Again and again. And feel bad.

I don't feel any better.

If anything at all, I feel bad for faulting the very person who would make up for all my gaps. And who would turn it around. Springing unexpected surprises. And most importantly, teaching me...

Teaching me about me. About them. About You!

It feels great knowing that I will forever be a child in Your eyes. Like those times when I came home with a "big problem" and mother knew just the right thing to do. How to make it better...

It has to be You. I can't be lucky. I couldn't have earned it either.

Thanks for never making light of my problems!

“I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. The hired hand is not the shepherd and does not own the sheep. So when he sees the wolf coming, he abandons the sheep and runs away. Then the wolf attacks the flock and scatters it. The man runs away because he is a hired hand and cares nothing for the sheep". John 10: 11 - 13

I Didn't Even Try!

2011-09-26T18:30:00.002+08:00

At the place that we are currently being trained for close to 5 years now, we are often reminded that we are most wrong when we intentionally leave something out. When we intentionally forget. When we intentionally and conveniently do harm, as insignificant as it may be.

Drawing a parallel with my life in general over the past 3 weeks, I have done nothing but that.

I have deliberately done one too many mistakes out of convenience, fear, lack of confidence, LAZINESS, forgetfulness....you name it, and it'll probably make it to the list of adjectives!

I have tried to make so many excuses. Think and rethink. Rationalize such that I can redeem my guilty soul.

But at the end of the day, in the confines of my room, during those brief minutes when I wait to slip into slumber land and think about the days that I have spent;

I simply know that is my fault.

I cannot even say, "the rules were such, time was not on my side, things got busy, there wasn't sufficient time etc"...

The plain truth is: I had made these poor choices. And I know not what I can do. Today, it has reached its peak. And I'm tired of it.

Can I please try again?

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength". Deuteronomy 6: 5;

I didn't even try - thus i've failed with flying colours!

Poor Progress

2011-09-15T15:00:00.003+08:00

I have 2 options. Leave the library and snooze. Or finish the portfolio, don't snooze - and get back to work by 6 pm!

Even pregnancy progresses by the day, but I have done little!

I keep thinking. Pacing. And thinking again. And reading; everything else other than obstetrics, gynaecology or whatever it is I am supposed to read.

I thought I was ready for this last lap, but I've been caught off guard!

I've realized 2 things; one, it is NOT the last lap. Even if you have gotten your previous grades and you feel like partying all night, or at least giving a pat on your back and rest. I have achieved little. Mind you, academics form the small part of it.

I feel exhausted somewhere. The thought of this final semester as being the beginning of the end, is daunting. The thought of slacking fills me with guilt. The fear of compromising on standards and principles bugs me.

But there are no coincidences...

What are the odds that you get a specific supervisor; one out 0f 18 persons? I surely didn't do something very right previously; maybe I needed to fix something. But I'm still learning to understand how it happened and why it did.

What are the odds that you get into trouble for the very things you hold with high regards?

Have I been too consumed with the 'doing', rather than the 'being'?

Back There Again....

2011-09-04T14:38:00.003+08:00

Just about a month ago, everything seemed like it had 'ended'; but it's back to work again. And this time, it's going to be work, work, work, work - I think the routine in itself will leave an imprint and lasting impression for a long time.

I moved in early, got some things settled. And I also convince myself that I am in fact 'ready'; but again, the many things I hear about what to anticipate in the upcoming 6 months is disheartening in itself.

My mother always told her children, "If you don't plan, you're planning to fail".

I believe there is a lot of truth in that, I hold it with high regard.

But then again, I remind myself that there is only so much we can be ready for. Right now, I'm back at the spot where I felt unprepared. Come what may!

" But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, ..." 2 Timothy 4: 17

Meaning EVERYTHING that I Say...

2011-09-03T00:46:00.005+08:00

I have unending checklistS of things to do, I have started to revise it and cross out some stuff. It is tedious to keep working out the various deposits due to you, the joint purchases sold, people to call, emails to send yada yada...moving out ain't easy!

And whatever I've decided to go 'easy' on in my checklist would be things that I have not promised/pledged/committed to do; after all, those we gave our word for should count more, no? And some things can wait.

I am learning. Still learning - to mean everything that I say. When I mean what I say, I need to fulfill it, guard my promises and try to make it happen. And if I am going to fall short, I will not have to just let it be and console myself that I cannot be perfect. I will try to make amends or the very least, admit my shortcomings!

So far, only one person has passed that test, by my account at least!

The story is...

After moving out yesterday, I then moved in; to a whole new town and new home. My parents who helped me move had to leave almost immediately upon arrival as they have their work to get on with and I had plenty to sort; road tax, car insurance, installation of Internet etc.

I had no idea how I'd get to town, find the banks - and get home without much hassle; my GPS is under utilized. My friends have not arrived. I have yet to be properly acquainted with anyone. And it was literally day one of life!

And I'm not one known to pray for hours, on bended knees (I hope I do get there someday). I said 2 very sincere lines; my 'version' of an earnest prayer. And no kidding, I found everything I could with no hassle, no double or triple turns, and no one honking at me for being 'too slow' or 'driving at the wrong lane'. I didn't need to stop to ask for directions!

I know that this person gave me His word a long time ago.

Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age. Matthew 28:20

I guess it wasn't surviving in a new town that bugged me the most. I guess it would really be no 'biggie' for most people. But I just find every day miracles amazing, amidst its simplicity. It's sweeter when you whine about having little or no help, but help has actually been there all the way!

Coping with Holidays...

2011-08-28T11:16:00.004+08:00

It's good to be home after a lapse of close to 7 months. This has been an awesome August (the month in itself never fails to surprise); I turned 24, I got my birthday wishes, got my green light to transition to the next phase and even had an awesome time in India with 2 very dear friends!

It's great to be home, and just have a break from everything (and everyone, woops!) else.

But I guess the only reason I would write this post is to actually rant on what habits actually do to us.

I find it abnormal to just sit around and not do anything. Since coming home, I have not been able to fully watch a complete movie at home. Twice, my dreams have been about 'things I need to do'. And mostly, it nearly feels 'sinful' to just bum around and reassure yourself that you are indeed resting.

Well, it isn't all so bad. Perhaps, holidays just need some getting use to. The mind and the body just doesn't seem to be able to adjust that fast!

Short Fused, Irritable. Low Threshold Whatever....

2011-08-11T21:11:00.003+08:00

You know those days when you're happy the evening is all going to be yours and you can actually afford to take life a "little easy"...

And then some clown decides to cut into your lane, at top speed, knowing full well that it is going to turn red anyway...and hope that you will be gracious enough to delay or stop an 'impending accident' on your own accord - because he just needs to be parked ahead of you!

And some other clown purposely delays all your food orders to entertain the non take-away orders just because they have acquired the art of pushing through their orders in a world where everything needs to be instant (even when you have come LATE, even when you're not following turns, even when you have not worked a little harder at being on time etc.)...

For the first clown, I honked so loud it really read...ah, never mind. To add to the 'effect', I had to flash my head lights, honk again so that the whole world knew that I was mad when it turned green finally.

For the second clown, well I just walked away!

I am so afraid to ask for that my impatience be dealt with, severely or with lenience...

Because they always say, "Be careful what you ask for". And that's cause, we'd be surprised that the lessons are going to be pretty hard.

So I'm going to have to think about that this week!

'That' I Do Not Know, 'This' I Know...

2011-08-09T22:31:00.008+08:00

This were the words of a blind man who received sight. He was blind from birth and he had no idea about the person who had done this miracle for him. He only knew one thing:

He replied, "Whether He is a sinner or not I do not know. One thing I do know, I was blind but now I see." John 9: 25

You see, I never really understood the intensity of these lines until 'the truth' dawned on me at many different points of my life.

And today I feel it again.

I'm sad that I cannot express it the way I'd like to.

Look. Today was not perfect. It wasn't fantastic. But it was a great feeling. And that's all there is to it. A lot of other people would have been happier to do a celebration dance. Or a lot of other people may have higher expectations of themselves.

I simply don't. It wasn't perfect (to re-emphasize my point). In fact nowhere close. I don't know what it''ll be like a few days from now. I don't know. I really don't!

To be honest, I've learnt to live from day to day.

But for now, I can only say that I feel thankful.

Maybe when we realize how much we don't deserve something and live to see it - we cannot deny the overwhelming joy!

So in my own words:

About that (the end outcome) I do not know! About this (the joy of feeling that I am not alone), I do know. It is simply real! You'll have no idea of even a fraction of what has been extended to me when I have not done anything to earn it. Oh, Lord, FATHER....

Peace Like a River...

2011-08-07T08:54:00.004+08:00

I love turning 24 because I now can appreciate some of the changes that has occurred over the course of time;

For better or for worse.... I still am glad that at least, I still am on a journey of discovering more about myself, others and my God.

This past week I have been overwhelmed with so much of peace for no apparent reason (I don't even know everything I ought to know for the upcoming 2 weeks), and yet I have never felt this way in a long time - maybe never even.

And I know it is surely nothing that I have done. It cannot be.

I was so scared to admit it lest I 'jinx' it. But hey, I cannot hide the truth.

I have been so upset about certain opinions in the past month; mostly made by people who have lived longer than me (and weren't necessarily directed at me), but may have seemed biased or subject to controversies.

I'm even thinking about some of them as I write this post.

But actually, I cannot be upset anymore. In that respect, I have the peace that God is at hand.

As I have read today, I can say that at the end of the day:

To humans belong the plans of the heart,
but from the Lord comes the proper answer of the tongue,
All of a person's way seems pure to them,
but motives are weighed by the Lord.

Proverbs 16: 1, 2

Wishing for Happy Returns of (Other) Day(s)....

2011-08-04T09:55:00.002+08:00

Apparently today is a little more special than the other 365.75 days of the year. I wouldn't really know if it matters.

Maybe more for mum and dad since they commomerate 27 years of wedded bliss!

For me, my wishes increase by the year.

Here's 2:

1. Getting through today without feeling like the worst person who has lived!
2. More than the planned trip to India on the 20th or the joy of passing, I honestly want to be home; I haven't been since early this year and I miss them like crazy! And I just want be at home, with some peace, quiet and BLISS (really)!

Okay - it has reached the wish list table.

I got to go!

It's okay to wish no??? I hope so. I really do!

As you take the next step....

2011-08-03T18:28:00.002+08:00

I guess in all the busyness, everything cannot always be about me. It shouldn't be, actually.

So here's expressing my hearty congratulations to all friends, near and far, especially the recently graduated C1/09 peeps who have passed the exams and taken the Hippocratic Oath.

May God direct your paths.

May you continue to learn, relearn and unlearn in this profession.

And be a great extension of care!

C-O-N-G-R-A-T-U-L-A-T-I-O-N-S!

There's Someone Else...

2011-08-01T08:45:00.004+08:00

I'm not sure why I had to fall sick on a study break when I've made every single day matter to me!

I've just thrown about 20 hours away, sleeping.

I used to say that there are 3 important things I look forward to on a regular day: sleeping, meals, bathing (in the said order).

But that doesn't mean I cannot continue to expect, no?

I didn't realize that I have been asking for an answer the past week. It has been bothering me at very subtle intervals. It's been close to ten days, to be exact.

And today, amidst the runny nose, feeling of guilt and inadequacy and 'unpreparedness', I got my answer in a very unexpected way.

To add to that, I have a new reminder:

Remember those days when you're ill and everything, and you are so sure that the only people who would care the MOST (as in pray on bended knees and get all so worked up and lose sleep) will be your parents, since they bore you and will feel all your pain...

The truth is, they may know most things but not ALL things.

There's still someone else who knows the most minute detail in my life. There's still someone else who knows 'why in the world I am bothered by something so trivial'. There's still someone else keeping vigil for me. There's still someone else who cares so much, I cannot imagine how loved I actually am. There's still someone else who actually believes that I am worth it. There's still someone else...

Dear Teacher....

2011-07-30T08:55:00.006+08:00

About two years ago, I decided I should do a short clinical attachment with a senior person, one who is specialized, and have a feel of clinical work. I was only half way through my current academic pursuits and it was close to a 4 month break for most of us. I do not remember the last time I had so much time to myself; usually it was spent planning the next step or worrying if the proposed plans would work.

In good stride, coupled with the encouragement from my parents, I got the paper work done after obtaining the green light from this senior person, who is reputable in his profession.

Day one came and I was scared - I had no idea what the experiences ahead would be like. By day four, I had sent in my letter to withdraw. If I may add, I was only 20. This leaves so much of room to think of what could possibly have occurred over the course of 4 days, for me to reconsider my plans so quickly.

I didn't like my stay because basically some promises were made but my role was largely to assist the clerk at the front desk of the clinic. I have no qualms with that, as I don't think I was anywhere near being qualified to see patients. Though I did think that was the very reason I wanted some 'exposure'.

Day 2 came and it was still the same. Also, there was an added something (as of day one). I was supposed to get accustomed to presumptuous comments made by my then mentor. He was determined to 'break habits', instill in me good virtues lacking in people of the profession, help me be aware of my inadequacies etc. I think he had very good intentions. But an approach I refuse to put a name to.

I had comments like, "I'm sure you have never pushed a wheelchair in your life", "Do you think you're better than the nurses?", "******* these days are all raised in rich homes, they almost do not know the hardship we went through in our pursuit to become who we are" etc. In the mornings, even before a 'hi, hello'!

I think he made a point. On retrospect, I think I did not have the maturity to handle some of this.

I wished he knew the very reason I had an attachment was because I wanted the experience before embarking into clinical school. I wished he knew that I had the option of going for a holiday with friends. I wished he knew that I did not need a certification for my stay and it was purely out of interest. I also wished he knew that I was pursuing an evening attachment elsewhere because I honestly wanted to learn. More importantly, I wished he knew I was not well-to-do. Contrary to popular beliefs, I am largely subsidized by a government loan, and am expected to spend a significant part of my career repaying the debt. And that too, would be a significant part of a menial income. Maybe I wished he also knew that I have pushed more than a wheelchair.

More importantly, I wished he took time to understand. To get to know me. And to work around real deficiencies. If he honestly believed I was a snob in need of a humbling experience, I wouldn't have minded. But he spoke his thoughts from the first day he saw me. I wondered if he did have some extraordinary 'powers', apart from the academic qualification next to his name.

I have seen a repetition of this throughout the years at different levels since. I have understood that it could be part of the 'trade'. I have understood that it is part of the process of toughening us up for the years ahead. I also understood that he was only human, and I could not expect him to employ ways used by Him who created me.

I would still say that I have my doubts on these approaches. They have stayed a bit too long in the profession and perhaps many have gone through it being tougher and better people for the service. I have also observed that many are uncomfortable and there seems to be a lot of 'unwarranted fear' as a result of this approach. Some even shy away from trying, what a pity!

Amidst my reservations, I also think I am thankful that these people genuinely care for the system. I cannot boast of a more superior approach for now. But I also think that there is still a lack of apprenticeship.

I have some questions; can the care of a patient be compartmentalized? Can I say that I care for the patient and so everything else becomes secondary (including demeaning a colleague who was called to be part of the joint partnership? Can I say that showing anger, frustration and some degree of hostility will be the approach towards inspiring higher standards? Could I also say that people are not receptive to gentler approaches anymore because we are hard of hearing? Could I be expected to receive criticism like an adult, perform with the maturity of an adult but not be rendered the respect given to an adult?

I wouldn't know. Only time will tell.

But for now, I am most thankful for Him who understands, who surpasses all my expectations, who constantly stands above all the mortals on earth, who assures me that while I may be forever labelled as a 'lower mortal' by mortals, I am still important to Him, and He will be the guide and teacher when I have found little inspiration from them who profess to teach.

And He will show me and help me understand them. With time. And what I could do to improve myself.

Dear Teacher,

I'm counting on you. I enrolled in Your class a long time ago. I understand that I am your weakest student (no doubt). Not your best choice (I'm sure). But thank you for being more than a teacher. Thank you for being wonderful You!

Pris.

He is before all things, an in Him all things hold together. Colossians 1: 17

It's Your Standards, Sir!

2011-07-29T08:47:00.008+08:00

The drug addict will tell you that he is a good person, and the addiction is only a means of relief. And we may have our own perceptions of him but I remember the few that I have met at the hospital ward - they did not appear 'bad' to me. By his standards, he may be absolutely right.

The father who raped his own daughter, incarcerated her in a dungeon, together with other children who were born through her, claims that he wasn't a bad person. He said that he did care for his children's needs and it was him who decided to bring his daughter to the hospital after 20 over years of 'imprisonment' when she was ill. By his standards, he may not be entirely wrong.

And all of us with religion (whatever they may be) will 'preach' to you varying standards, as proposed by our beliefs.

I have finally learnt the actual meaning of not imposing your standards on others. It was not very long ago.

In those years of learning, I have seen that the very same people who have said these seem to impose their standards. Perhaps in a diplomatic way. Perhaps in a more subtle manner.

If we judge by our own standards, and trust our judgment of what is perceived to be right and wrong - I will agree that we cannot always go wrong. After all, there should be some amount of 'substance' in us given the learning experiences, all that moral education in school, our bringing up and the inherent values that are in us, and yes, the academic qualifications next to our names. I mean, if we had no discernment of what is acceptable and what is not, it will be quite pitiful.

The bigger question in all this will be - will the standards we perceive as right (e.g. allowing a patient to decide his/her own treatment benefits based on her preference) be always correct? Could we be wrong? In the event of 'caring' and 'doing the best for the patient', could we have made some miscalculations? Pay attention, please: This may be a gross mistake!

And we cannot console ourselves with: To err is man, to forgive is divine...bla bla...

The last time I checked, no single mortal being is indispensable. That is the reason we keep making mistakes and console ourselves with the saying; we learn from our mistakes.

I find it amusing that healthcare workers have so much of trust in their own personal standards and scorn at religious standards (whichever religion it may be). The point is, they are both measured against some sort of a standard.

Maybe some of us have embraced that we are not governed by our personal standards, for the sole reason that we cannot fully trust ourselves. And since there is a higher being with higher standards, we follow in obedience. We too have good intentions of not causing harm and showing care, amidst our different 'reference points'.

Personally, it is easier to be governed by my own standards. Seeing the world through my eyes wouldn't be a real problem. But I remember my imperfections and shortcomings. I cannot be always right. Even if it seems right.

So I don't seem to get this line: Please do not impose your religious standards.

I think you mean: Please consider my personal standards as you choose to follow whatever you perceive as right.

Please don't say: I care for the patient so I do such. (Thank you very much, but so do most of us!)

Cause I would then ask: Would that mean that you care for the patient more than I do? Have you not considered that I may also care and mean well (though I may not necessarily have a pure heart as yours, cause incidentally I am on a constant journeyof developing a pure heart)?

Looking Back and Ahead....

2011-07-28T09:09:00.005+08:00

There are one too many days when I have liked what I am doing. And there are one too many days when I have disliked the mere fact that I am pursuing this.

I wished there was a proper assessment to measure 'readiness'. A more wholesome test that can accurately tell me where is it that I stand, and not just in terms of cognition/knowledge whatever.

With what I know, will it suffice to move on?

With everything that I am, would I fit into what is expected of me?

Can I fully trust all the feedback given to me? Can they be too good to be true/untrue?

****

I look to You,
I look to You,
After all my strength is gone,
In You I can be strong.

I look to You,
I look to You,
And when melodies are gone,
In You I hear a song, I look to You.

Whitney Houstan's I Look to You

In Spite of Everything....

2011-07-23T22:16:00.003+08:00

And so it is, the study break begins. I feel numb.

I have reflected on one too many things in the final posting; and the most important being:

If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2: 13

Enough said!

What Breaks My Heart

2011-07-20T18:08:00.004+08:00

When I already know that I were going to fail even before I started.

When I know that, it was all my fault!

I just have a few requests:

1. To walk out of it learning a little more of everything that I need to know

2. Not to feel too bad, and to remember the happier times

3. Not to cry in public, cause even my father finds it embarrassing

4. To forget! As quickly as I can, that I were made to feel small.

I convince myself that I have not conceded defeat. But I struggle to believe.

And then I say the all too familiar lines:

Lord I believe. Help my unbelief!

Just One Thing...

2011-07-19T23:14:00.003+08:00

If there is one very important thing that should forever drive me...it is the very fact that I have understood the feeling of helplessness.

Helplessness kills. Helplessness is a very debilitating state.

And helplessness, the last time I checked, could be helped most of the time.

So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. Then the man said, "Let me go for it is day break".

Genesis 32: 24 - 26;

I'm not quite getting it. But I'd prefer to ask - would You let go?

Not Nearly Camouflaged....

2011-07-10T22:09:00.003+08:00

" We seem like grasshoppers in our own eyes". Numbers 13:33

They always say it is too early for us to whine and give up; we've not seen the real deal. We're only at the tip of the ice berg. And it is too early....too early to even pretend that we know a fraction what it will take to survive then.....

But then again, who are they to say?

I just know that I cannot help what I feel right this moment.

Unexpected....

2011-07-03T08:59:00.002+08:00

The last thing I'd like to invoke in anyone is guilt. It's usually my fault anyway.

And I'd rather be hurt and than to hurt. Though it stinks.

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossions 3: 12 - 17

Still, I'm the Biggest Liar...

2011-06-26T23:31:00.003+08:00

In any relationship, there has to be some amount of trust.

I once intersected an adult conversation (I was considered to be least "adult" in the circle, being 18 or 19), when I volunteered my opinion to a whining young woman who spent the night crying because her soon-to-be spouse (who is almost twice her age) was upset with her 'past midnight outings' with a group of close friends.

My not so intelligent response was, "Relationships are built on trust, tell him that". Well, it wasn't so intelligent because I was the only person in the circle not to have been in a relationship. So who was I to say???

***

I think I have earned my trust just because I try to keep my word, my promises, whatever I pledge commitment to (even if it weren't signed and stamped by the commissioner of oath).

But on retrospect, I have actually been granted "more" trust than what is due.

Last week, I went crazy awaiting the impending doom, which turned out to be a celebration dance in some respects. And then, my deceitful heart, took me through a series of unfaithfulness towards Him who has been faithful.

I always complain that You don't care enough, that you don't trust me enough, that You wouldn't listen to what I'd like.

The truth is, the very things I complain of mirror my heart.

You've always been the bigger person in this relationship. You're so bad at giving up!

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord". Romans 8: 38, 39

Some Things That Seem to Stay the Same....

2011-06-22T19:29:00.005+08:00

I have my own "superstitions". I cannot correctly define it but i recognise it as thoughts and perceptions of events that I hold on to strongly/interpret in a certain way; and it may not necessarily have any reasonable grounds. Sometimes, it may even seem bizarre!

It goes like this:

I tend to assume that the events that happen today may be a result of yesterday's course of events.

If I have received kindness today, I'm supposed to enjoy it while it lasts. And it would be wrong to assume that it will happen tomorrow. And if I did entertain such a notion, it will inevitably be deemed null and void i.e. NO kindness will be returned tomorrow for expecting such today!

Or if today was awesome, I need to anticipate the impending doom tomorrow...

If I desire something too much, it may happen - but never at the intensity I'd have liked.

If I savoured some amount of joy and pleasure - it is certainly because I had least expected it.

But sometimes I get tired of making these interpretations. More often than not, it is subconscious.

And today I feel tired. REALLY TIRED. There is only so much I can hide. It's been exhausting!

Gideon replied, “If now I have found favor in your eyes, give me a sign that it is really you talking to me. Judges 6: 17

Honestly, I'd prefer to hear of Your signs. Cause mine are depressing and demotivating.

And borrowing Gideon's lines, it's going to be my single prayer tonight!

Burdensome? Tiresome maybe...

2011-06-15T17:42:00.005+08:00

Breaking the rules have not always been easy.

Especially when you cannot get away scot-free.

And even if you do, there's somehow the company of guilt to deal with and get rid off.

This is the love of God, that we keep His commandments. And His commandments are not burdensome. 1 John 5:3

And so I read yesterday, which I cannot help but revisit today. I wasn't sure I got that right.

And an extract that was enclosed:

The Bible is a most realistic book. It assumes human beings will be tempted to lust after a neighbor or covet someone else’s property, to work too hard, to strike out in anger at those who wrong them. It assumes humanity will bring disorder to whatever we touch.

I cannot agree more.

I wished I made pretty good assumptions myself!

Questions...

2011-06-12T16:35:00.004+08:00

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6: 12

I have found this too complex at times because I may have struggled to find examples that fit. Until some examples were made clear today.
And that seems to explain some very common frustrations and disappointments.

Last week, I had to deal with two very subtle problems. The kind that if you'd discuss in the open, could be rendered as hopelessly trivial.

The kind that reduces you to questioning: What is the use of working hard on your own tasks when someone else is going to conveniently cut corners and reproduce part of your very own?

And the other would be, how can we address white lies? The kind that we students cook up for the sake of not getting into the bad books and not being questioned for not doing what would have been the right thing to do.

My real question would then be:

1. To what extent is copying without permission allowed? I obviously seem to be upset. But then again, I too use extracts of materials written pain-stakingly by various authors for personal use/group discussions (and offer credit at times).

2. If we allow ourselves occasional untruthfulness knowing we wouldn't lie about big stuff, will that really hold true in the later years?

Too Much on your Plate!

2011-06-04T21:34:00.005+08:00

I remember working for an event last year which involved the sale of tickets, which went in the hundreds. The memory of the incident came to mind this morning when I recalled having the not-so-nice job of calling this guy who volunteered to take 100 tickets but returned it all in full. During the 2 - 3 months that he kept the tickets, he was away from the country and not within reach. He of course had various justifications when I didn't even ask for any. I just wanted the tickets back!

****

It pains me to think that I impose very "strict rules" on others. Sometimes it stinks so bad to be that bad person who will inevitably appear as unreasonable, unforgiving, merciless, rule-book-girl, hopelessly paranoid and good-for-nothing peer/colleague/partner.

But I always ask my self? Why would I be less forgiving when I plead for forgiveness everyday from Him for my unending shortcomings?

I just think that among the many things that upset me, I get particularly upset when people don't keep to their word and even if they were falling short of their word, wouldn't see the need to inform/ask for help.

Humility is many things; it is not assuming to know something when you don't. It's willing to apologize when you need to. It's being teachable. Bla bla bla... But it's also not taking too much on your plate when you simply cannot afford to. And being able to say - no, I can't handle this.

Because it's liberating. And it saves a lot of other people some headache!

When we assume too much on our plate and not fulfill it - then sorry, I cannot help but be infuriated. Especially if it is a team work.

And ah, the excuses. Sometimes I wished I could write them all down and tell them - Are you really sure it was not feasible or did you just not think it was something that needed to be attended to sooner rather than later?

But then, who am I to say that?

I'm learning. To be more tolerant. More understanding? I don't know. And to live with some labels that aren't quite popular. Because it's tiring to explain why you do what you do!

Satisfaction

2011-06-02T17:51:00.002+08:00

Ecclesiastes is so....right. Melancholic. Real. Correct. Absolute???

Everyone’s toil is for their mouth, yet their appetite is never satisfied. Ecclesiastes 6: 7.

Let's put it this way: I'll never be satisfied with any of my toil.

But here's the harder part: Being at peace. Being trusting.

I Have Taken The First Step...HOO-RAY!

2011-05-29T13:13:00.003+08:00

Procastination is a chronic, almost irreversible disease of mankind with a lifelong prevalence and perhaps, individual susceptibility. And the prognosis remains poor.

Amidst that, I still fail to completely conquer this area of my life. Because I am intelligent enough to make intelligent excuses.

E.g. I told my dad who visited me today that I keep the laundry for Sundays because i get to wash it all at once and save water. To which he had nothing to say. I couldn't be more pleased about my ability to silence him. Of course I had nothing to say bout servicing the car engine oil/changing the balding tyres/cutting the fast growing grass etc.

But there is one thing I have deliberately and intentionally kept to the end - typing my 2 month notice for end of tenancy as chief tenant of my present rented home. I must tell you that the due date is only the middle of next month - but I try to keep my lists of things to do really small, and this never got struck out.

No biggie you may say. But for me, it meant the world to type the following amongst many other things:

With reference to the above matter, I (Priscilla A/P *****, NRIC No.: *****, Chief Tenant of Your ******* house would like to inform you I do not wish to extend the period of tenancy which will end on 25 August 2011.

Because it actually means,

I am moving out of here at all costs. There's no turning back. And I am seeing beyond. I am able to come to terms with the fact that the bridge will be crossed. And the platform to the other side is ready.

And then I say my prayer that I hope will move Your heart and hands again:

Dear God,
"I do believe; help my unbelief." Mark 9: 24.

Pretty please help my unbelief!!!!!!!!

-pris-

Meaningless?

2011-05-23T22:36:00.005+08:00

I have started a series of meditation on Ecclesiastes, as part of my homework for a weekly group study. But I must admit there is no greater comfort, this whole week, then coming home to read this passage, while sipping on cough syrup (more to induce sleep rather than for therapeutic reasons). Because it doesn't really make me feel so bad.

There comes a point when you're happy doing what you need to do but just grow tired perfecting yourself.

I wished...

I could be up and about half an hour earlier that I already am, each day, and long for sleep only at a quarter past twelve.

I wish I were always in the pink; not having the chronic dry cough that seems to bother quite a handful or the atopic eczema that disrupts my sleep (mum has a theory - it is stress, she says).

I wish I ate a little less and exercised more. Or even made time for exercise...

I wish I will not day dream or covet, especially when it upsets...

I wish I retained every single knowledge I have learned.

I wished I were more teachable, more understanding and a better listener.

I wished I stopped running into people I wouldn't want to meet, especially on a so-called holiday week.

I wished I had better management of my funds, my home and my time.

And actually, right now, I wished I could just....convince my heart 2 things:

1. It's gonna be alright.

2. Be patient. Wait!

What do people gain from all their labours, at which they toil under the sun? Ecclesiastes 1:3

Post-dated

2011-05-18T20:11:00.003+08:00

Therefore we do not lose heart. 2 Corinthians 4: 16

To Him who:

Keeps no records of wrongs,

Measures the tears,

Weighs the heartache,

Makes allowances for ALL the shortcomings,

Extends grace beyond grace,

And provides mercy.

Thank You!

I'm sure I was supposed to title a post, 'Why I'd dread today', except i fell asleep too soon.

And then I lived to see why. TODAY!

Being Safe...

2011-05-06T00:31:00.004+08:00

Today I felt for the first time the sensation of an electric shock. And I can still feel the aftermath.

And then I've met two children; one who ingested his grandmother's medication and another who had an electric shock.

On a separate note, I nearly had a collision with the same person's car TWICE, within a time frame of ten minutes. I could almost hear her cursing though I was cruising way ahead. And I felt terrible though I know both were not intentional. I wonder if we'd meet again (what with my very identifiable car sticker). What a shame... And I figure that she is my superior. A familiar face, one whom I cannot put a name to the face.

Coincidence you may say.

But it was timely;

Cause I seriously need to exercise more caution, drive slowly (and not argue that I am on the right side of the lane) and basically....be safe.

Permission to Dream....

2011-04-28T18:26:00.005+08:00

There was this questionnaire today in which we were asked about our area of interests (with respect to the career of choice) in the nearest future.

My entries came to an abrupt end when my option was - no plans as yet (simplified to this effect).

Sometimes I think I need permission to even dream.... though I am a day dreamer.

I can day dream while I'm waiting at the traffic light, while I'm standing, while I'm eating, while I'm waiting to fall asleep...even while I'm talking.

But real dreams cease to exist, the kind you want to have and actually see come to pass. Cause they're dreamt with anticipation, hope and some degree of faith.

And that's why day dreaming still fits. Cause it's absolute crap, and I know it'll never happen in a million years!

I know You know the desires of my heart. But help me even have a desire for something. For I have found none....Sometimes I don't dare. Cause I think I need permission to even dream.

It Ain't Easy....

2011-04-27T12:31:00.002+08:00

It's scary to be overwhelmed with so much of self.

It's disheartening to come to terms with the actual fragile nature of my heart.

And it's tiring to battle with it.

Mostly I am angry, because I think I have tried to stay out of trouble. But it still finds me anyway.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phillipians 1: 29.

It will take so much more to actually say this, believe it and mean it with my whole heart. And I've realized that more than ever this morning.

Today I Don't Feel Like Doing Anything???

2011-04-24T14:33:00.003+08:00

Before my exam on Thursday, my only prayer was that I walked away knowing a little more about areas I needed to work on. And that I won't whine about the outcome, whatever it may be.

And they always say, "Be careful what you ask for". And well, why am I not even surprised that I had my prayers answered?

I leave this posting with a heavy heart and many, many memories. Many of which I can never think or imagine. It's never too soon to think about the next posting.

By the time I got my house sorted, the room cleaned, the stationery in order and the laundry done, I still have an unending list of things to do.

Amongst which is:

Ask God for divine intervention. Because I am tired, weary and in need of rest. (I know, nothing new!)...I wished I had a longer weekend to join the Easter celebrations back home!

And yet, a part of me sings with joy. For the health, for the strength, the grace to move on and the many, many learning opportunities. None of which I had control over.

Dear Bestie,

I know you'd catch more than a grenade for me! That was not meant to be funny (though the song in itself does get me cracked up). Thank you. Please help me not to walk blindly. And not to be deceived by the yearnings of my heart. I have plenty to do, and I hate the thought of falling short of what is expected of me. Please don't walk away - even when I get absolutely annoying. For I know not what I will do without You.

-pris-

When I Figured - Joy Unspeakable

2011-03-25T16:43:00.006+08:00

Almost every day, including this morning, I asked God:

What is it that I do that upsets You so much?

Then I got my reply, though in the most unexpected way:

He replied, "What is it that I don't do that upsets you so much?"

I don't miss crying tears of sorrow (why won't I, someone even said I have powerful lacrimal glands, no?).

But I realized today that I've missed crying tears of joy; I almost forgot what it was like to cry just because of overwhelming joy....

Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, my soul, and forget not all his benefits— who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. Psalm 103: 1-5

I'm glad to let some things be. And heave a sigh of relief and be able to say, "Let bygones be bygones".

Or be able to weigh the magnitude of sadness that comes all too frequently and be able to confidently say to it: You mean so little to me!

Please try harder...

2011-03-21T22:44:00.004+08:00

And Abel also brought an offering - fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favour upon Abel and his offering.....Genesis 4: 4

Abel gave his best. And God loved his best.

Sometimes I think I give my best. But apparently, I don't....it's a delusion or a make-belief that I seem to believe in.

Until I go to bed most of the nights and realize....it ain't enough.

And it'll never be.

Worst still, the very efforts I make may be poorly understood and thrown back at my face.

And most of the time, it reads: Try Harder! Cause it ain't enough...

Sometimes they say, "We plan and God laughs". I'm not sure what exactly makes God laugh though I do know of what breaks His heart (cause I habitually do so, perhaps...)...

I wonder if it's my efforts. Cause I'd be the first to admit that I laugh at my own.

But I do secretly hope that it will be known that it were my best. That almost everything has had some toil, blood and sweat. And love and 'heart' as an added ingredient.

My Choice-lah!

2011-03-03T20:14:00.007+08:00

PRO 4:26 Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm.

What would you do if you have to choose between a tiramisu or ice cream for dessert? That's simple, because it's just dessert. And you can probably have a bit of both if your friend obliges and buys one of it and both of you can pamper your taste buds with two different types of dessert.

But what then would you do, if you have to make choices that doesn't let you have a bit of both ends; where we choose one, and let the other go....

Some things just gotta give, no?

Especially when you're reduced to acknowledging all your limitations and working around what fits. When you've recognized that time is precious and every single minute counts. When you know that you'll have no one else to blame at the end of the day, if you miss the mark. When ten different people have said in twenty different ways that more of something needs to be done (by you), and it's going to require much effort from you (because they just know you won't make it if you don't). When you have good intentions at heart but are not able to fulfill all, because, you simply cannot have too much on your plate. And well, it was never about the doing, was it?

I'm tired of restling with this matter.

Have I done enough good deeds? Well I know I'd never do enough, and the little I do may seem insignificant. Though I do try to put so much of thought, planning, preperation, TLC when I actually do something. So it ain't seem redundant....

Have I compromised on relationships because I need to redeem time with ongoing work? Well I know I'm probably deduced to be one.

Have I chosen to perfect something and let another part of me go down the drain? Well, may be that other part can wait for now.

And I guess all I have to say is:

Look. I make plenty of sacrifices each day. It takes a toll on almost everything. And there are some decisions I make because I do not know of an alternative. If it is true that we are beautifully and wonderfully made, we also know that we have individual traits that are unique to us. Mine happens to include some deficient qualities that warrants more effort on my academic pursuits.

I didn't complain of being stupid, no? I just said I need more time to achieve the same end result as the rest of them. And happy to lose some sleep and welcome the pimples that adorn my face...which are proportional to the stress I experience.

I may not be fully understood.

I can comprise on A's or B's. But I cannot compromise on certain principles. I simply can't. I'll lose more sleep over that.

So here's the thing: I like my choices. They keep me going. And I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a bad daughter/friend/sister/student. And if it does, I'm counting on Him to let me know.

Plus I know if I compromise on something, or oblige when I shouldn't - I'll end up paying - a big hefty sum.

TO-gether!

2011-02-19T21:40:00.002+08:00

A friend cautioned me a few months ago that shouldering the burden of others may not be a very wise move.

I guess he meant to say that there is a line between being nice, caring for others, being taken advantage of and learning to say no....yada-yada...all of which, we've known since forever.

Never mind shouldering the burdens of one another. I think shouldering joint responsibilities tend to upset me a lot, more so over the past year and a half.

When you end up doing a little more than your bargain (though it may benefit you at the end), when you listen about others ranting about their share of the bargain or making intelligent excuses...

If anyone things they are something when they are not, they are deceiving themselves. Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load. Galatians 6: 3 - 5

And then I hope for the grace to be more patient, more understanding, less pissy...Because either way, you're going to be the bad person.

Some matters/decisions are just so unpopular! Sigh.

I'm MAD!

2011-02-14T21:12:00.003+08:00

“The practice of celebrating the day of love (Valentine’s Day) has not been recommended by Islam. (The) spirit (of the) festival has elements of Christianity and the practice is mixed with immoral acts (and) are prohibited by Islam that clearly contradicts the belief, Sharia and Islamic morality. Therefore, Muslims are prohibited from engaging in celebrating the day.”

I am too busy to fume over this.

Let's stop celebrating birthdays then since it may be of a western culture, and most things western are usually connected to Christianity anyway.

While there were many attempts to phrase the above matter tactfully, not wanting to offend those who celebrate the event, it has surely been poorly understood.

Look. I'm 23. Single. And spending the evening studying liaison psychiatry in a rather quiet library while I'm pretty sure many of my friends are celebrating Valentine's with a special someone or family and friends.

And I am very happy for them and wished my parents were around for me to intrude into the celebration as well.

And I'm not sure I'd be celebrating it big time in the near future.

But to even suggest a religious connotation is not only a pitiful confabulation. It is an act of blatant ignorance. And unwillingness to research further and better understand the occasion.

Yes, a lot of hormones will be running wild today. Blame the poor choices, the media, the value system, the bringing up etc....don't pick on a single day in the calender!

What's Next....

2011-02-13T12:36:00.003+08:00

After a not-so-satisfying lunch, I'm am waiting for time to pass in the library, so this particular person I am supposed to meet with would be done with his lunch, and hopefully would be 'okay enough' to tell me why he did the unthinkable. Cause the task at hand, given to me by the lecture, is to talk to him and encourage him. And I agreed (without thinking of course).

Encourage him of what, I wouldn't know.

That's probably because, I, like him, cannot see beyond today. Let alone if I'd do MRCP or surgery or whatever else every other person is planning.

Even the girls I am spending the weekend with, preparing for their exam, have better insight of what will be happening next month. And the months after....

When peace like a river,
Attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot,
Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well,
It is well, with my soul.

This Tough, Massive almost Failing Project...

2011-02-12T13:12:00.004+08:00

Yesterday, I was driving after dinner when I dropped my house keys into a tiny compartment around the hand break area. I tried for a long time to squeeze my left hand through the tiny compartment and reach for it, only to get it scratched.

It was late. My usual mechanic would have been closed. My phone was left at home, on charge.

And I had 2 options; take a slow 4 hour drive back to my hometown (with no clothes and no phone for emergency contact) and surprise my parents.

Or be parked outside my house and wait, hoping one of the 3 homies (2 of whom had left for the weekend) would be home (I had no clue of her plans).

My thoughts cum prayer;

Dear God, thank you for confirming my present and very certain conviction in life. I've been alone and will always be alone, because I am a product of poor choices.

But as I was driving home, I noticed a paint shop and I tried my luck.

Voila, I had it fixed in 3 mins, with no service charge.

Then I changed my prayer. A bit.

And asked Him not to give up on His work-in-progress. I am probably one of the toughest, massive 'project' He has been working on. And if He wrote a book on it, it'll be a bestseller.

Eye Opening....

2011-02-05T16:58:00.003+08:00

It feels like it was only a few days ago when we moved into this home, which my aunt describes as 'too luxurious for students'....but it wouldn't be too long before we put up the notice that it will be vacant for new tenants.

I know many seniors who keep telling me that you will feel that the past 5 years at this institution has been very long. I'm not there yet, but I still think that it has been pretty fast.

My latest rants has been about my selective period (the electives were spent in the Philippines, and I reckon, was the best season in the year 2010).

During the selective period, I tagged along with 4 different supervisors, 3 of whom have left an impression with me. I never knew I was capable of making overnight changes until of late.

I have stuck to the advice. I am counting the days and hours, trying to redeem every second of what is left, cause I am supposed to be 'out' sometime around this time, in the coming year.

Perhaps this was one of those answered prayers when I pleaded with God for divine intervention.

Funny, I never saw it that way though. Until....yesterday?

Bukit Cermin, Ladang Jasin Lalang, Malacca

2011-02-04T10:26:00.004+08:00

We were adamant about driving through Malacca amidst it being the first day of Chinese New Year because my mum and aunt were through with promising to show us the place they grew up in.

They were raised in a rubber plantation as both my grandparents were posted as teachers/headmaster to the schools nearby. They were given a big bungalow, built in the pre-colonial era by the British and were allowed to live there for many, many delightful and memorable years.

In those days, there was plenty of life in the estate. They had fireworks, open air movie screenings and plenty of colourful and religious festivities. There were buses entering through the little terrain we carefully drove through.

That was 40 years ago.

What remains of it today is a shrine built just outside the home, where my mum used to light candles on out of reverence to an unknown god.

And the nearby temple that was the centre stage of festivities.

The house has been demolished to make way for oil palm trees. And the place which was once a hub of activities and life is now dead.

Devastating, I would say...

And mum lives with her memories while I live on imagined ones. It's true when they say that time waits for no one. We just move on too fast.

Coincidences....

2011-01-23T22:57:00.001+08:00

It would break my heart if nearly everything came by out of chances.

Because I don't want any of it to be a mere....coincidence.

Permission to be Angry...

2011-01-16T00:30:00.004+08:00

I don't get how people can be so confident with their way of life, they're almost always certain that:

They're doing it right.

They will never self-depriciate (at least, almost never....)

There are uncertainties but they've got it figured (or at least, they're holding up....)

There are worries but not bad enough to lose sleep over (or to cry over....)

They're sure they're good at coping with the stress of life (or at least appear to be....)

They're sure they're made for the years ahead, and nothing is going to stand in the way (or at least that's what it seems to be...)

They're so sure they just can't go wrong.... (or at least can hardly go wrong...)

And I do not say this in resentment towards anyone. Because I think there are many, many days when I wished I were doing just the same.

But I can't.

Because I am not that. I am simply not that!

When Something Ends....

2010-12-05T23:27:00.002+08:00

It's been an amazing one month in the Philippines.

They say, "when something ends, something else begins..."

I'm at the final month of the year, the month which gets me absolutely excited.

Except it's been a little laid back this year. It's been a pretty slow year, this year.

I just want it to be a meaningful Christmas this year.

That's my only Christmas wish this season!

Because I'm Small Minded

2010-10-23T10:18:00.003+08:00

What do you do when you've worked your guts out and still get the vibes that you haven't?

I always find meself asking this question, "what is hardwork?"

Because I know I've worked my guts out, but am constantly unsure if it is enough...

And then I play the blame game.

And it's going to sound pathetic if I list all the things I do, because I don't remember anyway.

But sometimes it is disheartening not to taste the fruit of my labour. Though I do remind myself that I may be asking too much.

Then I ask Him whom I blame for my sacrifices:

Would it have been better if I whisked off to be with my family whom I adore absolutely?

Would it have been better to indulge in that which I could afford with money?

Would it have been better to think more of myself, and less of others?

Would it have been better to do it the way that I subcribed to when I was deemed as 'younger' and immature?

And then I realize that the cost of dying to self doesn't always follow the principle of the reward system.

Perhaps I've been to small minded with my petitions and appeals.

Insignificantly Important....

2010-10-10T23:56:00.002+08:00

"Everything we do is insignificant...
....but it is important". -Gandhi-

***

I am beginning to like the fact that he said 'everything'. Not 'some things' or 'the majority of things'.

A couple of years back, I may have instantly rattled off my rebuttal speech, in disagreement to this quote.

But I've come to pause and think....

Sometimes when I'm driving alone or dining alone, I tend to be preoccupied with the thoughts about people I will never know or never meet.

And wonder if they have led insignificant lives....

I look at mine, and am inclined to think that it has been quite a tiring past.

This is not meant to deep.

I guess all I'm trying to say is that, I've tried at all cost to learn, relearn and unlearn that which I have to.

It's harder when I'm given the unreasonable task of figuring people out.

Not that I should (Yes, I know).

It's just that, I tend to hear these words resonating:

....You shouldn't be this way...You should be this other way....

Or at least, they seem to indirectly suggest the above.

And while I already know the correct reply, I just can't help wondering....

If I were important at all.

Because 'Sorry' is the Hardest Word To Say.....

2010-09-15T16:28:00.004+08:00

I was once double parked outside a busy bank. I had no co-driver to help me out. I rushed in to make a quick transaction, the line unending.

I'm not sure if it was a lunch break or it was the evening before something I absolutely needed to attend to.

And everybody knows how impatient Pris can get.....an area God alone can deal with, perhaps.

And somewhere in the line (no I don't jump queues, even if it were a life or death matter), I made a quick dash to a working machine (that was successfully repaired), only to realize that the guy wanted to test it again.

So I apologized. And he seemed to be amused with the apology, as if totally understanding my predicament and need to be quick. Then he did the oddest thing known to the entire human race (given the situation):

He sang. He said: Sorry is the hardest word to say!

I was flattered that I had uttered the word that is apparently seldom verbalized. But mostly, I was irritated. Maybe a little entertained (who knows?).

******

You see, if there's one thing I've been seriously struggling with this past year is the fact that sorry is such a carefully selected word, almost non-existent in many people. Sadly, even those whom I deem close to me.

May be I say it one too many times. Believe me, I mean it. And I'm not exactly one to be utterly careless with my actions to repeatedly use the word.

I just think that it is almost natural to utter it when necessary.

Look. Sorry doesn't mean the following:

1. I acknowledge that I'm a full fledged idiot (don't be too quick to laugh, because I seriously cannot comprehend this pathetic human deficiency!)

2. I admit that I am entirely wrong. (note the word entirely)

3. I acknowledge that you are thus better than me, and I am a little lower than you.

4. I am such a loser.

My careful postulations on why sorry seems to be the hardest word:

1. I have pride issues. (Thank you. I kinda figured actually.)

2. I don't think I wronged you. Look, I know it could have been better handled but seriously, don't flatter yourself too much - it has nothing to do with you. (No comments. Period.)

3. Nothing personal. Just business. No offence! (Offence already made, sweetheart.)

4. I've already explained why I did what I did. Ain't my explanations good enough? (Err....sorry, but I'm afraid long winded explanations ain't substitute for a word as short as 'sorry'. It may help me better understand your perspective, but that's about it).

5. I'm better than you! So yea, I'm saving it for someone else. (I know....that someone who'd treat you like dirt, so you learn how to show them some respect. Are you then suggesting that I don't treat you with the respect you ought to receive?)

6. I am right Common, I couldn't possibly have been wrong. Even if I was wrong, I wasn't entirely wrong. (Exactly, you were quite wrong. But I can't expect you to shoulder the whole blame, can I?)

7. Not a habit, mate. My parents didn't make it an absolute necessity. (What a shame?)

8. I forgot. I didn't think about it. (Seriously?....well good to know!)

9. Grow up! Grown-ups don't use the word. (Indeed! It's a school kid sort of thing. Like sorry I took your eraser.)

*******

And because I love saving the best for the last:

Dear friend,

I value all my relationships. God can attest to that, though I do acknowledge that I have to work harder on some as opposed to the rest.

I know I have my moments. It kills me to know what every other person close to me genuinely thinks of me.

But in all that, amidst our imperfections and inadequacies and countless shortcomings, I believe I have been quick to apologize.

Trust me, when I feel wronged and I receive an apology, it is easier to heal. It is an acknowledgement of remorse.

Sometimes, it is also to mean that you realize a personal shortcoming. And as we're all human and we cannot undo something in the past, we thus offer an apology.

It can also represent your intentions that were not deliberate, but a pure mistake/oversight...whatever.

I wished countless times that I could demand for an apology. But that would be insincere.

I only hope you'd learn with time. Pardon me, but I really think we all should.

I trust it'll take us a long way in life. And earn us the respect that we strive so hard to guard.

-pris-

Because it's been forever....

2010-08-06T09:54:00.001+08:00

I wished I had the time and energy to fill this page...

But I guess all I wanted to say was....

"How could I have even allowed myself to come to this state?"

I owe you. But then again, so do you...

2010-04-11T20:32:00.006+08:00

If there's one thing that has been recurrent in the past month, it has to be how difficult we are as people.

We can write plenty on love, what it is and what it isn't. And what it can be.

And then I meet them everywhere. Every other day. I'll tell you about you. But remember this, you is plural. Which is to mean - it is you, him, her and everyone else I refer to.

I see you when you're trying to impress one special soul but wouldn't do the same for almost everyone else.

I see you when you're kind with your words to a particular group of people but wouldn't offer the same for the rest of us.

I see you when you hide behind a facade of nice-ness, not knowing that some of us do know of your intentions.

I see you when you so carefully pick your way through your inner circle, intentionally being impartial towards us who are perhaps the by-standers. I'm trying to recognize the way you compartmentalize....

I see you when you're taking the kindness and the love poured on you for granted. Nevermind if you fail to reciprocate, you've violated the very law of friendship/family by denying that you received anything out of it. Or pretending that it means little to you.

I see you when you'd rather put your energy into someone or something else because we're maybe not worth it, or not good enough.

I see you. I see me. I am sure to ask myself if I do the same, knowingly or unknowingly. Trust me. I do.

I see you. All of us do. You're being watched.

Yes sometimes I get tired of trying harder. There are times I think of you before I bid the night farewell. And maybe bask in some sorrow and hurt. But I remember them who loved me first.

I remember the very foundation of my life - love. And then I tell myself that it wasn't meant to be conditional. Because then it'll be too easy to follow. Too easy to deal with. Too easy to replicate. Too easy to function.

Love ain't easy, friend. And we're all wrong if we think we've fully gotten it.

If you're raising the bar in terms of principles, academic excellence, career pursuits or whatever you like....remember to raise the bar on the love you're giving and sharing with others.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for He who has loved his fellowman has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8

Get it? I owe you. But then again, so do you. It is a continuos debt. There is no repaying in it...

Trying Harder...

2010-03-31T12:33:00.002+08:00

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3: 8 - 17

***

I know it is hard.

I just don't think we've tried hard enough.

It's Just Hard, Lord.

2010-03-27T16:07:00.004+08:00

I won't retire from blogging. I can't. Not until I see a need to.

****

I stopped at Christmas. 2010 came too quickly. It was different; spending Christmas eve and new year eve in the hospital wards and then hurriedly driving down to be at home during the two most important festives, other than Easter Sunday.

And the year has wasted no time with its continuous influx of activities and routines and exams and crisis.

Blame the year. Maybe the number.

Growing up is so hard.

You can be having the best semester and the best feeling on earth (and it actually came after an exam), and then disaster decides to pay you a visit. And he doesn't leave for an entire month.

Mean time, you put your heart and soul into things and people that matter.

Soon after, it is all over.

And you're left to think. Think if you've done it right. Think if you've got it wrong. Think if you've been as Christ-like as you can be.

And then disaster's blood brother, the accuser, sends his darts.

It comes in all directions from all sources.

But life still goes on.

We've got to do what we have to do. We've got to be what we're called to be. We're got to represent Him worth representing.

Then we forgive ourselves. We forgive them. We stop with the 'whys'.

And remind ourselves we're turning 23. There's got to be something that we've learned well enough to have gotten us this far. And it's here to stay.

Even if in many instances, we fail to act our age.

Hello guys. Here's just saying that my page is here to stay. And I'm getting tougher than ever. I am me. More importantly, I am His. And nothing can change that.

Not dead.

2010-03-22T23:37:00.001+08:00

I'm not dead.

I'm just a forth year undergrad.

And I'll be back!

A Different Christmas.....

2009-12-28T00:24:00.011+08:00

43 persons. 1 home. 1 event.

And so it was, I was glad to host a Christmas Open House with two very important people in my life, Marina and Christy at our present home with enormous contributions in all forms from our dear parents.

It was beautiful. I'll never regret one bit for planning this with the girls.

And while our official photographer, Ek Guan, takes his time to upload our photographs, I'd leave you with some memories. Courtesy of the lovely twins. I singled out a few that specifically spelled laughter, love, joy, exotic-ness and pure fun!

"Most of the time, I awake forgetting to be thankful that I am graced to see yet another day. And sometimes I see some of the most beautiful days in my life.....I forget that I have the pleasure to do so only because I am eternally loved."

So I've Been Missing In Action....

2009-12-14T01:31:00.004+08:00

For the record, I've never had an entire one month plus break from the blogsphere. Not even when I was having a long vacation in Perth last year. Oh well....

Clinical school has been more than I had expected. In fact, it amazes me that I am loving it more than I could ever imagine.

Though there has been never a day that has passed by when I've felt incompetent.

Much has happened. I've been proud to host Diana and Mian Li during their recent attachment in Seremban (and that has added much to colour to my life over here). And to top it all up, we had quite a farewell down in Malacca.

And then I also saw to my desire of having my mentor from Tasmania come and visit (and dear, if you're reading this, you must know that I miss you dearly and I cannot help my busy schedule - but I sure will make it up to you).

And then we had the Christmas Night early this December.

I fast forwarded too fast - every other day had its memory.

This week we sit our Clinical and Theory Exams for two postings. After which I shall drop by home for an advanced reunion, Christmas shopping and reunion with the other friends.

But right now, the only thing in my mind is the upcoming Christmas Open house at my place for friends this 21st. I surely know that this year, it is turning out to be 'A Different Christmas'.

Your Demise

2009-10-24T17:31:00.004+08:00

How is it that your demise brings us so much grief...
That is just aches so much...
No amount of tears, sharing or busy schedules and distractions can take it away...

To know that we've done little....
To know that there could have been so many years ahead...
To know that it could have been much better...

And yet, we know....
You didn't lead the insignificant life...

I have....
I have led a life of indifference...

But you have opened our eyes...
To a different, much smaller and fragile world...
One that we'll eternally remember...
And that will remind us...

Of the saving grace.

Fondly remembered,

AML

19*2 - October 22 2009

R.I.P.

Hello and Hi!

2009-09-21T13:25:00.003+08:00

I thought I should at least leave a few lines:

I moved into my home in Seremban. Pretty nice.
It's been great driving around.
My Internal Med posting has already gotten to me.
I've had my car knocked into even before it turned one month. And then I got it paid for by the offender. Quite some stress there....
We're done with three weeks.
My phone line and Internet connection came swiftly.

Joe has left for England. And we miss him terribly.

And this may be irrelevant - but I actually drove home all the way, 2.5 hours on the highway and mind you, it was Raya eve. Talk about breakthroughs!!!!

That's all for now. It sure doesn't feel like a holiday right now.

But I'm Not Her, Lord!

2009-08-24T23:40:00.003+08:00

I never knew how much I dreaded this week until this morning. I hoped beyond hope that my brief vacation with Mian Li, Diana and Qian Hui never met its end. It was heaven on earth. And soon, we were saying our goodbyes.

I was back home for a while only to travel again to settle everything else pending at the home I will soon occupy or a good (and maximum of) 2 years.

And still my heart aches.

What is it about the past three months that I've not done well enough?

I've not been the best child. I admit to have put a hole in my parents' pockets.

And then, amidst the imperfections, I have also conquered some milestones.

I bothered to perform by my cicil duty - I'm a registered voter. I spent the longest period of time with medical attachments. I've met friends. I've done a little bit for the CYW Tour. I've hosted people at home. I've taken a bold step of taking a new car down with me for the Clinicals. I can play about 5 decent pieces under the guidance of Ms. Maria. We've lavished on a memorable and meaningful 25th wedding anniversary celebration. I've settled my accommodation with two wonderful tenants (Marina and MeZhen) with negligible teething problems (which remain the fault of our agent and landlady).

But it still aches.

Because, sometimes, I cannot ignore the fact that a large part of me is being compared to her and her and h-e-r!

I'm too weak to go down any path that will wreck my life. I'm already troubled by many things that await me in the near future. Though a part of me does courageously brush it aside.

And then all those verses flood my mine. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. He remembers our form. The heart is deceiving about all else.

I've too many people around me. But the hopeless truth is that, I can still feel alone on this matter.

This is not how I've intended the semester break to end...

Faith Factor

2009-08-19T19:32:00.003+08:00

After the end of my attachment, I've been still trying to make myself useful.

These two, in particular, have brought about a great boost of confidence:

1. The arrival of my new Auto car - So yeah, driving hasn't been any easier!

2. Resuming my piano lessons after a 6-year gap. My teacher is beautiful. And I can play some really beautiful pieces.

So yeah. I'm off to have a reunion cum farewell vacation with some IMU peeps. And before we'll know it, I'd be whisked away for the Clinical Phase.

Come what may!

Not Well Enough....

2009-08-09T19:56:00.003+08:00

You must know by now that my semester break is coming to an end. I'll be moving on to the next chapter of my life.

On retrospect, I cannot help but thank God for the past years.

If there has been a recurrent thought for the past few months, it has to be that which partially engulfs me with fear....

Have I let time pass too quickly?

I know far too many people who are keen on capturing the memorable days in every way possible and have it shared with others. This I believe is commendable and is an area I'm working hard to keep up with myself even with a video camera, digital camera, public and private blog and two notable social networks.

But then, the bigger question would be one that may sound somewhat a cliche:

Have I let time pass with meaningless pursuits? And have I left no stone unturned even as I move on?

So I've completed a reasonable period of time doing medical attachments.

I've resumed piano lessons with a very kind and beautiful lady. It is liberating to know that all hope is not gone. And the confidence I have gained has had a therapeutic effect on me.

I've met with people I've never dreamt of meeting in a lifetime.

I've met friends I will always miss and went places I may never return to.

I've also remembered and honoured my parents even as they commemorated their 25th wedding anniversary. More than the posh restaurant or fancy details, I prefer to remember it as a celebration in which I know I have not forgotten to say anything that I should have said thus far. The words of my Pastor has resonated well and clear.

And in all my inadequacies, I know I've not done some more important things, choosing to wallow in some miseries, doubts, resentments and selfishness.

And no amount of remorse can undo that...

Because Sometimes, a little Patience should be Added to Hope

2009-07-31T23:06:00.004+08:00

What world was I in when I actually bid him farewell?

It ain't over, till it's over, ain't it not?

Found it!

2009-07-21T20:07:00.008+08:00

Well, this is not to reiterate my point that I am...in fact....resting.

I remember a post I had once wrote on this book that I have been looking for. I assumed I had searched hard enough.

And apparently, I haven't. To add to that, I have found it in the least expected bookstore. In my hometown.

Now that's what I term a divine finding.

The book is a real page-turner. It is no bother that is as thick as my dictionary. If I may add, it surprises me that the author has not written the book to sensationalize the life of the infamous murderer. It had a greater purpose - to create awareness, particularly among women.

My older brother and I were big fans of the programme, Medical Detectives. We watched it religiously on Friday nights. We absolutely anticipated re-runs. And then there was a point of time in which we were obsessed with all these tales and mysteries of serial killings. It kept us intrigued. Or maybe we just had very boring lives in which we ate, slept and buried our heads in books.

Who knows...

I must say that I would have long subscribed to the Crime and Investigation Channel if I had a less hectic schedule. (As it is, most of our channels are under utilized.)

It just bothers me a fair bit that I only know a handful of people who are familiar with the name Ted Bundy. I mean, he was only executed in 1989. Or maybe, that is a long time ago....

P.S. The book has been updated many times. My paperback cover has a different look.

Quite a Life, Honey!

2009-07-19T23:08:00.013+08:00

It has been quite an extraordinary semester break. I've yet to receive a letter stating my new semester fees, which also means, I've yet to receive my 'offer letter'. And it strikes me as odd though I do know that I will advance to the next phase after successfully completing Phase 1.

And in it all, I have found the drive to break the mundane routine I have usually had in previous years during unusually long semester breaks.

I know I have earned some 'very good names'. Too free. Hardworking. Not wanting to rest.

But here's the truth. The real truth. No embellishments.

I'm dead scared that my other option (the one in which I am allowed to be a couch potato and sleep the days off) will surely attribute to massive weight gain. And by the way, that is already happening even with my current schedule. And then by September, I will be a walking zombie, helplessly trying to overcome laziness. Only I, dear friend, comprehend my body clock.

And then there is the more important fear - I am too overwhelmed about Phase 2. I have never felt so incompetent. I don't know where this is stemming from. It's true that getting through exams alone is no guarantee that the next phase is going to be absolutely smooth. Believe me that it haunts me all too often.

And just for them with serious doubts if I am in fact having a life, I shall leave you with that which speaks a thousand words on my occasional breaks. I do have fun. You know, being able to rub shoulders with different groups of people is very much a blessing. Sometimes I wished it wouldn't end. Simply put, my clinical attachments have been equally exciting.

Harveen's 21st @ Palace of the Golden Horses (I must tell you that I was absolutely tempted to know where Schumacher had stayed)

Father's Day @ Sun Lee How Fook

Retreat with PC and the church peeps....

Damai Laut

Finally, our High School Pangkor Reunion

Goodbye, Michael....

2009-07-08T22:09:00.003+08:00

Will you be there? -pris' best song ever-

Everyone knows that my brothers are the bigger MJ fans in my family. It's funny how both of them did not find it strange to incorporate the name 'Jackson' in their email addressed with some minor variations. SO there, we individually admired him in different ways.

And it has been a shocking two weeks. The world around me hasn't stopped moving but I've joined the rest in mourning his passing.

And yesterday, I devoted the longest of my TV viewing sessions to view the entire live broadcast of the memorial service held for Michael Jackson.

Suddenly it felt like I knew him forever. Or at least felt a small fraction of his pain.

Two words. Thank you.

So what's New?

2009-06-08T12:52:00.015+08:00

So yesterday evening, my parents and I were glad to host my favourite pastor, PC and spouse Kel as well as the 1 AM Worship Team at our home in Ipoh for lunch. And we only had a little less than two hours with them but we were happy to learn about the new things that are coming up - in particular, the Change Your World Nationwide Tour that begins in August. I know this much - I have never regretted one bit being part of the ECF family. Because we are always on the move. Always in search for avenues to bring Christ to people in ways that are so profound, it just takes my breath away. Way to go people! Let's do this!

Do view the following videos, I have a little trouble embedding them here:

1. Change Your World Tour Teaser

2. 1AMFLuence

And the website:

Change Your Would Tour

http://www.1am.com.my/

See, You Did It!

2009-06-05T02:47:00.002+08:00

Kami, bersama-sama dengan warga ECF and kakitangan Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur (KLIA) mengalu-alukan ketibaan (insert relevant title) Trisha Wong, yang telah lulus cemerlang dan dianugerahkan ijazah sarjana dari United Kingdom.

*Congrats. Sorry, I couldn't afford a newspaper advert. I anticipate your return. Really can't wait. it's like you've been gone forever. Much to tell. Much to listen to. And so much to do. Come back. We will be waiting.

Anne Frank

2009-06-01T20:54:00.003+08:00

I did something no student should do when they are about to sit a major exam i.e. reading a book not pertaining to academics.

Oh well, the funny thing is I never found the idea a disturbing thought at all. I remember the Sunday after a meeting we had with a guest speaker in church, Joyce wanted to go to IOI MALL, Li shun wanted ice cream at Wendy's and I wanted to tag along.

And we ended up in a book fare. And voila, I purchased two important things:

1. A globe, complete with the capitals of all countries, even the smallest of nations. I fiddle with it every night before I sleep. It feels like it is a small world after all.

2. And more importantly, I bought a book most people my age may have completed while in high school - Anne Frank's Diary.

I just spoke to a good friend's mum while taking a leisure walk around the neighbourhood on the pretext of losing weight. And I ended up having the a lenghty conversation with her in which I reassured her that some of the greatest lessons in life are obtained from outside the textbooks. It comes from just living day to day.

Anne Frank led a remarkable life.

Yes I do know where I will stop by when I go to Amsterdam. The Anne Frank's museum.

But more than that, I have learnt from a girl who grew up faster than most other girls her age that it is alright to be different, in many, many ways.

That Pink Vista Condo...

2009-05-31T12:11:00.017+08:00

I took very little photographs of my apartment while I was at Taylor's, much to my regret. But I have plenty of memories captured of my favourite room at the Vista Condo I stayed.

And I singled out a few to be posted here...for no particular reason.

I CAN'T SPOT THE LAPTOP. AND THAT BOTHERS ME A GREAT DEAL.

A Taste of the Silver State

2009-05-27T11:03:00.003+08:00

They say practice makes perfect. So it has taken some rounds of tours here at my hometown with different groups of friends until I can fully be sure of what could be done.

So here is a fairly complete itinerary*in no particular order:
1. Ming Court Tim Sum
2. Foh San Tim Sum (so we can say we had a taste of both of the best)
3. Beef noodles in Buntong
4. Ice Kacang along Sam Tet Primary School
5. Ipoh Yong Tau Fu
6. Ipoh Tauge Chicken Rice
7. Nam Heong's White Coffee
8. And just opposite Nam Heong, a thicker variant of Ipoh white coffee at Sun Yuen
9. "Little India" area - shopping for jewelry/clothing
10. Eyebrow treading at Madhu's (The best!) - for girls only!
11. Banana Leaf at Sri Ananda Bahwan
12. Ikan Bakar behind Tesco, Ipoh
13. A stroll along the Polo Grounds (at night, just to experience the eerie feeling of a park surrounded by a cemetery) - and yes, an abandoned mansion just opposite that we can scrutinize because of its history and unusual sounds as dusk falls
14. the picturesque D.R. Park - Oh well, that's just to burn the kilos while waiting to pamper your taste buds with the next round of food
15. Some temples at the mountainous areas especially the Sam Poh Tong and the Hindu Temple opposite the D.R. Park (Well, it seems to be of particular fascination for some for whatever reason)
16. Kellie's Castle, Batu Gajah(an abandoned yet beautiful castle with dungeons built by a Scot in the early 20th centuary)
17.Gua Tempurung (this is a must I guess)
18. Japanese Gardens
19. The Ipoh Train Station - just to have a feel of a terribly ancient lift that has been in operation for a really long time, plus at night it can have an eerie feeling (pardon my thrill for these sensations)
20. The famous tree of democracy - that marked the meeting spot of Pakatan Rakyat leaders following an emergency state assembly meeting outside the Perak State Government Building, which also became a controversial spot in the months to come after the meet

Other places to drop by:
1. Greentown area - shopping, food and night life for the young
2. Ipoh Parade and Kinta City (to kill time?)
3. Kuala Kangsar Royal Town
5. The famous Limau Bali of Ipoh

5 Love Languages? Yea, Whatever!

2009-05-26T20:18:00.004+08:00

I was introduced to a session and book titled "The 5 Love Languages". And I must tell you, people loved it!

Apparently, love is communicated in the following language (from memory recall - apologies for any errors):

1. Words of encouragement
2. Gifts
3. Physical touch (as in affection shown with hugs etc.)
4. Acts of kindness /service
5. Quality time spent

I embrace this positively though I have my criticisms. I will get to that shortly. But to be fair, I do see that this has been 'formulated' to help people discover how to communicate 'love' effectively to another (based on the other's preference or personal liking).

I disagree in one way because perhaps the way I wished people would express their love to me didn't fit the bill. You may ask, do I then wish to be punched in the face to trully and deeply feel the love from another. Well, no! But I am just not inclined to think that it is confined to a minimum of 5 ways.

Secondly, an important aspect of communicating love is sincerity. I may perform an act of kindness but if I have not coupled it with sincerity (acknowledging that sincerity is rather abstract and difficult to quantify/judge), then I may not have communicated love in an appropriate way.

Here's mine. You see, the original title of this entry should have been "What Breaks My Heart". But then again, that may be overly sensationalized. More so if it is in red and bold.

I feel loved when I receive good communication. I don't mean speaking in a particular accent or avoiding gross grammatical errors. I mean...When I don't need to ask the same thing five times in five different ways to get a reply. I believe that most questions, simple and hard, should warrant a reply.

Hence I feel loved with the simplest of gestures like a text message reply and all forms of good courtesy. That's why, while I may have a lot of differences with a few, I still have high regards for them who have these basic courtesy.

I feel loved when I know that I am worth a simple reply. When I know that the communication is two-way and not one-way. When I know I am at least being heard, even if not really remembered. When I know that I am at least important enough to be acknowledged in a very simple yet insignificant way.

And I can be reasonable. I appreciate good communication to the point that even if there has been instances when someone neglects it out of sheer forgetfulness, I can overlook it. Because we all can distinguish habitual errors from occasional slips. No one is perfect right? Plus I'd like the same allowance be made towards me.

So it's not the big bouquet of flowers or the 'thank you' cards and expensive gifts that gets me. Oh wait, let me clarify, I willingly accept and feel loved by these. I do. It's just that a daily basis of courtesy and sincerity outweighs an occasional 'extravagant' affair. And more importantly, what use is it if I emphasize the former while neglecting the latter.

I do try to go out of my way to make another feel special. Well, I try though I have no scale to measure it. I do believe in the 5 love languages for many reasons. I'm just saying, above all, it's the heart that counts. The thoughts that matter. And the sincerity that wins it all. All these will inevitably spell out our willingness to love.

So loving is not just about being nice. That's why I go back to 1 Corinthians 13 to further remind myself of my inadequacies and imperfections in this matter.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

The Article...(More Photos and Entries on the Trip Down Memory Lane to Come)!

2009-05-20T21:19:00.007+08:00

And because I'm alone in my apartment tonight (as opposed to 10 friends yesterday), trying to understand x-rays and the essentials and calling every friend I wish to rant to or discuss matters....while also counting the hours before the curtains come down on the End-of-Semester 5 Professional Examination (that's what its called)...oh yes, and while I also make my dad drive down to pick me up because I am paranoid about the swine flu alert and also because I AM CLEARING 90% OF THE APARTMENT...

I decided I will just copy and paste my article that, thanks to the Convocation Magazine Team (that I regret not being part of because of my unwillingness to commit to major tasks this semester), will be published for the viewing pleasure of all my batchmates and will, somehow be immortalized!

So, here goes...

Fear, My Foe. Priscilla A/P Manymuthu (M0702200)

Have you ever had fears that are so real, you simply knew it was going to get you? Well, I did. And when Fear made its appearance (without an informed consent), I was always consumed with dread.

I feared unfamiliarity....In IMU, Fear visited me just in the first week. I was conned by a bunch of cunning seniors to sit a so-called Medical Aptitude Test. I never knew it was a hoax until the whole stint was over. Predictably, I could answer only one question (describe the function of the male genital organ), as the rest remained Greek to me. I’ve never spent so much time carefully wording my answer. I was determined to obtain the most marks I could from this particular question. You see, failing this would mean attending the remedial classes. And well, the heartache came at the end. My answer script was carefully singled out from the entire batch of freshies and read out aloud. For whatever reason, everyone seemed to be in stitches. There were loud applause and whistles. It was only short of a standing ovation. I was the only person who didn’t find any of it amusing.

Just that instant, in that exam hall, I feared returning the following week. I feared being remembered eternally because of my answer manuscript. Except it didn’t happen. It was just a weird start. Little did I know, I would see happier days ahead!

I feared failing....Fear was a frequent visitor, particularly during my first year. I feared missing the mark. As a matter of fact, everyone did. And frankly, everyone should.

I did get a rude shock when I failed my OSCE in Semester 3. It came without a warning. Or at least I believed a clinical examination would have been impossible to fail as opposed to a written exam. I wished countless times that it was a bad dream that I will wake up from. I endured a resit exam. And thankfully, it went fine. These days I have begun to love tutoring juniors for the same exam, sometimes I forget I once almost hated it. I often contemplate beginning an OSCE club. Kidding....

I feared unpleasant people....I am proud of my social circle and happy to note that I have many friends everywhere (most of whom have become an inseparable part of my life). But I feared the myth that often graced us upon enrolling in med school. I feared the unreasonable, overly competitive, terribly insecure and generally pathetic medical students.

But it was only a matter of time before I was proved wrong. Fear left when I met some of the most pleasant people. It wasn’t merely the birthday surprises from friends, or the outings with seniors or the ‘thank you’ cards from juniors that touched me the most. It was merely the beauty of rubbing shoulders with a diverse group of people, of different beliefs, principles, personalities and even nationality.

I vowed that I will never allow Fear to deceive me on the negatives of meeting, loving, working and persevering with absolutely new people. At all costs.

I fear farewells.... I don’t even know where I should start if I were asked to travel down memory lane and dictate it all. Lectures, PBLs, CSU, Orientation, IMU Cup, Life Group, Cell Group, Exams, Presentations, Camps, Trips to my Family Home with Friends...The pictures have immortalised some of the days. Still, every single day was a memory. Fear always gets the better of me when it comes to parting of ways. Then again, I cannot deny the inevitable...

Definitely, Maybe

2009-05-02T11:12:00.004+08:00

Note for Li Shun: I searched your archives to re-read your entry on it. And you must know that we both live at two ends of the globe. It's official. I mean, how could it be predictable? It wasn't. Unless of course, I am slow to figure these out. I'm not the the 'solve the riddle' kind of person. And anyway, they didn't actually settle their differences. It was an unpredictable twist in the plot. For me, at least.

****

Dakota Fanning. Abigail Breslin. Two of the child actors I have envied. I mean, come on. I couldn't even be a flower girl when I was young. And they get to play the daughter/daughter-like roles with a variety of cool dads.

Let's see.

War of the Worlds. Man on Fire. Hide and Seek. Signs. Definitely, Maybe.

****

I know it's Mother's Day coming sooner than Father's Day. But I must say that we all need to get more hyped up about the latter.

And as in the movie, we, the children, are in fact the happy endings.

Plus, another quote from the movie - "I want the real deal". I guess that's the part some of us take forever to get.

****

And so it is. I officially enter a two-week period of study break before I sit the finals of Phase 1.

After which, I go home. To some peace and quiet.

Quite My Sentiments!

2009-04-26T19:10:00.011+08:00

Read: The Star, 19 April 2009, Stupidity in Numbers by A.Asohan

Now this columnist has become increasingly popular by my ranks.

****

I wished I had a more varied social circle. Honestly, it is a refreshing thought to rub shoulders with other people.

Don't get me wrong. I am in the company of some of the nicest and kindest soles. (Though these days I am not inclined to use the word 'nice' as I find it too ambiguous. I often go, 'define nice').

It's not the cool and elite group that I desire so much to move with. So I can attend fancy parties and events and at least educate myself on fashion disasters (which is apparently one of the crimes I commit).

But sometimes I think my social circle also confines me to a little space that only gets me thinking of the near future.

Like passing exams, specializations, maybe shopping and what's new in another person's life.

Well, that is tolerable.

This is the less comfortable part. Plain ignorance of other happenings.

I believe it was a week or so ago when I jumped at the chance of paying for a yearly subscription of the TIME magazine, in which I get a reduction from RM 9 a copy to RM 3.50 a copy (for 54 issues of the magazine). I was more than grateful that these student and lecturer rates reached my institution. But apparently the response was not that fantastic. And mind you, there were a variety of other magazines; Newsweek, Reader's Digest, National Geographic etc.

Ah never mind. It is an individual preference. And maybe people are not keen on one-off payments that can be a bit overwhelming.

Take this. Ignorance about local politics. Fine, it can be a little taxing to keep up especially when it isn't all sugar and honey to read.

But this just gets even better. Not being able to know where two different states are in the Peninsular. This is more than a shock.

And well, my next category of disappointments include people who are so full of themselves. This is self-explanatory. And maybe too tedious to explain.

And finally, people who are too distant. Every emotion is to be suppressed. Every thought is kept under lock and key. Occasional silence should not be questioned. Cares and encouragement should be kept to yourself and not extended unless it has been personally requested (which is almost never). Unnecessary speculations are just redundant because really, you can't read my mind (even if we actually can). Conversations that are too intimate and personal should be kept for your own thinking pleasures before you sleep, because there are other things to be discussed like...(never mind). And please don't ask for opinions, cause really, I don't have one. And even if I do, it's not meant for your ears (oh wait, that doesn't make it an opinion, does it?). And I have plenty to talk about and share, but I just seem to have better things to do in life.

Blame the culture. Creatures of instinct, maybe. Creatures of habit, definitely. We just don't talk.

Because there is no need for pity (but whoever said it is about pitying you). And because you care too much about what people will think of you (which is pitiful).

Who knows? Maybe its even unimaginably cool to be known as quiet people with minimal thoughts and a private life. Maybe it is.

Oh well, keep your lives to yourself.

As for me, I extract some thoughts from the columnist. I am me. I am not you. I may desire that you be a bit different, but I will never impose it on you. Hence, it ain't an expectation. Likewise, I cannot be what you want me to be.

And yes, some groups (some only) make me an ill-fit at times.

....A Tribute to You

2009-04-26T02:08:00.005+08:00

I returned to my family home to sit the MUET (Malaysian University English Test) for a day. I travelled right after sitting a mock exam, OSCE (Clinical Examination). I'm probably the only one in my batch who has procrastinated MUET for slightly over four years, no?

I re-read my rants on the mock OSCE two semesters ago, posted on this very same site. And I am stunned at how much things have changed for the better. I almost can't remember hating this exam.

Well, that aside, it was physically and mentally draining to get back home, sleep for two hours or so, do work, sit the exam and then sleep another two hours and head straight back to KL. It felt alone. And utterly tiresome. Despite the company of loved ones.

But you, Oh Lord, are faithful.

But You Oh Lord, are merciful. So merciful.

But why? Why so much grace? Why this abundant love? Does enough ever exist in Your vocabulary? Doesn't hurt and anger fill Your mind with my endless shortcomings, as I consistently do with others?

Why this protection? Why this presence? Why, oh why, these undeserved favours? Why not let go? Just once so I can wallow in guilt and pain and feel good about paying my sentence.

Do You not know that I am bound to disappoint You again? And I don't want to....

I love You. I do.

Sustain Me in Thy strength. And bring me home. I just want to go home. And be thankful that I am alive and well. And have breakfast with my parents. And brother.

And forget that I have been a great disappointment.

Though I may shed a tear or two because of some disappointing friends around me, I will never comprehend disappointment at its fullest.

And may You also extend the same grace unto them. For You know the best for them, and for me.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him. Psalm 103:11

My (and Your) Meager Givings...

2009-04-18T14:02:00.010+08:00

Now this is an unusual entry to break a hiatus. But I'm so stuffed from my lunch and past lonely 18 hours at home. I feel like I am enduring a house arrest a tad too long. I dreamt that my housemates were back. That's how much I long for their return...

****

Whatever did they say about being 'penny wise and pound foolish?' Well, my mum says this quite a fair bit. So we all get ear sores from it.

My devotional today was surprisingly on 'giving'. This is perhaps the most debated and maybe even somewhat a controversial topic among Christians and the rest of human folk.

Well, I need not explain much on my financial stands. Yes, I have a fairly good life. My parents have been gracious. We only have God to thank for the increase in providence this season amidst a global economic crisis. Prove is, I actually get to go for a 'fancy holiday' this year to a 'fancy place'. More of which I shall share on a separate occasion. If I want to...

But I know I am not extravagant. Neither do I subscribe to frugal living.

I just cannot accept this. I cannot digest the fact that people rationalize their expenditure when it comes to spending on others.

Suddenly a usual trail of thoughts come to mind: Is this necessary? Is this too big a sum? Do I actually need to give this amount just because it is a wedding? Am I not only a student? Is this not too imposing? Hey, this is not fair to ask is it? Excuse me, is that a request?

This is the totally amusing part. Yes, I choose to describe it as amusing rather than ironical.

1. It's alright to spend a hefty sum on wardrobes and personal accessories.
2. It's alright to drive all the way to ioi mall (or whatever mall) to pamper my taste buds with ice cream (that's in reference to me). Oh wait, these days even ice creams can cost more or at least RM 10, tax included.
3. It's alright to attend parties and concerts and all other events that happen 'once in a blue moon.' I mean, they don't happen on regular weekends do they? Plus I'm into this 'kind of stuff'.
4. It's alright to go food hopping all over the place cause the exams are over.
5. It's alright to indulge in sales and low rates at the fairs because....it isn't the 'sales period' every day.
6. It's alright to immerse myself in all other indulgences, selfish or not, because it's my life, my health, my body...and...my parents' business.

Your meager giving can be counted for nothing at times. It's pathetic that we start getting a little wiser on spending when it comes to blessing another sole, or extending a kind thought or fogging out some money to make another feel happy.

No I am not the kindest saint in the world. And I can be annoyingly stubborn. And selfish in my own ways.

But I do reply calls. I try to read and reply emails. I am generous with my text messages. And I definitely wouldn't think that respecting or honoring a person stops at being nice to them and smiling and exchanging the usual greetings.

I think relationships thrive on love. Love has no boundaries.

And well, people are important.

Some things are just not measured in dollars and cents.

If only we spent a fraction of our time thinking of how much another has laboured for us in great pain, the meager amount we give would not seem unusually high for a wedding. Or birthday. Or whatever.

"Where is My Fairy Tale Life?"

2009-04-01T00:08:00.007+08:00

"Where is my fairy tale life?"
Jason Lee, Prom-King Nominee of the IMU Ball '09

Everybody knows that I have anticipated the movie version since forever (after completing all 5 books in my teens). I put it up on my sidebar last year and then took it off, assuming I got too ahead of myself.

When I was in Singapore last year, Christina and I reminisced the days I spent re-reading one of the Shopaholic books in college (while Hui Ann managed a laugh). I was caught in broad day light, reading selected pages and smiling to myself.

And well, the movie was a good treat. I vowed I will abstain from all forms of entertainment for the next few weeks. I denied my favourite, movie-crazy girlfriends (Mian Li and Diana) the pleasure of accompanying them to watch the much anticipated movie. Oh, well, I did have a class.

And then Joyce asked again, and I took it as a sign.

Becky Bloomwood, the famed character of the Shopaholic series is definitely captured in the best way a movie could in an hour and a half. Though I do hold some resentments for the differences in the plot and well....the shift of the set from England to New York (throughout). Still, I couldn't really ask for more, could I?

But Luke Brandon was depicted all too well. He is perhaps one of the only fictional characters who lived up to general expectations. Sheesh!!!

And well, I am over the moon.

You see, I don't shop like Becky. I don't even have a wardrobe collection. I just have an IKEA closet with ample of space. And I was graciously granted one of those magic cards (a.k.a. credit cards) which I have somehow found means and ways to spend, citing necessities/essentials.

But Becky and I share the exact sentiments of unfathomable craziness, though on different matters.

****

And well, I need to go. I have the midnight oil to burn. And a day off to kill with meaningful pursuits.

But I must tell you that I have an urgent desire to go to England.

Oh, I must. This year. Must? Well, I should. I could. I want to. I shall.

Till then, here's announcing a fairly long hiatus for a lengthy period of plain studying. I chose this career path and I have to finish this semester well before I cruise away for a three-month vacation. In which I desire so much to....

P.S.The IMU Ball photographs will be graciously tagged by many peers on Facebook. That aside, I have nothing much going on.

As for politics, I shall let whatever should happen take its course. Wait. Look. And see. After which, maybe (maybe only), I may contemplate some comments and formulate some opinions.

Till then,
Bye!

P.P.S. My fairy tale week(s) may come sooner than expected???!!

That Boy I Saw Yesterday....

2009-03-29T16:46:00.007+08:00

I have much to update on. So much has happened. I have a new toy I fiddle with every day. Plus, I have had a thoroughly eventful week. And my body has been sleep-deprived. I rated my stress level as high when I was asked to fill a data form on my skin profile today. And I've been thinking about a whole load of stuff. More of which I shall share if I feel up to it or am able to organize my thoughts. But I absolutely cannot resist this subject.

I was only thirteen when I first saw him racing in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Of course he wasn't the man I was hoping would take the chequered flag. The man I hoped would win did win. And I remember so clearly that the man who did win drew a heart in the air and totally captivated me. I knew this was the one event that will leave me spell-bound and would receive my undivided attention for a fairly long time. That day was a day in March. And according to our time zone, it was early in the morning.

Only yesterday did I see this guy make his debut in Formula One racing. And I remember telling myself that some day he will be more than what he was then.

And he changed teams. He left Williams BMW for Benetton. He has the lover boy status. And he is one of the few drivers who speaks so well, I don't have to strain to listen and make out the accent. Well, he is Brit.

Of course I was never a Button fan like many girls. But I remember that it was not so long ago when I told myself that this guy will be on top.

But I didn't believe it much. He was fairly inconsistent. Blame the car, eh? Plus I always prayed he'd move away to allow Schumacher to pass. One important incident was when his car engine blew up just before the finish line, moving Schumacher to the third place.

It feels like yesterday. When I was totally in control of my life. When I had an envious face at home because I had no pimples and pigmentation. When all I did was mug the books, love my friends, anticipate a racing weekend or a football match and go to church.

You know what. It was yesterday!

And that boy yesterday won today. The thrill Formula One has brought into my life still has its remnants in my life.

I guess it will not go away.

Created

2009-03-20T13:51:00.005+08:00

In an Austrian newspaper, the translation of the headlines actually read, "The Monster Shows His Face".

I have been following a series on creations and the controversial yet widely accepted theory of evolution on Saturdays in church.

And regardless of whether we care about these details, it will not surprise any of us that humans who are in fact the highest form of all creations actually have emotions.

Only we can cry our eyes out at the brink of a sour relationship. Only we will bother to arise at dawn to anticipate sunrise and gaze at its magnificence for as long as we want. Only we can appreciate beauty. Only we can laugh at happy memories. Only we can feel the pain of guilt.

And I think it is safe to say that only we have conscience, though it can eventually become dead. And at least a fair discerment between good and bad, right and wrong or to the very least what is acceptable and what isn't.

Even Josef Fritzl who initially defended his actions and at some point actually claimed that if he hadn't brought his daughter (or granddaughter) to the hospital, she would have succumbed to death. In his own way, he tried to vindicate his deeds.

And then eventually, he pleaded guilty. And his shrink says that he is emotionally stunted.

Truth is, there is plenty I wish to blog about. But why not this...

The big bang theory points that we exist out of a perfectly random process. And then of course all those church-goers remain adamant on the existence of God and that there is a divine purpose for our presence here.

If I were here by chance, then well, I wouldn't feel bad about murder or rape. Nothing would matter. In fact, I wouldn't even see the need to be moved with compassion. A charitable heart might be unheard of. I'd probably fear death because I would have no idea where that would take me but I wouldn't think too much about it. Maybe I'd be reincarnated, who is to tell? I would be my own god, free from all forms of accountability.

And then why is it that at various points of our lives, we experience an immense feeling of weakness? Even when we know what's the right thing to do. Even when we know where we're heading. Even when we're in control. The uncertainties are overwhelming. Do we not find our hearts deceitful? Especially when today we're absolutely sure about telling someone till death do us apart and then sometime later we decide it is time to move on. And why do we feel that everything is just beyond us...We're not so smart, are we?

I cannot wait to present my defence on creation next week to some friends (who also share the same beliefs). I hope at least we would make some sense to these overly educated people. And let them know that science was never against God. Science exists because of God. But Science ain't God.

Some Things Just Don't Change....

2009-03-09T23:20:00.005+08:00

I have spent the weekend internalizing matters that have caused unnecessary uproar among Malaysians.

Yea, I have joined those who question the reason to celebrate the eight of March (other than it being the International Women's Day).

A demonstration was staged to protest the use of English for the teaching of Science and Mathematics, years after its implementation. After so much money has been channeled into writing of books, training and so forth. And all this because the use of the national language is supposedly threatened. While this is arguable, as personally I still switch to the national language when I intend to speak to people from different walks of life, I still don't think it is reason enough for the proposed reversal.

Interesting reads - Rocky Bru's blog (citation for a blog entry of a nine-year-old Malay boy who opposes the proposed reversal of language) and today's The Star - medical student relates his plight on coping with the transition and the bane of the proposed reversal.

On the surface, despite all the not-so-pleasant news that greets me nearly every day (from thefts to abuse of power to political struggles), I have come to note that things aren't that bad. Last week, during our clinic posting, I met the loveliest of urban folk, with differences in ethnicity, socioeconomic background and education (and we know because we chatted them up for our research project).

And my exact sentiment for the past week is: We still have hope.

I followed the live telecast of the Birmingham All-England Badminton Championship.

We had some old scores to settle with China's gold medalist, Lin Dan. It didn't happen.

Still it was the atmosphere in Birmingham, within the confines of the indoor stadium, that reminded me of this hope I mentioned.

Malaysians definitely outnumbered the Chinese nationals - or at least our screams were louder. Our player is Chinese and his coach, Malay. And my screaming brother and I are Indians. Talk about variety. Diversity. Whatever.

It was beautiful to watch. Entertaining somewhat though everyone bit their tongue hoping that our golden boy will deliver.

This hope is a promising thought worth dwelling on.

There are some things that cannot change. I believe that there is hope. There has to be!

I WILL Redeem Time....I Promise.

2009-03-04T01:20:00.006+08:00

We have been so busy already with the health issue week, with some field work and research to be done. And quite predictably, if you're going to work in a big group, you're bound to get frustrated with the indifference, lack of interest and minimal participation by some (just some) of your peers. And it is disappointing.

But in it all, I have been busy doing lots of thinking. I wish thinking could substitute physical exercise so as to account for shedding of the kilos, because perhaps then, I would be as trim as Angelina Jolie.

So much has happened in the past week. It doesn't necessarily involve my life. But since no man is an island (and well, for me, some friends are so special they become an inseparable part of your life), I have dived into deep thought (not deep sorrow or deep pain) on my own life.

And then, today, I made a pledge.

For a brief moment I chose to forget about usual concerns. I did call my mum to check on live happenings in my hometown (what with the 'illegal assembly' held 200 metres away from the state government building). I mean, there is a crisis everywhere. Going beyond Malaysia, a Singaporean lecturer was stabbed in NTU. Then there's the global economic crisis. And there has been two important ongoing trials on crimes against humanity that have greatly aroused my interest; in Sierra Lonne and Cambodia...

I pledge to redeem time.

I already know the little things I can start doing.

I want to sail through this narrow path and look back and say that I have left no stone unturned.

Even if I may get sick and tired of it. Even if I may lose interest. Even if I may not care for a little while.

I don't know how people can preach or live like a dying person or as if there were no tomorrow. I have no clue how long will it take me to get there.

I just know that I do not want my insecurities to eat me up. I do not want to listen to too many voices. And I absolutely do not want my world to merely revolve around my own life.

Oh Father, help me.

"But as wise, redeeming the time..." Ephesians 5:16

Your Life...

2009-02-28T01:09:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, it's the lives of those closest to you that can actually make you see your own life in a different light.

I hate to admit it but I have taken too many things for granted.

The luxuries I get, courtesy of my parents. The opportunities I have, graciously endowed by gracious people. The chances I receive, abundantly given from God.

Dear Friend,

I hope you're reading this. I know you will. I just want you to know that it is your life that has made me a better person. You're a story, already being written, only waiting to be told. And one day, some day, you will.

Love,

Pris

Rights

2009-02-24T21:10:00.005+08:00

"I think it is a good time for those who voted for the ban against gay marriage to sit and reflect, and anticipate their great shame, and the shame in their grandchildren's eyes if they continue that way of support. We've got to have equal rights for everyone."

-Actor Sean Penn's acceptance speech after receiving his second Oscar Award for portraying a slain gay right activist in Milk-

It's interesting to note that movies on homosexuality have gone beyond hitting the box office. They actually make some of the best sweeps when it comes to awards.

****

A Clinical Skills lecturer had told us last year, during a hospital posting that when we ask a patient about their sexual history, we (in Malaysia) now adopt a fairer and less discriminating approach:

In which, we don't actually ask, "Tell us about your wife/husband?"

We ask, "How many sexual partners do you have?", and following that we prompt further so that the patient may indicate his/her sexual orientation.

Fair enough. I mean, doctors aren't being consulted for their expertise or personal stands on homosexuality, are they? They are, as another lecturer reminded us, merely treating patients with respect, hoping to gain their trust, promising confidentiality and most importantly, refraining from making any moral judgement.

Should I be relieved?

****

And is it me, or is there a growing discrimination towards religious views? For instance, in the movie Chuck and Larry, it was made clear that the protesters were Christians.

But then again, the truth is, it is the Christians who have lead many protests, with the banners reading, "God Abhors You".

****

Actors know they are highly influential. They know, with all the publicity they receive, they are being heard in every corner.

And they might very well win too. It's just a matter of time.

It's all about rights isn't it?

A person's sexual orientation is his/her fundamental human right. And so they say.

I know I'm living at times where many things can get passed as a human right. Or a constitutional right even.

It's just that, as much as it tears some people apart to note the discrimations against homosexuals, it tears me apart to think that those who do not condone homosexuality have not communicated their thoughts well enough, often coming across as unreasonable and self-righteous freaks.

Because the way things are at the moment, they (gay rights activists) seem to have fought their argument well. They have gained all empathy. They have all ears. And support.

****

I reckon bisexuality is not a separate matter entirely. So I am supposed to be okay if my spouse tells me, "You know, I am also attracted to this guy at work as well."

I mean, it's a human right isn't it? What made homosexuality right and bisexuality wrong?

To which I am probably supposed to reply, "Oh well, suit yourself. Anything that pleases you."

Lord. Father. Help us all.

Eight for India.....Cheers!

2009-02-23T17:56:00.005+08:00

So as the world zoomed in on the Academy Awards, there was a sad girl who missed the red carpet standouts and eventually only caught the highlights from the Internet.

So here we go....

Motion Picture: "Slumdog Millionaire

Director: Danny Boyle, "Slumdog Millionaire

Adapted Screenplay: Simon Beaufoy, "Slumdog Millionaire."

Cinematography: "Slumdog Millionaire

Sound Mixing: "Slumdog Millionaire."

Original Score: "Slumdog Millionaire," A.R. Rahman

Original Song: "Jai Ho" from "Slumdog Millionaire," A.R. Rahman and Gulzar

Film Editing: "Slumdog Millionaire

****

From the slums of Mumbai to international fame and glory....

The trivia about the movie alone took me by great surprise; leading actor Dev Patal is younger than the youngest in my family, his co-star is six years senior to him, the child actors were singled out by the director from the slums of India and eventually flew in to the States for a glitzy ceremony with 10 Oscar nominations...

What else could India ask for?

I can imagine presenting an Oscar myself, declaring, "Ladies and gentlemen, Indian film industry is the largest film industry in the world...with some of the best talents in music, cinematography, dance and acting..."

India still needs a breakthrough in the arena of Sports (in particular, the Olympics). But the film industry has been widely penetrated, churning some very good work of art...

And the people of India did find the movie controversial. Protests were made as extensive highlights on the slums of India gained instant publicity.

But it is sometimes these truth that remind us of the possibilities of a better future, the need for intervention by various quarters, the struggle of the people and the ray of hope at the end of the tunnel....

I read with great pride of the swoops this movie has made. A.R. Rahman has proved to be an immovable star, always displaying the best of India.

This is noteworthy, he had spoken in his native language, Tamil, much to the delight of many, many Indians.

And this is a timely happening, more so following a lengthy discussion I had with my housemate one of the days before in my room, on a cozy and lazy night:

The Indians (of this country, and of this present age and time) are losing their identity. Ours is a dying culture in need of revival. And we have, with the course of time, forgotten what it is like to be united.

And you know, amidst my continuous struggle to embrace the concept of Bangsa Malaysia(as with my fellow Malaysians), ethic pride does have its stronghold worldwide. These are the many times I am proud of the racial identity. Especially when you still come across articles or blog entries that label you as "kaum pendatang".

Let's Cast the Stones, Shall We?

2009-02-19T21:45:00.013+08:00

All week, we have heard much about Elizabeth Wong. A lady. A politician. And one who has been working her guts out since she took office early last year.

****

Once, many, many years ago, there was a woman. She had committed adultery. In traditional Jewish custom, it was lawful to stone the woman to death. Interestingly, the man who was her apparent partner in crime was not even mentioned.

So this woman, believed to be nabbed straight from the scene of this despicable act, was brought before a crowd (many believe she was probably just clad with a blanket, whisked away by a few self-righteous men).

They asked a Man, wanting to know His judgement on the matter, so they may test Him on His actions.

To which He replied, "He who has not sinned, let him cast the first stone."

Everyone was dumbfounded.

Slowly the crowd dispersed.

None stood around. No one protested. They left.

****

In the book, A Thousand Splendid Suns, the highly acclaimed male author, Khaled Hosseini, had captured the plight of women magnificently.

An extract from this best-selling novel:

Nana said, "Learn this now and learn it well, my daughter: Like a compass needle that points north, a man's accusing finger always finds a woman. Always. You remember that, Mariam."

****
It's funny how we are oblivious to the true human nature.

Hypocrisy and self-righteousness aren't new findings. They have allowed man (both men and women) to feel good about ourselves, to masks our inadequacies and hidden faults and project it on others.

We're so quick to dictate what is socially and morally acceptable.

And while we reserve the right to have our personal stands and moral judgement, who gave us the right to humiliate someone in such a manner?

This was not an admonishment. This was far from anything justifiable. It didn't even sound like a sick joke. It was merely an act of humiliation with the intention of bringing the other down.

And besides, if we hadn't noticed, various scandals have took this nation by surprise.

Still, somehow, somewhere, even with all the shame and pain, they have stood the test of time. Apologies. Denials. Sworn statements. Whatever.

The difference was, they were men.

That Makes Us People....

2009-02-15T20:09:00.005+08:00

Some hurts are inexpressible.

They hurt so bad that sometimes you wonder how can people simply know where to hit you where it would hurt the most? Like seriously the most....

Why couldn't they have chosen a softer spot? Where it would have still hurt but it wouldn't be as bad? It'll just be a bruise. Or a passing cloud.

Not something that will wreck your spirit. Wreck your confidence. And leave you with a broken heart.

Why such insensitivity? Why such prejudice? Why invoke such pain?

What made us assume the other was very much resilient.

But then again, I would personally desire to be hurt again and again if it reminds me... if it reminds me....

Of the flawed demands of mere people.

And how difficult it is to love people.

Valentine's....

2009-02-12T20:52:00.007+08:00

We have a community medicine lecturer who totally amuses us. She may be somewhat aware that community medicine isn't exactly the subject most medical students fret about. Sometimes I think we take it too lightly. And sometimes, I do enjoy it to the point that I even consider majoring in public health.

Anyway, this doctor has a common tag line. When she comes to an important point/lecture slide during her sessions, she will say:

If you are sleeping, wake up and give five stars to this (so as to indicate its importance, subtlely putting it to us that it is an examinable question).

I stubbornly postponed my dental appointment just to hang out with Mian li, Diana Seah, Qian Hui and Jocelyn Chen. I was dying to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. So we took the liberty of whisking off to Mid Valley this afternoon.

The three hour movie was captivating. Most part of the film centered around the old looking Benjamin (played magnificently by Brad Pitt). He looked like this:

And then suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed like my community medicine lecturer had come into the picture. Because the young guy is introduced.

If you are sleeping, wake up and give five stars to this.

And we gave him six stars. Some screams (not me!). And did someone actually contemplate a standing ovation?

Brad Pitt aside, the theme was profound, was it not?

Well the part when the Captain said we eventually needed to let go. The part on rejection. The part on beauty.

And in the evening, Joyce and I jointly co-hosted the Valentine's Day event for the juniors. It was a good turn out. A great discussion on the myths of relationships, drawing the line in relationships and so forth.

We had fun.

And now I need to get back to my lecture notes. And pack for the weekend.

Happy Valentine's.

If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

1 Corinthians 13:1

I've a Date this Weekend. Do you?

2009-02-11T14:32:00.005+08:00

So I'm sticking to my word, as I have mentioned in my previous blog entry.

In fact, if you've grabbed a copy of today's newspaper (which you can also check online actually), right on the front page, you can spot a title that reads Let Love Grow on Valentine's Day.

I am making a trip back home this weekend.

One, because I obliged when my friend asked if I could teach her (and her younger brother) to commute using public transport. I've yet to hear a more genuine and humble request in the past week. Haha.

Two, I just want to go home. Especially since my parents will need to head to the airport twice on Sunday, I get to be driven back here.

Three, I want to see my siblings. In particular, my older brother whom I will not see again till 2010 or even later. He leaves again.

But most importantly, it's because it's Valentine's. And I'm going to celebrate with the four most important people in my life.

Yea, so I read the Book. A Thousand Splendid Suns.

I cannot tell you how much it tore me up yesterday night. The brutality. The fear. The injustice.

And I cannot tell you how much I learn of love each day. Each new day.

So quit asking me if there's anyone special this weekend? I mean, I like the humour.

But the answer is obvious. I've got a great family I want to return to. Even if it's just slightly more than a day.

Tariq. Laila. Mariam. Rasheed. Jalil. No judgements passed, but Tariq was a good man, no?

One for the Afghan Women...

2009-02-10T11:20:00.009+08:00

Forget the chaotic Silver State (with regards to my previous blog entry on the political happenings in my state of birth). And hats off to Li Shun who sits an exam this week and still remains vigilant on the happenings....(as opposed to the indifferent students of ...)

It's Valentine's this weekend. I want to commemorate this hectic, strained and yet less disastrous week with the theme of love....

So lo and behold, this is the man....

Is there a nomination for Man of the Year Award? I know he was in Time's Most Influential People in the past.

And his second novel, following the international best seller, The Kite Runner:

More than the surprise I received from the content of the anatomy lecture I had today that totally sent me into the don't-you-back-out-of-medical-school-now mode....

I am pleasantly surprised by men. And no, I'm not the ultra-feminist who would prance at every subject demeaning women. I am just a young person, born into the loveliest marital home I can ever imagine. And being the fairer sex, I have not been at any point treated differently from my brothers.

And on being surprised by men, or at least Khaled Hosseini, I'm still wondering how could a man dive into the live of a woman in this manner and capture it at its best?

On Afghan women. He wrote what I would describe as a personally inspiring novel.

An eye-opener.

Not the kind that will cause you to shed some tears as you flip the pages and then just shove it back into the shelf. And then perhaps pat your back for knowing some historic upheavals.

I see beauty at its fullest when we, being mere creations do not count ourselves more superior than the other by virtue of gender or race or education (or anything else) but pride ourselves in giving honour to each other.

I want to meet this man. And shake his hand.

Silver State Turns Chaotic....

2009-02-08T19:41:00.005+08:00

Sebagai seorang rakyat Malaysia, lebih-lebih lagi sebagai seorang yang berasal dari negeri Perak (salah satunya kebanggaan saya), saya terkilan mengikut perkembangan politik di sana.

****

There's always two sides to the story. Though I have remained silent on many political developments within the country for a good lapse of time, I have always eagerly read the updates.

And while there are many who accuse the mainstream newspapers to be biased in their reporting, I have considered it wise to read from other sources as well. And while bloggers have been endlessly condemned (particularly in Malaysia), I must tell you that it is through the blogsphere that you usually furnish yourself with details on most of the sides. Not just one side.

I must say that the protesting crowd, particularly the crowd that turned up to sign the petition against the Independent candidate (sighting betrayal and disloyalty) were multi-racial. While it may not surprise many people, it still surprises me. Because I dream of a nation where we can have one another's backs, shoving the racial identity away.

For that, I must say I am impressed.

But no, I am not the least thrilled with the manner of protest. Particularly the way the Sultan of Perak was mocked. Despicable indeed. And I couldn't help notice that the leaders (not the people) were blamed. Of course, the leaders usually get the brunt of all forms of defeat and unbecoming ways. Sigh.

And then there was that phrase I caught, somewhere in the midst of all that reading: The Death of Democracy.

It is notable that the former (and 11-month-old) government lost their majority.

And hence, the new government was formed.

I don't intend to debate this. But I guess, the people's main frustration was that the independent candidates were allowed to choose on the people's behalf whom they intended to give their support to. The people felt they didn't get a chance to fairly decide their government.

I guess the root of the matter is if it alright to allow crossovers.

Without singling out this case, I honestly believe that crossovers should not be allowed. At all costs. Then all parties will know that they had done themselves and the people a great favour of making possible a good night's rest. I mean, whatever happened to 'the government should fear the people'. I guess we have pranced on the wrong matter entirely, choosing to tackle the problem incorrectly.

Then, even if a party (favourable or not) wins a by-election, they at least can harp on the word 'majority'.

So we cannot fuss much at this juncture. All that jeering and mockery (especially at the Sultan of Perak) won't solve the problem at all.

Political tactics or not, it seems that there are many disappointed folks. Now everyone will know how some others felt when the MPs they voted for conveniently left their parties in a lurch.

Can we just trust one man's discretion and count it as unanimous? Are we not the voice of their conscience? And more than that, are they not responsible and heavily accountable towards them who gave them the right and privilige of being their representive?

We Had Fun...

2009-02-05T11:40:00.003+08:00

Amy, Edwina and I....

Just this week, two of our juniors excitedly informed us that they'd be Orientation Officers. And how much they want us to be in their team....

I love winning. It's funny how I've lost out at times. But I absolutely love winning.

I assumed last semester, when I was thanked profusely for being an Orientation Officer, that it was plainly customary...

All those cards, the cake, the acknowledgement....were like obligatory. Mandatory perhaps.

But I was wrong.

People do remember.

Sometimes we find ourselves asking why do we even bother....

We bother because it matters a great deal to another.

So I sent them a text message that read:
Hey guys. Thanks for the invitation to be an O.O. It was a pleasure having you guys last semester.But we're in Semester 5 and time is against us. We hope we have set the precedence and hope even more that you'll follow suit. Remember the tricks. And the only rule i.e. TO HAVE FUN.

Truth is I want to be part of orientation. At least as a Station Master. But I had fun as a freshie and subsequently as an O.O. and S.M., three semesters consecutively, as with most of my peers.

It's true when they told us....you only get to be a junior once!

Sigh. This is nostalgic. And I have an unusual feeling that time is ticking very quickly. And I will be leaving, almost as soon as I have arrived.

Surprises.

2009-02-04T00:07:00.007+08:00

Today was one of the longest times I had waited to hail a cab to get to a place I frequent almost every regular week.

After the long wait,I had an unusual fear. Not the kind of fear prior to an exam. Or before surgery. Or of being robbed. All of which I have experienced at different times.

This fear was unique, acting as if it were a premonition. The kind that catches you off guard.

And then I found a cab. And a cabby who kept the meter running when he stopped to fuel the car, had no sense of urgency for my appointment (I was already way past being late) and who also had the cheek to take a little tip with an unreasonable fare. He made no apologies.

But I didn't care. He could have my whole wallet and the cash and the credit card if he wanted. He could have my phone too. I didn't erupt like a volcano. I didn't even think of giving him a piece of my mind. I let it be. I kept my cool.

Because I had a call. An unusually important call.

I listened to someone slightly older than me, one intellectually more competent and well... I am the weaker/fairer sex. I listened to confessions (I really wonder how Catholic priests do it). Pain. Remorse. Guilt. Emotional pain. Grief. Misguided choices. Crossing of lines. Erased boundaries. And more guilt. One of those killer recipes.

I arrive. I end the call.

And then I hear, about a believing friend. Pertaining to God. Faith. Some unanswered questions. And the reality of God. This isn't the first time I hear of these. It was just a wrong day.

***

It is as if the author of The God Delusion, Richard Dawkins had personally mailed me a note which read, "So, what now?"

I am too young to worry about things that don't concern me. That's the truth. I am also too young to grasp even a small fraction of the journey people take in their lives. That's the greater truth.

But I can say that everyone is weak. Not just those who boast of having a religion.

And if we actually believe otherwise, we live in pretense. Or we have successfully embraced some form of deception.

We're all weak. We all have moments of desperation. And guilt.

The Past. And the Present.

2009-02-02T22:26:00.008+08:00

I am back! And I am here to stay till...Easter?

I already have so much to do. Organize CSU sessions. Meet up with friends. Settle the utility bills. Send my brother off. Remove my braces. Church activities (which reminds me that I need to attend something tomorrow - can't remember what exactly). There's a wedding lined up somewhere (I might have been removed from the guest list since I've not given a reply). Some birthdays I need to organize. A trip in between to secure a house for my Clinical Phase. And Easter. Then there's the ball (I serisouly don't care, I could have gone last year though).

More than anything, I have a sudden affinity to stay in this cocoon. And mind you, my room is pretty comfy and my apartment is fine.

For the next few months, till I officially finish Phase 1 of Medical School, I dream of the life I have often criticized; the life in which the world revolves around me. Just me. No people buzzing like bees. No unnecessary outings. No long conversations. No proper meal. No good rest.

And while I have already marked out the line that demarcates my private circle, I revisited memory lane.

I skipped the embarassing moments. I skipped the failures. I skipped all the sad tales.

I went back to high school. I needed to get some certification done. And while my friends may not comprehend the sentiments I fondly reserve for my Alma Mater, I really do miss being a little younger.

And yesterday night, I fell asleep with this thought.

I am the product of a blessed marriage. But more than that, I am a product of various forms of influences.

I have taken risks cause someone dared me to. I have tried because someone bothered to motivate me. I can dream because someone had planted the encouraging thoughts within me. I resent some attitudes because someone had planted within me that it was despicable.

The someone can be my mother, father, brothers, ministers, friends, book characters, teachers...

I may not have conformed to everything, priding myself in the many choices I have made.

But I reminded myself that I cannot shove someone away because they hadn't chosen greener pastures or made better choices or taken bigger risks or had bigger dreams.

More importantly, I cannot impose my expectations on another, regardless of how legitimate my reasons could be.

Because the other person was the product of a different form of influence.

I have harped on the power of influence for a long time. But my eyes have been veiled towards the many examples around me.

Different people. Different influence.

On a different note, I want to leave in May. Peacefully. And gladly. Come May, come. Come quickly. Come swiftly. Come within a blink of the eye. Spare me the agony of waiting. I will be more than ready when it is time to leave.

Just a Little Different....(Ain't that Bad)

2009-01-30T02:35:00.008+08:00

If cold is the absence of heat and darkness the absence of light...

Then abnormality is defined as....

I wonder if I am in fact...straying from the herd and displaying tendencies amounting to being abnormal.

I let myself get absorbed into the pressure of owning an account of a social network but I cannot care about it the least. I hope no one reads my Facebook profile (there's nothing in there to read except my learning institutions and such), find my blog (there's too much in here) and I especially dread receiving invites (I demand a formal invitation for weddings and such, pardon the inability to keep up with times), reading news feeds can be a chore and superpoking is just not my thing. All photographs have been graciously tagged by someone else. And my Friendster profile...well, it's just there. And will soon die a natural death.

Cam whoring. I refuse to accept that this is a definite female hobby or I may risk losing my gender identity. Photographs capture memories. It allows me to revisit memory lane. And that's about it. I absolutely don't take pictures of myself in different poses (and that's another problem, I detest all that fancy poses).

Lame talk. It's funny. I just never got the hang of it. And it usually makes me bored or irritated.

Wearing the sari. I have come to notice (thankfully, not in my immediate circle of friends) that most of the Indian girls are clad in this complex, glittering and absolutely breathtaking traditional outfits. Especially upon passing the 21 age barrier. I quietly turned 21 and commemorated it with some people (important to me). Besides that, I have yet to parade in that outfit. Not yet.

Handphone craze. I love my phone. My heart sinks when I accidentally drop it. it has been a loyal companion. But I can live without it. I may be happy to part with it. Because I usually leave it tucked under a pillow or on my desk. I did get upset when my previous phone was stolen. Well, that's because it was a gift. And it hurt me a lot to know that I couldn't brag to my siblings that I had the longest standing and well maintained mobile phone.

On a more refreshing note,

I do care about oral hygiene. Eyebrow treading. Err....Book reading. Movie watching. Friends' outings. Travelling. Yada yada....

Insensitive Soul!

2009-01-28T19:14:00.005+08:00

I listened. Talked. Walked with her through it. And listened again.

It bothers me that I've watched her suffer in silence for a reasonably long time but I cannot do much. I can only say the usual cliched lines.

I knew the root of the matter a long time ago.

I have almost no respect for them who know they are the cause of immense pain in another person's life and yet remain insensitive.

I have little respect for them who know that they are introducing some form of damage into another person's life and still be insensitive to the prospect that the damage done may be irreversible.

And I absolutely cannot take the I-didn't-know explanation.

Let's take some credit for being the highest form of all creations. It's about time don't you think? We have the privilege (and for a few perhaps, the curse) of having emotions.

We have the ability to discern. The gift of fear. The sense that reminds us that something ain't right. And plain conscience (though it can dry up).

And yet we can choose to be insensitive. We can play with emotions. And pretend the fault isn't ours.

What, oh what, should we do with ourselves?

But then, as I remind my friend, these instances only remind us of our imperfections. Our strained expectations. And our true, fallen nature.

Then again, this is the same reason some say we are appealed to the mysticism of the supernatural. Because we don't believe in ourselves.

Oh well, I believe in myself. But I also know I can fail myself. There is, what we call, a point when we know that we are in fact, helpless. Imperfect. And dependents.

When I Adamantly Squeeze Some Hours Away.....

2009-01-27T01:37:00.007+08:00

The sooner I learnt of the book, I instinctively developed an interest to read one. So the moment I had the luxury of time, I purchased my very own copy of Richard Dawkin’s ‘The God Delusion’. All I had to do was mention the title to this smart-looking chap with a walkie talkie at Mid Valley’s MPH and he gave me the knowing look, as if he had been extending the same services to at least 10 customers just before me.

And of course, to answer some questions (just in case?):

So did Christ whom you have claimed to believe in finally forsaken you or given you some reason to doubt?

No lengthy elaborations (I have come to see the importance of that). The answer is no.

Do you intend to read every page (or may be every sentence) and criticize/challenge the author’s views?

Believe me. I used to do that. Except it wasn’t with books. It was with people. I fought tooth and nail, as if battling for my right to breathe and stay alive. But I was eighteen. And I must admit, not fully comprehending some matters (including the use of short forms while sms-ing and atheist pride), I did more damage than I intended to.

Why bother reading?

Just like some people who intend to explore religion (either to prove its futility or to obtain some insights on beliefs or to search for meaning and purpose in life or whatever), I just wanted to hear this other side. Straight from the horse’s mouth.

Preface of the paperback edition

I skipped it and went straight to the preface as I didn’t want to read the author’s response to selected questions by readers (critics mostly). Knowing me, I may subconsciously subscribe to biasness. And that would spoil the fun, won’t it?

I intend to...

Blog on every chapter. Might be boring eh? But I can’t see myself summarizing it all into one single entry. It isn’t a novel. And on a more humble note, I am not intellectually gifted to…do just that. Summarize.