1 year mark.....

I never imagined that this day will come sooner. I listen with interest as some of my junior friends from campus update us on their progress through medical school via Facebook (where everyone knows every other person's business). Exactly one year ago, we were waiting eagerly for our postings, wondering what the days, weeks, months and years ahead will be like. Waiting has always been hard, especially for an impatient person like me. I never imagined experiencing so much of favour and grace over the past one year. Perhaps it is true when they say, "God is able to do exceedingly abundantly, more than that which we think of or imagine...." Not many people would choose the town I have been sent to for housemanship. I can see why now. And I also come face to face with my limitations and weaknesses each day. And yet, I have been able to survive. By luck you may say. But I call it grace. It is my unregistered, second name. And while I may not have my close knit of friends to confide in and share both the good and not-so-good times, I have met a few people. Enough to cherish good times. To have a good meal. To talk. To laugh. To pray with. And to share lives! I look at the year ahead and wince..... I tell You yet again, I am not able. I believe, help my unbelief!

The Children of Cambodia..........

Early this year, somewhere in between graduation and work, I spent a brief time away in Cambodia. It was rather impromptu. I quickly agreed when our HCF colleagues had extended the invitation to my friend and I to be part of a healthcare conference. Our stay was pleasant, to say the least. We loved the city and the people. We hope we left some footprints behind. And we left soon after, with some priceless gifts. Christy and I helped ourselves to a variety of books, while waiting departure. And I must say that there 3 books I bought kept me occupied in the weeks prior to my working life. And it did do more than that; it brought me back in time to a moment in history I never really knew of. Quite surely, it opened my eyes to a simpler and more fragile world. **** As swiftly as the year has begun, I see its end in a matter of weeks. I have spent a reasonable amount of time considering the next phase in life. I have plans and vague ideas with no definite decisions. As always, I often forget to live in the present. I am unnerved by the many opinions of a 'bleak future'. Quite simultaneously, I am least interested by proposals of a better future and pursuits of greener pastures in a different land. Sometimes I allow myself little time to think, busying myself with work and every other commitment that takes center stage. Sometimes there isn't time to think or consider the many options in life. But today, I remember the children of Cambodia. I remember their pain and their fight for survival. I remember their determination to live. I remember their hopes for a better future. Sometimes we need the will and strength of child, to move on. To remain hopeful. To dream and to stay happy.... And tomorrow, is another day....

C-h-a-n-g-e

I've loved speed. Come on, I'm the Schumi-tifosi, fan! I want things fast, I try to be fast. I usually waste little time. I used to think it a crime to stop for coffee/toilet breaks on the highway. Especially when I'm alone. Maybe that gives me the label of being a busy-bee... But as much as people will say, "Speed kills", I tell you; "Slowness kills!" But I never imagined this sort of speed....the turn of events at this present moment of my life is almost unbelievable. I'm technically mid-20's, which I seldom acknowledge (no longer early 20's). Working. Away from general routines of a student. I used to think I was worn down as a student, stretched at all ends. And then I got thrown into the working life. It would be a lie to say I never expected it. During our graduation ceremony, we had quick exchanges of pleasantries with many people. I remember the lecturer I am closest to telling me, "You know, only one thing is constant". In my hastiness, I said, "God". She said, "Change". Change will always be constant. I spent some time wondering, what is it that really bothers me about my present life? I have started earning, and hence earned financial freedom. I do get to eat, even if it is Hot Cup noodles outside 7 eleven in my car, in the wee hours of the morning, after work! I'm not miserable. There are good days and bad days. I still love them whom I serve, though I may not be good at hiding my irritation with a few of them.... I'm learning to be better at what I do. So again, what is it that bothers me about this present life? I think I know....but I'm not sure I'm coming to terms with it. And yes, she's right. Change is absolutely constant in life!

FAST TRACK

February 17 was a long time ago. The hiatus from the blogsphere was obviously unintentional. But much has happened since and I'm not sure where I shall start.

There were the exams, of course. The all-time-finals, which seems ages ago. And the oath taking ceremony. The much hyped-about graduation ball, which a few of us jointly organized at the Palace.

Then there were 2 trips in between; Krabi, Thailand and Cambodia, with different groups of people.

Lots of travelling to KL, because I was so worried my memory cells would die a natural death death due to its poor utilization. I insisted on taking a few teaching sessions in my institution, as a peer tutor to some junior colleagues. Of course, the application for work also came in the way.

Then came the big surprise because I got the much awaited letter. I remember a brief weekend in Penang with my HCF colleagues, losing sleep over the weeks, months and years ahead. I vowed that it will be the only time I did parasailing, until I completed one of the biggest hurdles of an impending career.

Soon enough, I was on my way to Port Dickson for an induction course, with my fellow colleagues (well, most of them anyway). And so it was, we got our postings; 8 of us ending up in Taiping. Somewhere in between, there was a graduation ceremony - or so I think!

Will that do for a summary?

So here I am, on a Sunday evening, in the small quaint town of Taiping. Feeling distant from everyone and everything close to my heart.

I have so much that I want to do; I want to email a few friends, throw a small thanksgiving party, write a few cards....but time is never on my side.

They just become plans. And people close to me have been safely tucked in a closet, to be 'reopened' when I am free....if that ever happens.

Dear friends/family,


You've always been a big part of my life. When I count my blessings, I can't help but thank God for you. Thank you for accepting my frequent yet genuine excuse of being busy. 


I love all of you. The party is over. When there is another one, I will sure to keep you posted!


Pris.

Faint Recollections....

Every phase of our lives has a representation; a new beginning, a turning point, an end, a transition...whatever...

We are left with memories to cherish, experiences that shape our future choices and regrets that may haunt us time and again....

I remember a prayer made for me, by a friend, who has now gone on to work...

"May she remember that this is just one of the many exams that she will have to endure; and in it all, You will be with her, through and through..."

That was more than 4 years ago...

It's amazing the memories that comes to us at odd times......first it may just seem like a faint recollection of things. As if it were part of a prior thought process. But then it simply stays, refusing to leave until you start thinking a little deeper...

And then we realize these memories were 'sent'...Sent to remind of what we were then and what we are now...

Of forgotten pledges...Of dried tears....Of past prayers and yearnings of the heart...

We then know, while we have forgotten some things....He hasn't.

How wonderful are Your thoughts of me, Oh Lord? Psalm 139

So who's good?

If there's any reason I would have wanted to be a guy - it will be for only one reason:
Rumour is, I am petty and they aren't.

Having said that, I must add a disclaimer that the rest of the post will be about me...no guy, and definitely no other girl...

I realize that there are some things we subconsciously do, which will define us in some ways  -  but we'd never be able to regurgitate it when we are asked to describe ourselves.

I always have a problem with games like..."tell us what's so interesting about yourself?" Never mind the part where you get to blow your own trumpet...I just simply don't know how to define myself.

I may think I do my best - for others and myself....

Kill yourself if you don't apologize (even if you were partly right or entirely right). Even when you wished you didn't have to make the first move. Keep your cool. Consider others. Seize opportunities to care....even if it hurts, even if it means going out of your way, even when it requires more of you...

Be straightforward - but you don't have to tell everything. Some things we just have to live with. I always secretly smile to myself (not a secret anymore) when people describe themselves to be straightforward. All of us can afford to be straightforward; it's a choice. But then, not everything needs to be addressed (at least that's what I think). Some things, we just tolerate...and nevermind if people will never know...

Be diligent - but never overestimate yourself. Great is your misery if you do....

Be happy but don't expect everyone to share it with you...well, not wholly.

Be kind...and don't get upset when its forgotten...

Do everything else under the sun....and still remember that the bruises will be more than the hugs and kisses...

At the end of the day, I only can say:

The toughest lesson I've learnt about humility is accepting that your good intentions can be misinterpreted. I don't want to be wrong about myself or my intentions (I thought I was my best judge, after God).

 It'll break my heart that I will never be able to express this part of myself well enough without being offensive. I think I can be cool with being wrong. Maybe I just don't know how to accept 'fault' when there  were no ill intentions (or its equivalent) to begin with.

And then I wish that people won't forget....Don't pick on the minute details; and accept the whole 'package'...

That's pride. I know. Or maybe too much to ask...

Then again, I would never claim to be entirely right in all of these....it's a cycle we're all bound to endure. Time and again....

The God Delusion

This title was adapted from a book I read some years ago. It is a book I chose to read, with an open mind (as per the advice given). I vaguely recollect some parts of it...

This is my own version of the God delusion.

I sit here in my favourite spot in my entire academic institution, one which some will know as 'mine' in some rights. I've been here every single day for the past week. I also have these amazing friends who meet at specific intervals, just to make sure all 9 of us are sane (we almost feel like a movement). When the check and balance is done and when we're satisfied with the sharing of knowledge, we have our own time. I then retreat to my private cubicle (well not so private anyway - rumour is, I make too much noise with the keyboard, and yes - I can get loud when I meet familiar people..hahaha).

And all week, every time I'm too tired of worrying, I convince myself to blog....but I never get to it.

Today over tea (dinner for me), we shared our reverence for the higher being. Well, at least my guy friends shared about their Thaipusam plans. Whatever they do, I tell you - it ain't sound easy.

And then I took the longest walk today (within our campus) trying to space out. And the whole time - I felt a big part of me reaching out to God; telling Him it is terrible to seek MORE diligently when we are in need.

That's what we all do. Whatever our beliefs.... God takes centre stage when there is a need. A petition. A request. A desire. A point of desperation. At this juncture, I should add a disclaimer: There are no references to any specific religion.

It's just me - sometimes God becomes a delusion when I get self-sufficient. When there is so much of worry or excitement to bask in. I can subconsciously shove him into a tiny little box, and keep Him away. And then, when I really need Him - I do everything; pouty lips, crying, throwing tantrums, whining, bargaining, pleading etc....

I wouldn't acknowledge that I only take him out on a PRN basis. I still seek even when 'not in desperate need'. I pray. I know I'm always telling Him many things (someone says Christians, like drug abusers or the mentally ill, also have hallucinations - except they would have more sympathy for the latter).

*****

Does God then become a delusion at times?

Some say it is for the faint hearted.

Him who has lower self-esteem. Him who is weak and poor. Religion, like many other things, seeks to explain the 'God factor'.


Religion is often looked upon with some scorn. The more intelligent you are, the less scientific religion becomes. It is often viewed as a fallacy, a ray of hope for the weak, an edge for those who profess to be holy, a lie for those with poor defences and a useful excuse for those with ulterior motives.

I am no expert in religion. I have no religion actually/technically; I, like many others, enjoy a relationship. A relationship with God...not ritualistic ways that take a 'form of godliness'.

Can God then be a delusion? Well, if He is - I would be most depressed. Cause there would be nothing much to live for. There will be little meaning or purpose in life, insignificant probably.

Dear Lover of my soul,


I know you're not a delusion. I only wished I better expressed myself in this - I know that there are too many things which happen...and I simply cannot piece it all together and dismiss it as chance. Or a mere co-incidence. It takes greater faith to believe the 'co-incidence' theory, no kidding!


I believe; help my unbelief.

The year is going to get harder by the day (who says it will end soon enough?)


And the years ahead will be tougher.


If You were a delusion, I'd never be where I am today. I'm not sure I'd even want to go on....


Much love,


Pris.