LIVE LOUD!

Your Demise

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 09:31:00 +0000

How is it that your demise brings us so much grief...
That is just aches so much...
No amount of tears, sharing or busy schedules and distractions can take it away...

To know that we've done little....
To know that there could have been so many years ahead...
To know that it could have been much better...

And yet, we know....
You didn't lead the insignificant life...

I have....
I have led a life of indifference...

But you have opened our eyes...
To a different, much smaller and fragile world...
One that we'll eternally remember...
And that will remind us...

Of the saving grace.

Fondly remembered,

AML

19*2 - October 22 2009

R.I.P.

Hello and Hi!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 05:25:00 +0000

I thought I should at least leave a few lines:

I moved into my home in Seremban. Pretty nice.
It's been great driving around.
My Internal Med posting has already gotten to me.
I've had my car knocked into even before it turned one month. And then I got it paid for by the offender. Quite some stress there....
We're done with three weeks.
My phone line and Internet connection came swiftly.

Joe has left for England. And we miss him terribly.

And this may be irrelevant - but I actually drove home all the way, 2.5 hours on the highway and mind you, it was Raya eve. Talk about breakthroughs!!!!

That's all for now. It sure doesn't feel like a holiday right now.

But I'm Not Her, Lord!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 15:40:00 +0000

I never knew how much I dreaded this week until this morning. I hoped beyond hope that my brief vacation with Mian Li, Diana and Qian Hui never met its end. It was heaven on earth. And soon, we were saying our goodbyes.

I was back home for a while only to travel again to settle everything else pending at the home I will soon occupy or a good (and maximum of) 2 years.

And still my heart aches.

What is it about the past three months that I've not done well enough?

I've not been the best child. I admit to have put a hole in my parents' pockets.

And then, amidst the imperfections, I have also conquered some milestones.

I bothered to perform by my cicil duty - I'm a registered voter. I spent the longest period of time with medical attachments. I've met friends. I've done a little bit for the CYW Tour. I've hosted people at home. I've taken a bold step of taking a new car down with me for the Clinicals. I can play about 5 decent pieces under the guidance of Ms. Maria. We've lavished on a memorable and meaningful 25th wedding anniversary celebration. I've settled my accommodation with two wonderful tenants (Marina and MeZhen) with negligible teething problems (which remain the fault of our agent and landlady).

But it still aches.

Because, sometimes, I cannot ignore the fact that a large part of me is being compared to her and her and h-e-r!

I'm too weak to go down any path that will wreck my life. I'm already troubled by many things that await me in the near future. Though a part of me does courageously brush it aside.

And then all those verses flood my mine. Seek ye first the kingdom of God. He remembers our form. The heart is deceiving about all else.

I've too many people around me. But the hopeless truth is that, I can still feel alone on this matter.

This is not how I've intended the semester break to end...

Faith Factor

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 11:32:00 +0000

After the end of my attachment, I've been still trying to make myself useful.

These two, in particular, have brought about a great boost of confidence:

1. The arrival of my new Auto car - So yeah, driving hasn't been any easier!

2. Resuming my piano lessons after a 6-year gap. My teacher is beautiful. And I can play some really beautiful pieces.

So yeah. I'm off to have a reunion cum farewell vacation with some IMU peeps. And before we'll know it, I'd be whisked away for the Clinical Phase.

Come what may!

Not Well Enough....

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 11:56:00 +0000

You must know by now that my semester break is coming to an end. I'll be moving on to the next chapter of my life.

On retrospect, I cannot help but thank God for the past years.

If there has been a recurrent thought for the past few months, it has to be that which partially engulfs me with fear....

Have I let time pass too quickly?

I know far too many people who are keen on capturing the memorable days in every way possible and have it shared with others. This I believe is commendable and is an area I'm working hard to keep up with myself even with a video camera, digital camera, public and private blog and two notable social networks.

But then, the bigger question would be one that may sound somewhat a cliche:

Have I let time pass with meaningless pursuits? And have I left no stone unturned even as I move on?

So I've completed a reasonable period of time doing medical attachments.

I've resumed piano lessons with a very kind and beautiful lady. It is liberating to know that all hope is not gone. And the confidence I have gained has had a therapeutic effect on me.

I've met with people I've never dreamt of meeting in a lifetime.

I've met friends I will always miss and went places I may never return to.

I've also remembered and honoured my parents even as they commemorated their 25th wedding anniversary. More than the posh restaurant or fancy details, I prefer to remember it as a celebration in which I know I have not forgotten to say anything that I should have said thus far. The words of my Pastor has resonated well and clear.

And in all my inadequacies, I know I've not done some more important things, choosing to wallow in some miseries, doubts, resentments and selfishness.

And no amount of remorse can undo that...

Because Sometimes, a little Patience should be Added to Hope

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Fri, 31 Jul 2009 15:06:00 +0000

What world was I in when I actually bid him farewell?

It ain't over, till it's over, ain't it not?

Found it!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 12:07:00 +0000

Well, this is not to reiterate my point that I am...in fact....resting.

I remember a post I had once wrote on this book that I have been looking for. I assumed I had searched hard enough.

And apparently, I haven't. To add to that, I have found it in the least expected bookstore. In my hometown.

Now that's what I term a divine finding.

The book is a real page-turner. It is no bother that is as thick as my dictionary. If I may add, it surprises me that the author has not written the book to sensationalize the life of the infamous murderer. It had a greater purpose - to create awareness, particularly among women.

My older brother and I were big fans of the programme, Medical Detectives. We watched it religiously on Friday nights. We absolutely anticipated re-runs. And then there was a point of time in which we were obsessed with all these tales and mysteries of serial killings. It kept us intrigued. Or maybe we just had very boring lives in which we ate, slept and buried our heads in books.

Who knows...

I must say that I would have long subscribed to the Crime and Investigation Channel if I had a less hectic schedule. (As it is, most of our channels are under utilized.)

It just bothers me a fair bit that I only know a handful of people who are familiar with the name Ted Bundy. I mean, he was only executed in 1989. Or maybe, that is a long time ago....

P.S. The book has been updated many times. My paperback cover has a different look.

Quite a Life, Honey!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 15:08:00 +0000

It has been quite an extraordinary semester break. I've yet to receive a letter stating my new semester fees, which also means, I've yet to receive my 'offer letter'. And it strikes me as odd though I do know that I will advance to the next phase after successfully completing Phase 1.

And in it all, I have found the drive to break the mundane routine I have usually had in previous years during unusually long semester breaks.

I know I have earned some 'very good names'. Too free. Hardworking. Not wanting to rest.

But here's the truth. The real truth. No embellishments.

I'm dead scared that my other option (the one in which I am allowed to be a couch potato and sleep the days off) will surely attribute to massive weight gain. And by the way, that is already happening even with my current schedule. And then by September, I will be a walking zombie, helplessly trying to overcome laziness. Only I, dear friend, comprehend my body clock.

And then there is the more important fear - I am too overwhelmed about Phase 2. I have never felt so incompetent. I don't know where this is stemming from. It's true that getting through exams alone is no guarantee that the next phase is going to be absolutely smooth. Believe me that it haunts me all too often.

And just for them with serious doubts if I am in fact having a life, I shall leave you with that which speaks a thousand words on my occasional breaks. I do have fun. You know, being able to rub shoulders with different groups of people is very much a blessing. Sometimes I wished it wouldn't end. Simply put, my clinical attachments have been equally exciting.

Harveen's 21st @ Palace of the Golden Horses (I must tell you that I was absolutely tempted to know where Schumacher had stayed)

Father's Day @ Sun Lee How Fook

Retreat with PC and the church peeps....

Damai Laut

Finally, our High School Pangkor Reunion

Goodbye, Michael....

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 14:09:00 +0000

Will you be there? -pris' best song ever-

Everyone knows that my brothers are the bigger MJ fans in my family. It's funny how both of them did not find it strange to incorporate the name 'Jackson' in their email addressed with some minor variations. SO there, we individually admired him in different ways.

And it has been a shocking two weeks. The world around me hasn't stopped moving but I've joined the rest in mourning his passing.

And yesterday, I devoted the longest of my TV viewing sessions to view the entire live broadcast of the memorial service held for Michael Jackson.

Suddenly it felt like I knew him forever. Or at least felt a small fraction of his pain.

Two words. Thank you.

So what's New?

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 04:52:00 +0000

So yesterday evening, my parents and I were glad to host my favourite pastor, PC and spouse Kel as well as the 1 AM Worship Team at our home in Ipoh for lunch. And we only had a little less than two hours with them but we were happy to learn about the new things that are coming up - in particular, the Change Your World Nationwide Tour that begins in August. I know this much - I have never regretted one bit being part of the ECF family. Because we are always on the move. Always in search for avenues to bring Christ to people in ways that are so profound, it just takes my breath away. Way to go people! Let's do this!

Do view the following videos, I have a little trouble embedding them here:

1. Change Your World Tour Teaser

2. 1AMFLuence

And the website:

Change Your Would Tour

http://www.1am.com.my/

See, You Did It!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:47:00 +0000

Kami, bersama-sama dengan warga ECF and kakitangan Lapangan Terbang Antarabangsa Kuala Lumpur (KLIA) mengalu-alukan ketibaan (insert relevant title) Trisha Wong, yang telah lulus cemerlang dan dianugerahkan ijazah sarjana dari United Kingdom.

*Congrats. Sorry, I couldn't afford a newspaper advert. I anticipate your return. Really can't wait. it's like you've been gone forever. Much to tell. Much to listen to. And so much to do. Come back. We will be waiting.

Anne Frank

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 12:54:00 +0000

I did something no student should do when they are about to sit a major exam i.e. reading a book not pertaining to academics.

Oh well, the funny thing is I never found the idea a disturbing thought at all. I remember the Sunday after a meeting we had with a guest speaker in church, Joyce wanted to go to IOI MALL, Li shun wanted ice cream at Wendy's and I wanted to tag along.

And we ended up in a book fare. And voila, I purchased two important things:

1. A globe, complete with the capitals of all countries, even the smallest of nations. I fiddle with it every night before I sleep. It feels like it is a small world after all.

2. And more importantly, I bought a book most people my age may have completed while in high school - Anne Frank's Diary.

I just spoke to a good friend's mum while taking a leisure walk around the neighbourhood on the pretext of losing weight. And I ended up having the a lenghty conversation with her in which I reassured her that some of the greatest lessons in life are obtained from outside the textbooks. It comes from just living day to day.

Anne Frank led a remarkable life.

Yes I do know where I will stop by when I go to Amsterdam. The Anne Frank's museum.

But more than that, I have learnt from a girl who grew up faster than most other girls her age that it is alright to be different, in many, many ways.

That Pink Vista Condo...

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sun, 31 May 2009 04:11:00 +0000

I took very little photographs of my apartment while I was at Taylor's, much to my regret. But I have plenty of memories captured of my favourite room at the Vista Condo I stayed.

And I singled out a few to be posted here...for no particular reason.

I CAN'T SPOT THE LAPTOP. AND THAT BOTHERS ME A GREAT DEAL.

A Taste of the Silver State

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Wed, 27 May 2009 03:03:00 +0000

They say practice makes perfect. So it has taken some rounds of tours here at my hometown with different groups of friends until I can fully be sure of what could be done.

So here is a fairly complete itinerary*in no particular order:
1. Ming Court Tim Sum
2. Foh San Tim Sum (so we can say we had a taste of both of the best)
3. Beef noodles in Buntong
4. Ice Kacang along Sam Tet Primary School
5. Ipoh Yong Tau Fu
6. Ipoh Tauge Chicken Rice
7. Nam Heong's White Coffee
8. And just opposite Nam Heong, a thicker variant of Ipoh white coffee at Sun Yuen
9. "Little India" area - shopping for jewelry/clothing
10. Eyebrow treading at Madhu's (The best!) - for girls only!
11. Banana Leaf at Sri Ananda Bahwan
12. Ikan Bakar behind Tesco, Ipoh
13. A stroll along the Polo Grounds (at night, just to experience the eerie feeling of a park surrounded by a cemetery) - and yes, an abandoned mansion just opposite that we can scrutinize because of its history and unusual sounds as dusk falls
14. the picturesque D.R. Park - Oh well, that's just to burn the kilos while waiting to pamper your taste buds with the next round of food
15. Some temples at the mountainous areas especially the Sam Poh Tong and the Hindu Temple opposite the D.R. Park (Well, it seems to be of particular fascination for some for whatever reason)
16. Kellie's Castle, Batu Gajah(an abandoned yet beautiful castle with dungeons built by a Scot in the early 20th centuary)
17.Gua Tempurung (this is a must I guess)
18. Japanese Gardens
19. The Ipoh Train Station - just to have a feel of a terribly ancient lift that has been in operation for a really long time, plus at night it can have an eerie feeling (pardon my thrill for these sensations)
20. The famous tree of democracy - that marked the meeting spot of Pakatan Rakyat leaders following an emergency state assembly meeting outside the Perak State Government Building, which also became a controversial spot in the months to come after the meet

Other places to drop by:
1. Greentown area - shopping, food and night life for the young
2. Ipoh Parade and Kinta City (to kill time?)
3. Kuala Kangsar Royal Town
5. The famous Limau Bali of Ipoh

5 Love Languages? Yea, Whatever!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Tue, 26 May 2009 12:18:00 +0000

I was introduced to a session and book titled "The 5 Love Languages". And I must tell you, people loved it!

Apparently, love is communicated in the following language (from memory recall - apologies for any errors):

1. Words of encouragement
2. Gifts
3. Physical touch (as in affection shown with hugs etc.)
4. Acts of kindness /service
5. Quality time spent

I embrace this positively though I have my criticisms. I will get to that shortly. But to be fair, I do see that this has been 'formulated' to help people discover how to communicate 'love' effectively to another (based on the other's preference or personal liking).

I disagree in one way because perhaps the way I wished people would express their love to me didn't fit the bill. You may ask, do I then wish to be punched in the face to trully and deeply feel the love from another. Well, no! But I am just not inclined to think that it is confined to a minimum of 5 ways.

Secondly, an important aspect of communicating love is sincerity. I may perform an act of kindness but if I have not coupled it with sincerity (acknowledging that sincerity is rather abstract and difficult to quantify/judge), then I may not have communicated love in an appropriate way.

Here's mine. You see, the original title of this entry should have been "What Breaks My Heart". But then again, that may be overly sensationalized. More so if it is in red and bold.

I feel loved when I receive good communication. I don't mean speaking in a particular accent or avoiding gross grammatical errors. I mean...When I don't need to ask the same thing five times in five different ways to get a reply. I believe that most questions, simple and hard, should warrant a reply.

Hence I feel loved with the simplest of gestures like a text message reply and all forms of good courtesy. That's why, while I may have a lot of differences with a few, I still have high regards for them who have these basic courtesy.

I feel loved when I know that I am worth a simple reply. When I know that the communication is two-way and not one-way. When I know I am at least being heard, even if not really remembered. When I know that I am at least important enough to be acknowledged in a very simple yet insignificant way.

And I can be reasonable. I appreciate good communication to the point that even if there has been instances when someone neglects it out of sheer forgetfulness, I can overlook it. Because we all can distinguish habitual errors from occasional slips. No one is perfect right? Plus I'd like the same allowance be made towards me.

So it's not the big bouquet of flowers or the 'thank you' cards and expensive gifts that gets me. Oh wait, let me clarify, I willingly accept and feel loved by these. I do. It's just that a daily basis of courtesy and sincerity outweighs an occasional 'extravagant' affair. And more importantly, what use is it if I emphasize the former while neglecting the latter.

I do try to go out of my way to make another feel special. Well, I try though I have no scale to measure it. I do believe in the 5 love languages for many reasons. I'm just saying, above all, it's the heart that counts. The thoughts that matter. And the sincerity that wins it all. All these will inevitably spell out our willingness to love.

So loving is not just about being nice. That's why I go back to 1 Corinthians 13 to further remind myself of my inadequacies and imperfections in this matter.

"We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19

The Article...(More Photos and Entries on the Trip Down Memory Lane to Come)!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Wed, 20 May 2009 13:19:00 +0000

And because I'm alone in my apartment tonight (as opposed to 10 friends yesterday), trying to understand x-rays and the essentials and calling every friend I wish to rant to or discuss matters....while also counting the hours before the curtains come down on the End-of-Semester 5 Professional Examination (that's what its called)...oh yes, and while I also make my dad drive down to pick me up because I am paranoid about the swine flu alert and also because I AM CLEARING 90% OF THE APARTMENT...

I decided I will just copy and paste my article that, thanks to the Convocation Magazine Team (that I regret not being part of because of my unwillingness to commit to major tasks this semester), will be published for the viewing pleasure of all my batchmates and will, somehow be immortalized!

So, here goes...

Fear, My Foe. Priscilla A/P Manymuthu (M0702200)

Have you ever had fears that are so real, you simply knew it was going to get you? Well, I did. And when Fear made its appearance (without an informed consent), I was always consumed with dread.

I feared unfamiliarity....In IMU, Fear visited me just in the first week. I was conned by a bunch of cunning seniors to sit a so-called Medical Aptitude Test. I never knew it was a hoax until the whole stint was over. Predictably, I could answer only one question (describe the function of the male genital organ), as the rest remained Greek to me. I’ve never spent so much time carefully wording my answer. I was determined to obtain the most marks I could from this particular question. You see, failing this would mean attending the remedial classes. And well, the heartache came at the end. My answer script was carefully singled out from the entire batch of freshies and read out aloud. For whatever reason, everyone seemed to be in stitches. There were loud applause and whistles. It was only short of a standing ovation. I was the only person who didn’t find any of it amusing.

Just that instant, in that exam hall, I feared returning the following week. I feared being remembered eternally because of my answer manuscript. Except it didn’t happen. It was just a weird start. Little did I know, I would see happier days ahead!

I feared failing....Fear was a frequent visitor, particularly during my first year. I feared missing the mark. As a matter of fact, everyone did. And frankly, everyone should.

I did get a rude shock when I failed my OSCE in Semester 3. It came without a warning. Or at least I believed a clinical examination would have been impossible to fail as opposed to a written exam. I wished countless times that it was a bad dream that I will wake up from. I endured a resit exam. And thankfully, it went fine. These days I have begun to love tutoring juniors for the same exam, sometimes I forget I once almost hated it. I often contemplate beginning an OSCE club. Kidding....

I feared unpleasant people....I am proud of my social circle and happy to note that I have many friends everywhere (most of whom have become an inseparable part of my life). But I feared the myth that often graced us upon enrolling in med school. I feared the unreasonable, overly competitive, terribly insecure and generally pathetic medical students.

But it was only a matter of time before I was proved wrong. Fear left when I met some of the most pleasant people. It wasn’t merely the birthday surprises from friends, or the outings with seniors or the ‘thank you’ cards from juniors that touched me the most. It was merely the beauty of rubbing shoulders with a diverse group of people, of different beliefs, principles, personalities and even nationality.

I vowed that I will never allow Fear to deceive me on the negatives of meeting, loving, working and persevering with absolutely new people. At all costs.

I fear farewells.... I don’t even know where I should start if I were asked to travel down memory lane and dictate it all. Lectures, PBLs, CSU, Orientation, IMU Cup, Life Group, Cell Group, Exams, Presentations, Camps, Trips to my Family Home with Friends...The pictures have immortalised some of the days. Still, every single day was a memory. Fear always gets the better of me when it comes to parting of ways. Then again, I cannot deny the inevitable...

Definitely, Maybe

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sat, 02 May 2009 03:12:00 +0000

Note for Li Shun: I searched your archives to re-read your entry on it. And you must know that we both live at two ends of the globe. It's official. I mean, how could it be predictable? It wasn't. Unless of course, I am slow to figure these out. I'm not the the 'solve the riddle' kind of person. And anyway, they didn't actually settle their differences. It was an unpredictable twist in the plot. For me, at least.

****

Dakota Fanning. Abigail Breslin. Two of the child actors I have envied. I mean, come on. I couldn't even be a flower girl when I was young. And they get to play the daughter/daughter-like roles with a variety of cool dads.

Let's see.

War of the Worlds. Man on Fire. Hide and Seek. Signs. Definitely, Maybe.

****

I know it's Mother's Day coming sooner than Father's Day. But I must say that we all need to get more hyped up about the latter.

And as in the movie, we, the children, are in fact the happy endings.

Plus, another quote from the movie - "I want the real deal". I guess that's the part some of us take forever to get.

****

And so it is. I officially enter a two-week period of study break before I sit the finals of Phase 1.

After which, I go home. To some peace and quiet.

Quite My Sentiments!

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sun, 26 Apr 2009 11:10:00 +0000

Read: The Star, 19 April 2009, Stupidity in Numbers by A.Asohan

Now this columnist has become increasingly popular by my ranks.

****

I wished I had a more varied social circle. Honestly, it is a refreshing thought to rub shoulders with other people.

Don't get me wrong. I am in the company of some of the nicest and kindest soles. (Though these days I am not inclined to use the word 'nice' as I find it too ambiguous. I often go, 'define nice').

It's not the cool and elite group that I desire so much to move with. So I can attend fancy parties and events and at least educate myself on fashion disasters (which is apparently one of the crimes I commit).

But sometimes I think my social circle also confines me to a little space that only gets me thinking of the near future.

Like passing exams, specializations, maybe shopping and what's new in another person's life.

Well, that is tolerable.

This is the less comfortable part. Plain ignorance of other happenings.

I believe it was a week or so ago when I jumped at the chance of paying for a yearly subscription of the TIME magazine, in which I get a reduction from RM 9 a copy to RM 3.50 a copy (for 54 issues of the magazine). I was more than grateful that these student and lecturer rates reached my institution. But apparently the response was not that fantastic. And mind you, there were a variety of other magazines; Newsweek, Reader's Digest, National Geographic etc.

Ah never mind. It is an individual preference. And maybe people are not keen on one-off payments that can be a bit overwhelming.

Take this. Ignorance about local politics. Fine, it can be a little taxing to keep up especially when it isn't all sugar and honey to read.

But this just gets even better. Not being able to know where two different states are in the Peninsular. This is more than a shock.

And well, my next category of disappointments include people who are so full of themselves. This is self-explanatory. And maybe too tedious to explain.

And finally, people who are too distant. Every emotion is to be suppressed. Every thought is kept under lock and key. Occasional silence should not be questioned. Cares and encouragement should be kept to yourself and not extended unless it has been personally requested (which is almost never). Unnecessary speculations are just redundant because really, you can't read my mind (even if we actually can). Conversations that are too intimate and personal should be kept for your own thinking pleasures before you sleep, because there are other things to be discussed like...(never mind). And please don't ask for opinions, cause really, I don't have one. And even if I do, it's not meant for your ears (oh wait, that doesn't make it an opinion, does it?). And I have plenty to talk about and share, but I just seem to have better things to do in life.

Blame the culture. Creatures of instinct, maybe. Creatures of habit, definitely. We just don't talk.

Because there is no need for pity (but whoever said it is about pitying you). And because you care too much about what people will think of you (which is pitiful).

Who knows? Maybe its even unimaginably cool to be known as quiet people with minimal thoughts and a private life. Maybe it is.

Oh well, keep your lives to yourself.

As for me, I extract some thoughts from the columnist. I am me. I am not you. I may desire that you be a bit different, but I will never impose it on you. Hence, it ain't an expectation. Likewise, I cannot be what you want me to be.

And yes, some groups (some only) make me an ill-fit at times.

....A Tribute to You

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 18:08:00 +0000

I returned to my family home to sit the MUET (Malaysian University English Test) for a day. I travelled right after sitting a mock exam, OSCE (Clinical Examination). I'm probably the only one in my batch who has procrastinated MUET for slightly over four years, no?

I re-read my rants on the mock OSCE two semesters ago, posted on this very same site. And I am stunned at how much things have changed for the better. I almost can't remember hating this exam.

Well, that aside, it was physically and mentally draining to get back home, sleep for two hours or so, do work, sit the exam and then sleep another two hours and head straight back to KL. It felt alone. And utterly tiresome. Despite the company of loved ones.

But you, Oh Lord, are faithful.

But You Oh Lord, are merciful. So merciful.

But why? Why so much grace? Why this abundant love? Does enough ever exist in Your vocabulary? Doesn't hurt and anger fill Your mind with my endless shortcomings, as I consistently do with others?

Why this protection? Why this presence? Why, oh why, these undeserved favours? Why not let go? Just once so I can wallow in guilt and pain and feel good about paying my sentence.

Do You not know that I am bound to disappoint You again? And I don't want to....

I love You. I do.

Sustain Me in Thy strength. And bring me home. I just want to go home. And be thankful that I am alive and well. And have breakfast with my parents. And brother.

And forget that I have been a great disappointment.

Though I may shed a tear or two because of some disappointing friends around me, I will never comprehend disappointment at its fullest.

And may You also extend the same grace unto them. For You know the best for them, and for me.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is His love for those who fear Him. Psalm 103:11

My (and Your) Meager Givings...

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 06:02:00 +0000

Now this is an unusual entry to break a hiatus. But I'm so stuffed from my lunch and past lonely 18 hours at home. I feel like I am enduring a house arrest a tad too long. I dreamt that my housemates were back. That's how much I long for their return...

****

Whatever did they say about being 'penny wise and pound foolish?' Well, my mum says this quite a fair bit. So we all get ear sores from it.

My devotional today was surprisingly on 'giving'. This is perhaps the most debated and maybe even somewhat a controversial topic among Christians and the rest of human folk.

Well, I need not explain much on my financial stands. Yes, I have a fairly good life. My parents have been gracious. We only have God to thank for the increase in providence this season amidst a global economic crisis. Prove is, I actually get to go for a 'fancy holiday' this year to a 'fancy place'. More of which I shall share on a separate occasion. If I want to...

But I know I am not extravagant. Neither do I subscribe to frugal living.

I just cannot accept this. I cannot digest the fact that people rationalize their expenditure when it comes to spending on others.

Suddenly a usual trail of thoughts come to mind: Is this necessary? Is this too big a sum? Do I actually need to give this amount just because it is a wedding? Am I not only a student? Is this not too imposing? Hey, this is not fair to ask is it? Excuse me, is that a request?

This is the totally amusing part. Yes, I choose to describe it as amusing rather than ironical.

1. It's alright to spend a hefty sum on wardrobes and personal accessories.
2. It's alright to drive all the way to ioi mall (or whatever mall) to pamper my taste buds with ice cream (that's in reference to me). Oh wait, these days even ice creams can cost more or at least RM 10, tax included.
3. It's alright to attend parties and concerts and all other events that happen 'once in a blue moon.' I mean, they don't happen on regular weekends do they? Plus I'm into this 'kind of stuff'.
4. It's alright to go food hopping all over the place cause the exams are over.
5. It's alright to indulge in sales and low rates at the fairs because....it isn't the 'sales period' every day.
6. It's alright to immerse myself in all other indulgences, selfish or not, because it's my life, my health, my body...and...my parents' business.

Your meager giving can be counted for nothing at times. It's pathetic that we start getting a little wiser on spending when it comes to blessing another sole, or extending a kind thought or fogging out some money to make another feel happy.

No I am not the kindest saint in the world. And I can be annoyingly stubborn. And selfish in my own ways.

But I do reply calls. I try to read and reply emails. I am generous with my text messages. And I definitely wouldn't think that respecting or honoring a person stops at being nice to them and smiling and exchanging the usual greetings.

I think relationships thrive on love. Love has no boundaries.

And well, people are important.

Some things are just not measured in dollars and cents.

If only we spent a fraction of our time thinking of how much another has laboured for us in great pain, the meager amount we give would not seem unusually high for a wedding. Or birthday. Or whatever.

"Where is My Fairy Tale Life?"

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:08:00 +0000

"Where is my fairy tale life?"
Jason Lee, Prom-King Nominee of the IMU Ball '09

Everybody knows that I have anticipated the movie version since forever (after completing all 5 books in my teens). I put it up on my sidebar last year and then took it off, assuming I got too ahead of myself.

When I was in Singapore last year, Christina and I reminisced the days I spent re-reading one of the Shopaholic books in college (while Hui Ann managed a laugh). I was caught in broad day light, reading selected pages and smiling to myself.

And well, the movie was a good treat. I vowed I will abstain from all forms of entertainment for the next few weeks. I denied my favourite, movie-crazy girlfriends (Mian Li and Diana) the pleasure of accompanying them to watch the much anticipated movie. Oh, well, I did have a class.

And then Joyce asked again, and I took it as a sign.

Becky Bloomwood, the famed character of the Shopaholic series is definitely captured in the best way a movie could in an hour and a half. Though I do hold some resentments for the differences in the plot and well....the shift of the set from England to New York (throughout). Still, I couldn't really ask for more, could I?

But Luke Brandon was depicted all too well. He is perhaps one of the only fictional characters who lived up to general expectations. Sheesh!!!

And well, I am over the moon.

You see, I don't shop like Becky. I don't even have a wardrobe collection. I just have an IKEA closet with ample of space. And I was graciously granted one of those magic cards (a.k.a. credit cards) which I have somehow found means and ways to spend, citing necessities/essentials.

But Becky and I share the exact sentiments of unfathomable craziness, though on different matters.

****

And well, I need to go. I have the midnight oil to burn. And a day off to kill with meaningful pursuits.

But I must tell you that I have an urgent desire to go to England.

Oh, I must. This year. Must? Well, I should. I could. I want to. I shall.

Till then, here's announcing a fairly long hiatus for a lengthy period of plain studying. I chose this career path and I have to finish this semester well before I cruise away for a three-month vacation. In which I desire so much to....

P.S.The IMU Ball photographs will be graciously tagged by many peers on Facebook. That aside, I have nothing much going on.

As for politics, I shall let whatever should happen take its course. Wait. Look. And see. After which, maybe (maybe only), I may contemplate some comments and formulate some opinions.

Till then,
Bye!

P.P.S. My fairy tale week(s) may come sooner than expected???!!

That Boy I Saw Yesterday....

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Sun, 29 Mar 2009 08:46:00 +0000

I have much to update on. So much has happened. I have a new toy I fiddle with every day. Plus, I have had a thoroughly eventful week. And my body has been sleep-deprived. I rated my stress level as high when I was asked to fill a data form on my skin profile today. And I've been thinking about a whole load of stuff. More of which I shall share if I feel up to it or am able to organize my thoughts. But I absolutely cannot resist this subject.

I was only thirteen when I first saw him racing in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Of course he wasn't the man I was hoping would take the chequered flag. The man I hoped would win did win. And I remember so clearly that the man who did win drew a heart in the air and totally captivated me. I knew this was the one event that will leave me spell-bound and would receive my undivided attention for a fairly long time. That day was a day in March. And according to our time zone, it was early in the morning.

Only yesterday did I see this guy make his debut in Formula One racing. And I remember telling myself that some day he will be more than what he was then.

And he changed teams. He left Williams BMW for Benetton. He has the lover boy status. And he is one of the few drivers who speaks so well, I don't have to strain to listen and make out the accent. Well, he is Brit.

Of course I was never a Button fan like many girls. But I remember that it was not so long ago when I told myself that this guy will be on top.

But I didn't believe it much. He was fairly inconsistent. Blame the car, eh? Plus I always prayed he'd move away to allow Schumacher to pass. One important incident was when his car engine blew up just before the finish line, moving Schumacher to the third place.

It feels like yesterday. When I was totally in control of my life. When I had an envious face at home because I had no pimples and pigmentation. When all I did was mug the books, love my friends, anticipate a racing weekend or a football match and go to church.

You know what. It was yesterday!

And that boy yesterday won today. The thrill Formula One has brought into my life still has its remnants in my life.

I guess it will not go away.

Created

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Fri, 20 Mar 2009 05:51:00 +0000

In an Austrian newspaper, the translation of the headlines actually read, "The Monster Shows His Face".

I have been following a series on creations and the controversial yet widely accepted theory of evolution on Saturdays in church.

And regardless of whether we care about these details, it will not surprise any of us that humans who are in fact the highest form of all creations actually have emotions.

Only we can cry our eyes out at the brink of a sour relationship. Only we will bother to arise at dawn to anticipate sunrise and gaze at its magnificence for as long as we want. Only we can appreciate beauty. Only we can laugh at happy memories. Only we can feel the pain of guilt.

And I think it is safe to say that only we have conscience, though it can eventually become dead. And at least a fair discerment between good and bad, right and wrong or to the very least what is acceptable and what isn't.

Even Josef Fritzl who initially defended his actions and at some point actually claimed that if he hadn't brought his daughter (or granddaughter) to the hospital, she would have succumbed to death. In his own way, he tried to vindicate his deeds.

And then eventually, he pleaded guilty. And his shrink says that he is emotionally stunted.

Truth is, there is plenty I wish to blog about. But why not this...

The big bang theory points that we exist out of a perfectly random process. And then of course all those church-goers remain adamant on the existence of God and that there is a divine purpose for our presence here.

If I were here by chance, then well, I wouldn't feel bad about murder or rape. Nothing would matter. In fact, I wouldn't even see the need to be moved with compassion. A charitable heart might be unheard of. I'd probably fear death because I would have no idea where that would take me but I wouldn't think too much about it. Maybe I'd be reincarnated, who is to tell? I would be my own god, free from all forms of accountability.

And then why is it that at various points of our lives, we experience an immense feeling of weakness? Even when we know what's the right thing to do. Even when we know where we're heading. Even when we're in control. The uncertainties are overwhelming. Do we not find our hearts deceitful? Especially when today we're absolutely sure about telling someone till death do us apart and then sometime later we decide it is time to move on. And why do we feel that everything is just beyond us...We're not so smart, are we?

I cannot wait to present my defence on creation next week to some friends (who also share the same beliefs). I hope at least we would make some sense to these overly educated people. And let them know that science was never against God. Science exists because of God. But Science ain't God.

Some Things Just Don't Change....

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 15:20:00 +0000

I have spent the weekend internalizing matters that have caused unnecessary uproar among Malaysians.

Yea, I have joined those who question the reason to celebrate the eight of March (other than it being the International Women's Day).

A demonstration was staged to protest the use of English for the teaching of Science and Mathematics, years after its implementation. After so much money has been channeled into writing of books, training and so forth. And all this because the use of the national language is supposedly threatened. While this is arguable, as personally I still switch to the national language when I intend to speak to people from different walks of life, I still don't think it is reason enough for the proposed reversal.

Interesting reads - Rocky Bru's blog (citation for a blog entry of a nine-year-old Malay boy who opposes the proposed reversal of language) and today's The Star - medical student relates his plight on coping with the transition and the bane of the proposed reversal.

On the surface, despite all the not-so-pleasant news that greets me nearly every day (from thefts to abuse of power to political struggles), I have come to note that things aren't that bad. Last week, during our clinic posting, I met the loveliest of urban folk, with differences in ethnicity, socioeconomic background and education (and we know because we chatted them up for our research project).

And my exact sentiment for the past week is: We still have hope.

I followed the live telecast of the Birmingham All-England Badminton Championship.

We had some old scores to settle with China's gold medalist, Lin Dan. It didn't happen.

Still it was the atmosphere in Birmingham, within the confines of the indoor stadium, that reminded me of this hope I mentioned.

Malaysians definitely outnumbered the Chinese nationals - or at least our screams were louder. Our player is Chinese and his coach, Malay. And my screaming brother and I are Indians. Talk about variety. Diversity. Whatever.

It was beautiful to watch. Entertaining somewhat though everyone bit their tongue hoping that our golden boy will deliver.

This hope is a promising thought worth dwelling on.

There are some things that cannot change. I believe that there is hope. There has to be!

I WILL Redeem Time....I Promise.

ferrarimania06@hotmail.com (-pris-) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 17:20:00 +0000

We have been so busy already with the health issue week, with some field work and research to be done. And quite predictably, if you're going to work in a big group, you're bound to get frustrated with the indifference, lack of interest and minimal participation by some (just some) of your peers. And it is disappointing.

But in it all, I have been busy doing lots of thinking. I wish thinking could substitute physical exercise so as to account for shedding of the kilos, because perhaps then, I would be as trim as Angelina Jolie.

So much has happened in the past week. It doesn't necessarily involve my life. But since no man is an island (and well, for me, some friends are so special they become an inseparable part of your life), I have dived into deep thought (not deep sorrow or deep pain) on my own life.

And then, today, I made a pledge.

For a brief moment I chose to forget about usual concerns. I did call my mum to check on live happenings in my hometown (what with the 'illegal assembly' held 200 metres away from the state government building). I mean, there is a crisis everywhere. Going beyond Malaysia, a Singaporean lecturer was stabbed in NTU. Then there's the global economic crisis. And there has been two important ongoing trials on crimes against humanity that have greatly aroused my interest; in Sierra Lonne and Cambodia...

I pledge to redeem time.

I already know the little things I can start doing.

I want to sail through this narrow path and look back and say that I have left no stone unturned.

Even if I may get sick and tired of it. Even if I may lose interest. Even if I may not care for a little while.

I don't know how people can preach or live like a dying person or as if there were no tomorrow. I have no clue how long will it take me to get there.

I just know that I do not want my insecurities to eat me up. I do not want to listen to too many voices. And I absolutely do not want my world to merely revolve around my own life.

Oh Father, help me.

"But as wise, redeeming the time..." Ephesians 5:16