Faint Recollections....

Every phase of our lives has a representation; a new beginning, a turning point, an end, a transition...whatever...

We are left with memories to cherish, experiences that shape our future choices and regrets that may haunt us time and again....

I remember a prayer made for me, by a friend, who has now gone on to work...

"May she remember that this is just one of the many exams that she will have to endure; and in it all, You will be with her, through and through..."

That was more than 4 years ago...

It's amazing the memories that comes to us at odd times......first it may just seem like a faint recollection of things. As if it were part of a prior thought process. But then it simply stays, refusing to leave until you start thinking a little deeper...

And then we realize these memories were 'sent'...Sent to remind of what we were then and what we are now...

Of forgotten pledges...Of dried tears....Of past prayers and yearnings of the heart...

We then know, while we have forgotten some things....He hasn't.

How wonderful are Your thoughts of me, Oh Lord? Psalm 139

So who's good?

If there's any reason I would have wanted to be a guy - it will be for only one reason:
Rumour is, I am petty and they aren't.

Having said that, I must add a disclaimer that the rest of the post will be about me...no guy, and definitely no other girl...

I realize that there are some things we subconsciously do, which will define us in some ways  -  but we'd never be able to regurgitate it when we are asked to describe ourselves.

I always have a problem with games like..."tell us what's so interesting about yourself?" Never mind the part where you get to blow your own trumpet...I just simply don't know how to define myself.

I may think I do my best - for others and myself....

Kill yourself if you don't apologize (even if you were partly right or entirely right). Even when you wished you didn't have to make the first move. Keep your cool. Consider others. Seize opportunities to care....even if it hurts, even if it means going out of your way, even when it requires more of you...

Be straightforward - but you don't have to tell everything. Some things we just have to live with. I always secretly smile to myself (not a secret anymore) when people describe themselves to be straightforward. All of us can afford to be straightforward; it's a choice. But then, not everything needs to be addressed (at least that's what I think). Some things, we just tolerate...and nevermind if people will never know...

Be diligent - but never overestimate yourself. Great is your misery if you do....

Be happy but don't expect everyone to share it with you...well, not wholly.

Be kind...and don't get upset when its forgotten...

Do everything else under the sun....and still remember that the bruises will be more than the hugs and kisses...

At the end of the day, I only can say:

The toughest lesson I've learnt about humility is accepting that your good intentions can be misinterpreted. I don't want to be wrong about myself or my intentions (I thought I was my best judge, after God).

 It'll break my heart that I will never be able to express this part of myself well enough without being offensive. I think I can be cool with being wrong. Maybe I just don't know how to accept 'fault' when there  were no ill intentions (or its equivalent) to begin with.

And then I wish that people won't forget....Don't pick on the minute details; and accept the whole 'package'...

That's pride. I know. Or maybe too much to ask...

Then again, I would never claim to be entirely right in all of these....it's a cycle we're all bound to endure. Time and again....

The God Delusion

This title was adapted from a book I read some years ago. It is a book I chose to read, with an open mind (as per the advice given). I vaguely recollect some parts of it...

This is my own version of the God delusion.

I sit here in my favourite spot in my entire academic institution, one which some will know as 'mine' in some rights. I've been here every single day for the past week. I also have these amazing friends who meet at specific intervals, just to make sure all 9 of us are sane (we almost feel like a movement). When the check and balance is done and when we're satisfied with the sharing of knowledge, we have our own time. I then retreat to my private cubicle (well not so private anyway - rumour is, I make too much noise with the keyboard, and yes - I can get loud when I meet familiar people..hahaha).

And all week, every time I'm too tired of worrying, I convince myself to blog....but I never get to it.

Today over tea (dinner for me), we shared our reverence for the higher being. Well, at least my guy friends shared about their Thaipusam plans. Whatever they do, I tell you - it ain't sound easy.

And then I took the longest walk today (within our campus) trying to space out. And the whole time - I felt a big part of me reaching out to God; telling Him it is terrible to seek MORE diligently when we are in need.

That's what we all do. Whatever our beliefs.... God takes centre stage when there is a need. A petition. A request. A desire. A point of desperation. At this juncture, I should add a disclaimer: There are no references to any specific religion.

It's just me - sometimes God becomes a delusion when I get self-sufficient. When there is so much of worry or excitement to bask in. I can subconsciously shove him into a tiny little box, and keep Him away. And then, when I really need Him - I do everything; pouty lips, crying, throwing tantrums, whining, bargaining, pleading etc....

I wouldn't acknowledge that I only take him out on a PRN basis. I still seek even when 'not in desperate need'. I pray. I know I'm always telling Him many things (someone says Christians, like drug abusers or the mentally ill, also have hallucinations - except they would have more sympathy for the latter).

*****

Does God then become a delusion at times?

Some say it is for the faint hearted.

Him who has lower self-esteem. Him who is weak and poor. Religion, like many other things, seeks to explain the 'God factor'.


Religion is often looked upon with some scorn. The more intelligent you are, the less scientific religion becomes. It is often viewed as a fallacy, a ray of hope for the weak, an edge for those who profess to be holy, a lie for those with poor defences and a useful excuse for those with ulterior motives.

I am no expert in religion. I have no religion actually/technically; I, like many others, enjoy a relationship. A relationship with God...not ritualistic ways that take a 'form of godliness'.

Can God then be a delusion? Well, if He is - I would be most depressed. Cause there would be nothing much to live for. There will be little meaning or purpose in life, insignificant probably.

Dear Lover of my soul,


I know you're not a delusion. I only wished I better expressed myself in this - I know that there are too many things which happen...and I simply cannot piece it all together and dismiss it as chance. Or a mere co-incidence. It takes greater faith to believe the 'co-incidence' theory, no kidding!


I believe; help my unbelief.

The year is going to get harder by the day (who says it will end soon enough?)


And the years ahead will be tougher.


If You were a delusion, I'd never be where I am today. I'm not sure I'd even want to go on....


Much love,


Pris.

What Confidence?

Today I very carelessly let out a comment, "I may get borderline grades in the finals" (or at least something said to that effect).

And then I regretted it because I may have been misunderstood.Severely, in fact.

I think the hardest thing about the final 2 months of this phase in life is that you know you're not quite there, though you're almost there. And it just bothers you that the outcome remains uncertain, after everything said and done...

Sometimes it's not the affirmations that we look for. I think I get that plenty.

From your folks who believe that you are so special (and refuse and alternative belief even when I give them disheartening feedback just to invoke a response). And from a few other named individuals....

And other forms of affirmation:

When you do the tasks required of you, submit it duly. When you turn up for work. When you try to do things right. When quite a number of times, there are the happy occasions when you get reasonable, promising, encouraging and even flattering feedback. When you get through each posting without a mere 'satisfactory'. When you know that there are a few who would have a little faith in you...

BUT THAT IS BESIDES THE POINT! It was never the heart of the matter...It is merely a reflection that you are indeed doing something...and probably getting it right most of the time.

Who weighs the condition of the heart? Who could tell if you actually meant everything you said? Who could actually say if everything done, were done to its level best (again, it is not about higher personal expectations)? Who decides what is good enough? Who measures readiness? Are general observations, feedback and grades justifiable parameters?

Who would know if you could handle difficult situations? Or an alternative opinion?

Could I choose to be confident, because I am and I can and I will?

But I tell you, I cannot. I tried it my way and it never worked. I always come back wrestling with the same matters, knowing that no matter what I do, it'll never fit the bill of perfection or satisfaction. I will still come back with the same frustrations (of myself and others). I will still have plenty of inadequacy whatever my academic qualification, whatever my experiences and whatever people say...

At the 24th year of my life, this is what I can say with full confidence:

In Christ alone,
I place my trust,
And find my glory in the power of the cross,
In every victory, let it be said of me,
My source of strength,
My source of hope,
Is Christ alone.....

Even as the Lord has said to us:

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9

Ironies in Life

Caution: Plenty of cynicism ahead!

1. When we simply don't practice that which we 'babble' of all too often...

Last weekend, my colleagues and I attended a weekend seminar organized by our institution. Minus the fact that it was a good excuse to simply have dinner and sleep over with a friend and then another dinner and overnight stay with another friend....I figured the sessions were a good 'by the way' event, since I have been pretty ignorant on the subject matters discussed.

In our academic institution, there is a lot emphasis on continuous and life long learning. This seminar we attended was mostly for professionals (not over-enthusiastic students with desperate weekend plans).

Sadly, the turnout was appalling. We had so many people in coat suits, neck ties and fancy make-up for the opening ceremony, which was nice to see...

And then the numbers dwindled, as soon as the officiating ceremony was over. As soon as the speeches from the distinguished guests were done...As soon as the camera men decided they had taken enough pictures for press coverage....

I hope so much that I will never have to turn up for any event, just for the 'catchy part', whatever my station in life! N-E-V-E-R!

It was students who made the numbers for the rest of the session, with a handful of professionals (literally a handful).

But then I remembered the important reasons: people are busy, people have families, these aren't very important, we've arrived so we need not step down to another level...

The very same incident happened during a day-long workshop a fortnight ago. It was sad to see history repeating itself. But then again, who am I to say?

2. Evidence based?

My mother is a perfectionist. As I've always said, everything she does has a touch of class and perfection to it. As an organizer, she is terrific. As a host, she is almost incapable of nothing. (As a mother, she is the BEST).

But then, I always say, that is my opinion. Until I've had many friends who have visited our family home over the years and then they confirm my beliefs, of my mother.

And then, it becomes a fact. To some extent at least...But it can still remain a theory only (though my sample size is quite fair).

What then do we make of statements, just plain statements, that we are supposed to embrace as true?

Last weekend, I had a tough time comprehending facts like 'the spleen is the mother of the lung'; I kept an open mind, we tried to keep our questions simple (such that we do not patronize another, stay diplomatic and refrain from condescending remarks). We kept our ears tuned. We were hardly mentally absent while being physically present. We stayed both days!

I find it odd that our institution has accredited a new field into our curriculum, amidst our learning outcomes that stress on evidence-based information. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the seminar in some ways....but again, I wished we had some of our educators among the audience/forums to address the need for research...such that the public can scrutinize everything we offer them, on the basis of research.

I have my suspicions though....if we have prized commercial gains, such that we compromise on our value systems.

3. Graduation

But after all that, the biggest irony will still be with regards to myself...

I am 2 months away from my finals, feel hopelessly unprepared for the beginning of 'the rest of my life', and yet I also sit with a few people who will plan the graduation dinner.

Ironies help us laugh at ourselves at times. At least for that, it can still count for many things!

I Celebrate with you.....

And somewhere in between the hectic days, I still get the a few calls/messages from friends from afar. I still read the blog updates. And yes, there is Facebook as well - so I cannot feign ignorance.

Graduations. Job employments. Marriage proposals. Property investments. Permanent residency.Post-graduate plans. Wedding bells! Travels. Births. Parenthood.

It's great to receive news on all the exciting turn of events. I almost feel old already!

I'm nowhere close to any of the above. I just tag along with my siblings' accomplishments...and gladly render them a great part of my own!

2011 has been an awesome year for one too many persons. I only wished I could have joined in with all the celebration. I counted the days I spent at my family home this year - I fall short of 3 days to make it a total of 10 (or something like that). (Note to self: Inform mother that I will not be back for Chritmas/New Year).

I am already anticipating 2012! Hopefully, I will have time stretched a little.

And we can all reminisce the good times, the past and what's ahead. For now, I offer my well wishes, love and prayers

Movie: The Magic of Ordinary Days

The most watched movie in my life is not very popular. I first watched it on Hallmark channel some years ago. This weekend, I watched i again.

 

 

 

These are the times I honestly believed I belonged to a different generation. I was appalled at the description of the 'Y Generation' recently, at a workshop. I had a different understanding of it. But perhaps, it does hold true in some rights.

 

 

 

But I think I would have fit well in a different generation. Before the advent of the Internet. When writing letters still worked. When modest dressing was still in style (even if you repeated everything in your closet). When the use of foul language was not regarded as 'showing emphasis' but rather, indecent behaviour. When co-habitation was a no-no. When being a Christian was something people had greater tolerance for, rather than....

When it was polite to say 'hello' to anyone who walked past you. When it was only correct to admit your mistake. When we wouldn't stoop so low in our lives so as to indulge in mindless arguments. When following the rules was not out of fashion or hypocritical (I have no idea how this view came about but apparently it does)!

 

 

 

Or maybe when life was just a lot more ordinary. May be even simple.

In this movie (no parental guidance required), every scene depicted that which we may not hear of anymore.

When a man accepts a woman who is with child, and loves her unconditionally...

When aborting an unborn child was not even as option....

When love helped us heal...

When it was very human to harbour some bitterness or resentment towards the Japanese workers at the farm, even when they were in no way involved with Pearl Harbour

When time healed the guilt and condemnation in the heart of man...

When we eventually embrace that nothing occurs by chance....and in Him (God), all things hold together....

When we realize that above everything we pride ourselves in, we're still helpless souls, in need of divine intervention... (and it is alright to be dependent on one another)....

***

Billy Graham's prayer for America in 2008, is best applied to the rest of the world:

“Heavenly Father, we come before you today to ask your forgiveness and to seek your direction and guidance.

We know Your Word says, 'Woe to those who call evil good,' but that is exactly what we have done.

We have lost our spiritual equilibrium and reversed our values.· We have exploited the poor and called it the lottery.

We have rewarded laziness and called it welfare.

We have killed our unborn and called it choice.

We have shot abortionists and called it justifiable.

We have neglected to discipline our children and called it building self-esteem.

We have abused power and called it politics.

We have coveted our neighbor's possessions and called it ambition.

We have polluted the air with profanity and pornography and called it freedom of expression.

We have ridiculed the time-honored values of our forefathers and called it enlightenment.

Search us, Oh God, and know our hearts today; cleanse us from every sin and set us free. Amen!”